Author: Meaghan Ray

Experimenting with My Name and Pronouns

I recently went on a vacation with my husband where I was attending a conference and was able to pick the name and pronouns that would appear on my ID badge. My husband asked if I wanted to use my male name, Ray, and they/them pronouns as an experiment to see how it felt. After some thought and a couple of conversations with trusted friends I decided to go for it.

My gender identity includes a female component which I was assigned at birth (named Meaghan) and a male component which I began to experience in the middle of grade 10 (named Ray). I am Meaghan in my everyday life and for a long time kept the name Ray and that part of my identity hidden. Since my husband began his transition from female to male I have been exploring my own gender more. (More on my own story here, my exploration process here, and my identity labels here).

Lately, I have begun using the name Ray and using neutral pronouns among other queer/gender non-conforming friends. This group of people are generally better at adjusting names and pronouns because they’ve had more practice and are more flexible in their thinking about identity. This allows me to express the part of myself that generally feels hidden or invisible to society. It has helped me feel more seen, more whole, and more authentic with a lot less fear and judgment.

The first few times I tried this were incredibly nerve-wracking. What would people say? Would they make mistakes? Would they correct themselves? Would I have to correct them? How would I feel? Would I get weird looks from the people around us? As it turned out, my friends were great and no-one around us seemed to notice. Maybe they assumed that by Ray I really meant Rae as in short for Rachael but who cares. It felt awesome.

When my husband was at the beginning of his transition and was trying to find a name that fit we went through a similar process of testing different names. We quickly figured out that when you’re only two people hanging out with each other you rarely use each other’s first name. So we did a trial period while we were on vacation and were more likely to be introducing ourselves to people or talking to each other from a distance. Turns out when the vacation is a camping trip where you are trying to avoid human contact this also doesn’t work very well. But it did give us an extended period of time when we forced ourselves to think of my husband using different names and in the end did help him settle on one. (More on my husband’s transition in Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3).

My situation was slightly different. When I first began to experience having a male identity it included the name Ray right from the beginning. So I didn’t have to look for a name or test a few out and narrow it down. I’m also not transitioning to using that name at all times instead of my female one. I want to be able to use either name depending on the situation and how I feel at the time. Ideally, I’d be using each name 50% of the time but I don’t think that is feasible, at least not yet.

So when my husband suggested I opt for using the name Ray and using neutral pronouns for the entire week at the conference I decided to go for it.

I wasn’t sure how it would feel to hear myself be referred to by that name all the time. What if it felt just as uncomfortable because I wasn’t hearing my female name anymore? What if I got weird looks or comments? What if it was just such an intense experience that it was distracting or exhausting?

None of this happened. It was awesome.

Typically when you change your name people make a lot of mistakes because they have known you by a different name previously. And if you’re just testing out a name and ask them to switch back and forth it’s even less likely to work. Since I was introducing myself to the people at the conference for the first time and I was wearing a name badge with my name right on it this didn’t happen. They got it right the whole time because they had no other name to call me.

The pronouns were a different story. People still defaulted to female pronouns even though I had ‘they/them’ printed below my name on my badge. I wasn’t the only one at the conference that used neutral pronouns. And it was standard that everyone had their pronouns printed on their badge. So in general the conference was very proactive and supportive. But still, people struggled to wrap their heads around using they/them. When this became evident on the first day I changed my expectations from ‘a chance for me to feel seen and live authentically for a week’ to ‘a chance for people around me to be exposed to they/them pronouns and have a chance to practice with them’. This reframing helped decrease the frustration, disappointment, and dysphoria immensely.

The whole experience also gave my husband a chance to practice using the name Ray and they/them pronouns when referring to me. I know he’s nervous about struggling with this, especially because I’m not switching 100% and will potentially be asking him to switch back and forth in different situations. I don’t know how to make this easier for him but I’m sure we’ll figure it out as we go along.

I highly recommend testing out names and pronouns on vacations or isolated opportunities such as social groups, camp, or conferences where you are meeting people for the first time that you are less likely to interact with after the fact. As it turned out, I have kept in touch with a lot of the people I met and therefore have had to re-introduce myself using my female name but hopefully, since they were primed to think of my as Ray first, they will see me as a combination of the two.

 

Have you experimented with a different name or different pronouns? How did the experience work out for you? Have you ever been asked by someone else to use a different name or different pronouns? What was difficult about this and what made it easier? Tell me your story in the comments below!

 

Finding Support

Whether you’re the one trying to figure out your gender or you partner is questioning theirs, you need a support system. This can come in many forms. Below are a few of the types of support I have found useful.

I think of support as a two way street. Ways that you are participating, communicating with others, where they know who you are. I think of resources as something you look at where the person who put it out there doesn’t know who you are. This post is about support. If you’re looking for resources, also useful but less personal, see my resources page.

Friends

Especially early on in the process, finding one good friend who can be a sounding board is extremely helpful. Having someone to tell your fears and thoughts and confusion to eases the internal pressure and helps you feel less alone. They can provide support, be a resource, help you clarify your thoughts, and help you experiment with a different name or presentation. They can be a shopping buddy if you’re looking for a new wardrobe. If they are more familiar with the queer community in your local area than you are they can help you connect to other types of support.

Before my husband came out to the world as trans, he came out to a mutual friend so that I would have someone to talk to. This friend helped me clarify how I was feeling and test out how I would respond to the questions I would likely get from others. Since I’ve been exploring my own gender identity, my husband has been my sounding board. As someone who also experiences dysphoria he is invaluable for commiserating or suggesting management strategies.

queer community

The queer community is where you’ll find people who have a better understanding of the language, experiences, and fear you might have. Queer events give you a safe place to be who you are, express your identity, and use whatever labels, name, or pronouns you want. Just having a safe place to be can be a big relief. Leaving these places can feel like putting your mask back on or going back in the closet so it’s nice to know when the next event/meet up will be so you have something to look forward to.

I have found the queer community very helpful since I came out as gay. I have always needed to be around people who have similar experiences and understand what I’m going through. We were initially part of a queer sports league which was great for exercise as well as queer time. Community became even more important when my husband came out as trans but we found that we had to find different groups that had a more trans focus. I have also been part of a queer choir which again, is great for getting time around queer people as well as keeping music in my life. Often these activity-focused queer groups are the nicest because the support and camaraderie are there but you don’t have to tell your life story to everyone or talk about what’s currently going on. Sometimes, talking is too difficult and all you need is the support.

Online groups

These are great. There are facebook groups for everything imaginable. Some of them are closed and you need to ask to join. Some of them are hidden and you need an invite from someone in the group (which is easiest to get by meeting people in the queer community or participating in similar online groups that have overlapping members). These groups give you a place to post questions, rant about a bad experience, celebrate milestones that other people wouldn’t understand the significance of, or just read what other people have been saying.

I’ve been part of online groups for our local trans/NB community, partners of trans men, genderfluid people, etc. There are groups dedicated to top surgery, bottom surgery, and HRT. Both my husband and I have used these groups to ask questions of others that have already gone through what were going through and provide support to others that are just starting something that we’ve already done. Some groups we are in separately and some we are in together. On days that were harder, I would check the group I liked the best almost hourly to feel a connection with other people who understood. I wish I had found these groups earlier in his transition process but I still find them useful today.

PFLaG

PFLaG stands for Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. There are support groups all over North America. It may not seem politically correct or very inclusive but as it turns out, the support group in our area is mainly trans focused and very well run. This group is designed to take people from not accepting to accepting to celebrating their own or their loved one’s identities. The group includes people of all LGBT identities as well as friends and family. The discussion is different every time and includes whatever topics people want to discuss. We get the perspective of other people going through the process, friends who are trying to be good supporters, parents who are struggling to understand, siblings who are trying to build a new bond, and sometimes health professionals who want to be more inclusive.

This was one of the first sources of support we found. The group near us runs once a month. It was big enough that we could sit and listen without having to participate if we didn’t want to. No matter what was discussed we always got something out of it. It was like a release of pressure, an emotional breath of fresh air. During the harder months we would measure time based on how long it was until the next PFLaG meeting.

A few meetings in someone mentioned another PFLaG meeting near us at the opposite time in the month. For a couple of months we went to both. This second meeting was quite a bit smaller which pretty much required participation. At some point my husband couldn’t make one of the smaller meetings so I went by myself and ended up talking about a bunch of the stuff that I didn’t want to burden him with (mainly my anxiety about how he was really doing, fears about the possibility of him getting beaten up, my observations of the toll that coming out was taking on his mental health, etc). We decided that it was a good idea for me to have my own separate group to go to, especially since I was getting more out of the groups at this point than he was. So we would go to the bigger group together (whenever possible) and I could go to the smaller group by myself when I felt like I needed to. I continued going for about a year but eventually didn’t need as much support. We have continued going to the larger group for nearly 3 years and I have been helping to run a separate group every third month specifically for partners of trans people.

Lately, I have been finding the group helpful in providing support through my own gender discovery journey. Even once life is not specifically about our personal gender experiences we will likely still be attending just to have somewhere to be where the majority of people understand this aspect of our lives and so that we can provide support to others that are just starting the process.

therapists

Finding a trans-friendly therapist is very important. Some therapists present themselves as trans-knowledgeable, trans-positive, or trans-friendly but, as we have learned from friends in our various groups, some are operating from a very old and transphobic play-book. The best way to find a truly trans-positive therapist is to get a recommendation from someone in the community who is further along in the process than you are. When you are just starting out you don’t necessarily know what it means to be trans-positive. Only in discussing the things that your therapist has said to you with others in the community will you get the perspective that you need. Sometimes the therapist has already done serious damage to the person’s sense of self-worth.

A good rule of thumb in my book is that if you are coming away from therapy with more guilt, shame, fear, confusion, self-hatred, and dysphoria, this is not a good therapist for you to be seeing. Look online. Find support groups. Find friends that you can talk to. Ask around for recommendations. If you have a local queer community centre, ask them for recommendations. If the therapist they recommended was the one that made you feel worse, stop going anyway. There are other resources and other therapists out there that can help. Check out my resources page for some other options.

trans-friendly health professionals

These are rare in our experience. As a trans person you will need to receive care from family doctors, endocrinologists, psychiatrists, pharmacists, dentists, specialists (gynecologists, proctologists, fertility docs, speech therapists, physiotherapists), and surgeons. The more times you interact with a health professional that is not trans friendly the less likely you are to access health care the next time you need it. Finding trans-friendly and trans-knowledgeable health professionals is not only going to help you get through your transition but also take away a big source of stress. Finding trans-friendly professionals is easiest by asking your support groups.

Trans-friendly and trans-knowledgeable family doctors are especially rare and so much in demand that our community filled up the caseload of three family doctors in a row as they were suggested to the group. If you are a healthcare professional or you know of one that might be open to learning more about trans care and trans issues, give them/look up as many resources as you can. Spreading this information is one of the best things allies can do.

 

What are your support systems? How did you find trans-friendly therapists and other health professionals? Leave a comment below!

Help! My Partner Just Told Me They’re Trans!

If your partner just told you they are trans or wondering if they are trans it means they trusted you enough and value your place in their life to share this huge part of themselves with you. If you are not sure what to do next, how to be supportive, or what this means for you you’ve come to the right place. I hope this post will help answer some of those questions.

new relationship

Someone you’re dating who you are interested in and want to pursue a relationship with just told you they are trans.

They’re trans and ‘post’ transitioning

Ask them about their experience of being trans (if they are willing to share).

  • Do they use that label? Are they ‘out’ as trans?
  • When did they start to transition? How long have they been living authentically?
  • Do they have people who are supportive in their life? Are there people who have not been supportive?

Be honest about your level of knowledge and ask if they have any resources or things they feel you should look up.

  • Even if they say no, GO LOOK THINGS UP (which you likely are already doing if you have found this page so good for you! Keep going!). Learn some terminology, learn the basics of what dysphoria is and what the transition process entails for their area of the world.
  • Be honest about your level of comfort and confusion and that you will try not to do anything to offend them or make them uncomfortable and that if you do you want them to tell you right away so you can learn.
    • Sometimes giving someone feedback like this face to face is difficult which results in not getting the feedback you need to be aware of your actions and improve. Offer alternatives – they can write you emails or notes.
    • When is a good time for this type of feedback? It is much easier for people to offer intensely personal feedback if you ask for it directly. Once a week (or whatever time frame works for you), check in with them and ask for feedback.

Offensive questions/statements to avoid:

  • DO NOT blatantly ask about their genitals or if they have had ‘the surgery’ yet.
  • DO NOT say ‘wow! I’d never have known if you didn’t tell me!’ or ‘Wow you look really good for a [insert gender here],
  • DO NOT ask what their ‘real’ name is, or what their name used to be.

The fact that they told you means they feel strongly enough about the relationship that they wanted you to know and that they trusted you enough to tell you something that could potentially put them in an unsafe situation. This reflects well on how you have acted up to this point. Don’t mess it up with an ignorant if well-meaning response.

They are a person, same as they were before they told you they were trans. Nothing has changed. Continue with whatever topics of conversation you were enjoying and learn more about them the same way you would on any other date. Don’t make everything suddenly be about their trans identity.

They’re trans and ‘pre’/in the middle of transitioning

Ask them how they would like you to refer to them (pronouns and name) and try your best to respect that. It may change as they go through their transition so be open to that. If you mess it up say ‘sorry’, correct yourself, and move on. Don’t make a huge deal of it but don’t gloss over it either. If they would like you to use a different name/pronoun than they use in the rest of their life clarify when they would like you to use which set – will it change depending of where you are and who you are with? It is a good policy to have this check in each time you are entering a new environment/meeting new people.

Ask if they’re comfortable talking about it and if they’re willing to explain more about what they’re going through. Keep in mind that they may not want to if you’re out in public but might be ok with this in a more private setting. Or they may not want to right now but they might be able to in the future. This is not usually a reflection on you or how much they like you or how much they feel they can trust you. It is more likely related to whether they have found the words to express the confusion they feel inside.

Ask if they have any resources you should look at that will help you understand their identity or experience (see above).

Be open about your level of knowledge, confusion, and willingness to learn (see above).

Acknowledge that you might do or say something that offends them or makes them uncomfortable but that you don’t mean to and that you want them to tell you right away so you can learn (see above).

They are a person, same as they were before they told you they were trans. Nothing has changed. Continue with whatever topics of conversation you were enjoying and learn more about them the same way you would on any other date (see above).

Long term relationship

Your partner may have known for a long time and have been trying to suppress it, blend in, hide it from you but they can’t any longer. They may have been presenting very much in line with their gender assigned at birth to you and to the world so this can seem like a huge change.

Or, your partner may have been presenting as closely as possible to their true identity and when they reveal to you that they’re thinking of transitioning it may seem like it makes sense and won’t be much different or it might still seem like a surprise.

You may have feelings of shock, betrayal, anger, fear, regret, even disgust. Society teaches us that trans people are abnormal and many of your initial reactions may be a result of this conditioning. Do not beat yourself up for these reactions but try your best to figure out which emotions are specific to you and your situation and which ones are a result of your preconceptions and stereotypes from society.

Try to find some private space and time where you can talk to your partner for as long as you need to understand how they feel and what they want to do. Understanding who they see themselves as and who they want the world to see will help you get a better idea of how you might feel going forward.

Express your own feelings, both negative and positive, and decide whether you need some space apart to work things through or more conversations together to learn more about how/if things will work between you.

Make a list of the aspects of your lives this will affect – your relationship, children, business ventures, family relations, etc. Being able to categorize where the stress is and who is best suited to deal with it will help avoid situations where you are both frustrated and stressed and you don’t know why or what to do about it and end up taking it out on each other.

If these conversations continually break down, consider finding a therapist that is familiar with trans issues to help guide you through this process. You can see the therapist as a couple, by yourself, or recommend your partner see them. Support groups can also be very useful. We found a PFLaG group in our area and have been going as often as we can for over 2 years now. It is wonderful to be in a space where everyone understands what you’re going through without having to explain it in great detail first. It helps normalize the experience and can help you find the support you need.

If you’re up for it, suggest a trial period of them presenting how they feel comfortable. This can be an evening at home, or a weekend away somewhere. It can be done in stages with them slowly changing their appearance one piece at a time to give you time to adjust or all at once. However you decide to do it, I suggest you discuss it together first and make a plan so that no one is surprised or put on the spot.

At this point you likely have an idea of whether or not you are comfortable maintaining your relationship with them or not. This can look many different ways. Some examples are:

  • Yes! This makes so much more sense and I’m here to support them 100%!
  • Yes, I think I’ll be ok with this but it’s going to take some time and I’ll have to take it slowly.
  • No, I no longer see myself in a relationship with them but I’m all for supporting them as a friend.
  • No, I definitely am not ok with this and I don’t want to have any part in their transition.

All these reactions are valid no matter what other people will tell you. Your experience and your life is your own. Make sure your reaction is true for you and not a reflection of what others will think or what society has taught you. You have the right to change your mind at any time. If you think you might be ok with it but at some point realize the relationship is no longer working, be honest with yourself and your partner.

Moving Forward

Communication is key!! If your partner is not willing to sit down and have open conversations with you about who they are and listen to how you feel you may need to find a more formal venue for these conversations (ie couple’s therapy with a trans positive therapist).

Honesty with yourself and your partner is also key!! Be honest about how you feel and when you don’t know what you feel. Find ways to explore different scenarios with your partner to help each of you figure out how you feel. Your partner will be going through a lot of intense emotional things and you may not feel like you want to put all your doubts and confusion and frustration on them as well. Ask them if they are ok with you talking to one close friend about what you’re going through. For me, this was someone who lived somewhere else in the country which meant very low risk to my husband. It might help if it is someone who is somewhat familiar with the queer community, especially if you are not.

If you are happy staying with your partner, their transition will change how society views your sexuality (see my post about this here). I know, this makes no sense because you haven’t changed as a person, but it will happen anyway. Your sexual orientation and the labels you use can change if you feel like it has but it doesn’t have to. You are likely still attracted to the same types of people you were before your partner transitioned. Your partner may still fit within the label you use or you can see your attraction to your partner as an exception. Either way, it will help to find labels that work for you so you have a way to come out to people without outing your partner as trans (for those that didn’t know you beforehand).

 

I hope this helped. This is the type of information that would have been useful for me to have during my husband’s questioning phase and into the beginning of his transition. Giving support to other partners of trans people is one of the main reasons I started this blog.

 

How did you react when your partner told you they were trans? How has this affected you as you process this information? What types of support have you found? What is the outcome for you and your partner? Leave a comment below and tell me your story.

At the Gym

I have always been an athletic person. I played baseball right from T-ball to high school, soccer in middle school, and was generally an outdoorsy kid climbing trees and exploring the woods around our cottage. I learned to swim, canoe, ski, and skate at our cottage, and learned how to sail, kayak, and ride horses at summer camp. This is where I first discovered archery which became my focus throughout high school and into university. Eventually life got in the way and I stopped training which also meant I became less fit and less active. In graduate school I briefly got involved in rowing and quickly remembered what I liked about learning new sports and being active. Then I moved and it’s been hard to keep up with. Now-a-days, in order to stay fit I have to go to the gym to workout. This is a very different experience from what I was used to growing up, especially with dysphoria added on top.

Gyms and other traditional workout spaces are not very friendly environments for people with dysphoria. There are change rooms separated into male and female, mirrors, revealing or fitted clothing, and a focus on your body which may be the greatest source of your discomfort. But at the same time, people who experience dysphoria often struggle with their mental health as a result and would greatly benefit from regular physical activity. Or maybe, being athletic is a part of their identity that is something stable that they can focus on when everything else feels like it’s in flux.

I enjoy working out at the gym. It makes me feel strong, satisfied, relaxed, alert, and more in tune with my body. It gives me a positive way to focus on my body and the strength in it instead of the ways it sometimes feels wrong. Working out at the gym is one of the best ways for me to relieve some of the tension that builds up from constant frustration, dysphoria, and safety math. I use the female change room but there is a gender neutral washroom down the hall that I could use if I want to. The gym is small and has mirrors along one wall which I avoid facing when I have more dysphoria. I generally wear a fitted sports bra and a loose shirt and basketball shorts or board shorts.

For some reason, different activities at the gym make me feel different aspects of my gender. On the female side there is steady, long duration cardio, lighter weights, core exercises, stretching, and pilates or yoga type exercises. On the male side there is heavier weights, more intense short duration cardio, and plyometric or agility type exercises. In the neutral category is balance, combination exercises, and interval type cardio.

Those lists of activities seem pretty stereotypical. To be clear, I am not suggesting that specific types of exercise are gendered in any way, just that this is how they feel to me and the effect they have on my gender. Not everyone will experience physical activity as having anything to do with their gender.

I’m not really surprised that my experience of my gender while working out is affected by stereotypes. Most of our experiences are in some ways. But knowing how different activities interact with my sense of my gender allows me to choose activities strategically. I can pick activities that will be in line with my current experience of my gender to minimize dysphoria. Or I can pick activities that balance out my experience of my gender. Typically this means picking activities that help me feel more masculine to offset being identified solely as female in my day-to-day life.

So, the majority of the time, I prefer the activities from the ‘masculine’ list. Until recently, I hadn’t identified this preference as a gender based thing. But that is definitely a component of it. Those activities help me feel more at ease with myself and more balanced whereas the other ones accentuate feelings of dysphoria or imbalance, generally towards the female side. In order to maintain my fitness the way I’d like, I’ll have to find ways of making the more ‘feminine’ activities feel more masculine for me or pair them with other masculine activities.

I have found other forms of activity that I enjoy as well. These are often more similar to the sports I enjoyed as a kid, home workouts, or workout classes specifically for queer/trans people.

My biggest difficulty is motivation, as it is for anyone trying to form a new habit of being physically active. When my mental health is suffering I mainly experience apathy. So even though this is when I need to workout the most, I have a hard time caring enough or building up enough energy to do it. I try to hold myself accountable by finding a workout buddy who won’t let me get out of it. Once I go I always end up feeling better and having more energy and less tension than when I started. Hopefully writing that down and sending it out into the world will remind me of that the next time.

 

How does working out or physical activity influence your sense of your gender? Do you struggle to be physically active as a result of dysphoria, environment, or mental health? What strategies have you found that help you maintain an active lifestyle? Leave a comment below with your thoughts and experiences!

 

Bridging the Gap Between Mainstream and Queer/Trans Culture

What gap?

People in the queer/trans communities are used to lots of different labels and have a common understanding of what it feels like to have to figure out who you are, be in the closet, and come out. If you hang out in the queer/trans communities enough it seems like this understanding is shared with everyone. But the general population outside of this community may never have been exposed to any of those labels, experiences, or knowledge.

For the most part, mainstream culture sees gender as a binary, sees heterosexuality as ‘the norm’ or ‘the expected’, and understands basic labels such as gay and lesbian, occasionally bisexual, even less often, trans. There is rarely an understanding of gender as a spectrum, of how to respectfully describe a trans person, or the variety of labels for and experiences of sexual orientations.

why is there a gap?

Mainstream culture has mainly been exposed to queer experiences through media, as with most minorities. What is shown in media is usually controlled by the mainstream. So how can we expect mainstream culture to have an accurate or even partial understanding of queer/trans experiences? This is slowly changing as media outlets like Youtube allow minorities a way to speak for themselves (when the algorithm isn’t busy censoring them), as more celebrities and professional athletes come out and speak up in support of the queer/trans community, and as more queer/trans characters are included in media.

acknowledging and accepting the gap

Surrounding yourself with like-minded people builds a strong supportive environment but it can lead to an assumption that the rest of the world has similar views. If queer people are aware of this gap of understanding it is often easier to ignore the ignorance around them on a day to day basis than constantly feel threatened or misunderstood.  But ignoring it leads to queer people using language that others are not familiar with or referring to common experiences that others find strange. This causes miscommunication, confusion, frustration, and ‘othering’ – a focus on the differences between people, how ‘different’ and ‘strange’ queer people are.

If you say something that a co-worker or acquaintance doesn’t understand such as using a label that is less common or making reference to an aspect of transitioning and your co-worker responds with confusion, try not to take it personally or make them feel stupid. Try to treat this as a flag of truce, an indication where the gap is. This lack of understanding can be frustrating but to narrow the gap we have to communicate using terms that everyone understands, not ignore the ignorance or get defensive and angry when someone demonstrates ignorance. Acknowledge that you have different experiences, different levels of exposure to this sub-culture, and use the opportunity to educate someone new (if you have the energy) or pointing them in the direction of resources. I am not always the best at this but I am working on it. Sometimes it still takes me by surprise when things that seem obvious to me are beyond common knowledge.

when does this gap become an issue?
  • Coming out (which can lead to being bullied, fired, or evicted)
  • Medical settings (which can lead to health concerns being missed, queer/trans people knowing more about their condition than the medical professional or avoiding medical care altogether)
  • When you need support and try to explain what you are struggling with to others and get a ‘that’s interesting’ response instead of ‘I understand and support you’
how to bridge the gap
  • Step 1: Identify the gap
    • What is the knowledge level of the least aware person in the group?
    • What do you want them to be able to understand?
  • Step 2: Connect the dots
    • What are some key pieces of information that they need in order to understand your identity/information?
    • Start with the basics – gender as a spectrum, the genderbread person, separation of sex, gender, orientation, and presentation
    • Try to explain what it feels like in your shoes
      • How dysphoria feels (not specifically what about your body/situation causes dysphoria)
      • The confusion that you experienced before you had the language to understand your identity and communicate it to others
      • The fear of repercussions if you come out, the impact of having to stay in the closet
      • The impact of being misgendered, both prior to and after coming out
  • Step 3: Take away message
    • Be super clear that the most important thing they can do is respect your name and pronouns (or whatever the most important aspect is for you)
tips and useful phrases
  • Tips:
    • Have an exit plan. These types of conversations are intense and difficult. Have somewhere you can go afterwards to recover.
    • Have a follow up plan. If they have further questions, where do they go, who can they talk to, who do they bring them up?
    • Have back up. If the conversation/discussion doesn’t go well and turns into a bullying situation or you experience outright homophobia or transphobia, who can you go with those concerns?
    • Written messages are easier for people to absorb but less personal. If you have a hard time finding the right words or are concerned that the situation may not be safe enough in person, try a written message instead. Keep in mind that an in-person conversation will likely be necessary at some point but at least they’ll have the basics and you can specify the terms of the personal conversation in the original message (ie one on one, boss present, at a specific meeting, etc).
  • Phrases:
    • You don’t have to understand someone’s experience in order to respect them
    • The most important thing you can do is respect someone’s name and pronouns
    • If you get their pronouns wrong, correct yourself and move on. If someone else corrects you because you didn’t hear yourself make the mistake, apologize, correct yourself, and return to the topic at hand.

Have you experienced this gap in understanding? How did it affect you? What approach did you take to bridging or overcoming the gap? If you were on the receiving end of this type of conversation at some point, how did it feel for you? Were you able to absorb the information? Did you follow up with the person or look for further resources afterwards? Did it change your perspective or interaction with others? Leave a comment below to tell me your experience!

My Physical vs Social Sense of Gender

My physical sense of my gender and my social sense of my gender fluctuate separately but can line up at times (here is my post about how I figured this out and tools I used to explore it). Here, I will describe what I mean by physical and social gender, what it feels like when my physical and social sense of gender match or differ in various places on the spectrum, and what strategies I use to manage dysphoria in each situation.

PHYSICAL GENDER

This is based on how comfortable I am in my  body as a female-assigned person. If my body feels completely right for me and I’m happy to show off my curves my physical gender is female. If I’m mildly uncomfortable with my curves but don’t necessarily feel like I should have a completely flat chest I’m closer to neutral. If I’m really uncomfortable and wouldn’t want to go out of the house without a binder on my physical gender is male. There are other physical aspects that play into this but shape and chest are the easiest to describe.

SOCIAL GENDER

This includes how various aspects of interacting with other people and being in public spaces feel such as pronouns, gendered language, bathrooms, social interactions, etc. What pronouns feel most comfortable on a given day is a big clue where my social gender sits (usually they/them but often she/her don’t bother me much). Often female gendered language (ma’am, ladies, girl) bothers me more than female pronouns but the days when I would prefer the equivalent male gendered terms are the days I’m likely socially male.

PHYSICALLY FEMALE, SOCIALLY FEMALE
  • Indicators:
    • Minimal dysphoria, physical or social
  • Effects:
    • Generally more at ease, more comfortable
    • More likely to socialize
    • Causes a feeling of invisibility or like I have to justify my queerness
  • Strategies:
    • Comfortable wearing name tag at work
    • Comfortable wearing bras and female clothes
    • Will make sure queer symbols are visible
    • Wear a piece of masculine jewelry to remind myself/express my masculine side but mostly female jewelry
    • hair up nice or down
  • Personal Reminders:
    • Enjoy the comfort
    • No amount of femininity invalidates my queer or genderqueer identity
PHYSICALLY FEMALE, SOCIALLY NEUTRAL TO MALE
  • Indicators:
    • Mild physical dysphoria but only when I’m putting on clothes to leave the house and picturing how people will see me
    • Internal cringes relating to female spaces or language
  • Effects:
    • Discomfort in social situations leading to fast social burnout and lots of recovery time required
    • Strange feeling of needing to wear a binder even though I am perfectly fine with my body when I’m on my own
    • Frustration at how people can’t just know that I’m a guy in a female body and be fine with that
  • Strategies:
    • Wear tight sports bra or binder
    • Masculine presentation including hair, accessories, and clothing
    • ‘Forget’ to wear my name tag at work
    • Avoid gendered spaces/bathrooms
    • Minimize social interaction at work
    • Spend more time alone, in nature, with my husband, or with queer friends who refer to me as Ray and use they/them pronouns
    • Converse/interact in more masculine ways
  • Personal Reminders:
    • I’m a female-bodied man
    • Think of myself as Ray
PHYSICALLY NEUTRAL TO MALE, SOCIALLY FEMALE
  • Indicators:
    • Physical dysphoria even when I’m alone
    • Minimal discomfort with female pronouns or female spaces
  • Effects:
    • Want to feel masculine but interact in ways that appear feminine
    • Socially comfortable
    • Difficulty maintaining focus, learning new things, or remembering information due to the distraction of constant dysphoria
  • Strategies:
    • Avoid mirrors unless clothed
    • Wear binder, baggier clothes, and darker/more neutral colours especially for tops
    • Lift weights
    • Move and posture in masculine ways but interact and converse in more feminine ways
    • Comfortable wearing name tag
    • Avoid multitasking
    • Write down all new information so I don’t have to retain it
  • Personal Reminders:
    • Acknowledge that I am Ray on the inside even if I’m comfortable being Meaghan on the outside
    • I’m a masculine woman
PHYSICALLY NEUTRAL TO MALE, SOCIALLY NEUTRAL TO MALE
  • Indicators:
    • Physical and social dysphoria whether I’m alone or going out
  • Effects:
    • Want to be seen as male and feel physically male
    • Difficulty maintaining focus, learning new things, or remembering information due to the distraction of constant dysphoria
    • Discomfort in social situations leading to fast social burnout and lots of recovery time required
    • Strong feeling of invisibility
    • Lots of cringing with female language, pronouns, interactions, and spaces
  • Strategies:
    • Wear binder and masculine clothing and accessories
    • Don’t wear name tag
    • Avoid gendered spaces
    • Workout
    • Spend time with queer friends
    • Listen to trans podcasts/watch trans youtube videos
    • Use self-care toolkit and listen to self-care playlist
    • Talk to my husband/commiserate
  • Personal Reminders:
    • Today is just a male day
    • I know I’m Ray even if no-one else does

I grouped neutral and male together because I am AFAB so neutral feels the same as male but less intense because it is still towards the ‘male side’ of my physical and social baseline of female.

Do your physical sense of your gender and social sense of your gender fluctuate separately? Do you have similar or different experiences to the ones I describe above? What strategies do you use to manage social or physical dysphoria and make yourself more comfortable? Leave me a comment below!

How I Conceptualize Non-Binary Genders

I’d like to explain a system for understanding non-binary genders that has really helped me make sense of myself and other gender non-conforming people. This system is only discussing gender which is a separate concept from sex. I treat gender as the internal sense of who someone is in relation to society’s views of the binary genders or the assigned gender based on their sex assigned at birth. I am also not talking about gender expression – how a person presents them-self to the world, only how they feel internally.

Typically in mainstream western society there are two accepted genders that match the two accepted sexes – male and female. This is what we consider to be the gender binary. So, when we are referring to anyone that doesn’t feel strictly male or strictly female, we can use the term non-binary or gender non-conforming. Not everyone will personally identify with these labels or use them for themselves but I will use them as a general category for the sake of this discussion.

So, rather than thinking of people as either male or female with no other options, I think of gender as a spectrum from male to female with ‘neutral’ at the middle. This allows for a sense of ‘femaleness’ or ‘maleness’ in any percentage that adds up to 100. But what if a person’s gender doesn’t feel part female and part male? What if they feels neither female nor male? Or fully female and fully male at the same time? These questions require a way to show ‘both’ and ‘neither’. I used to think of it as male to female on the x-axis with neutral in the middle and neither to both on the y-axis, crossing at the middle. When I tried to map some of the genders onto it I found it difficult or ambiguous. So I went searching for a better graphic and found this one:

Gender-spectrum
Gender Spectrum

It still has the ability to represent all the same things but with a lot less ambiguity or redundancy. I also like how it doesn’t represent male and female as opposite but on two completely separate axes.

There are infinite ways to represent gender on this chart. People with a static or consistent gender would place a dot at the spot where they sit. You can see some of them written on the chart – female, male, agender. Demi-boy would sit somewhere between agender and male, demi-girl between agender and female, gender neutral somewhere around the center of the chart.

People with a fluctuating sense of gender could outline or shade in the area that applies to them. Here is how I would represent myself at this point in my discovery process:

Genderqueer Spectrum
My Gender on the Spectrum

I have two stable components to my gender – one halfway between female and neutral and one halfway between male and neutral (represented by the dots). This is the core of my gender but my day to day experience of it is more like the second chart. When I combine two genders into one person one will be more dominant at a given time (represented by the outlined area).

Other examples:

Male to Demi-boy

Gender Spectrum demi-boy
Male to Demi-boy

 

Bigender with a stable female component and a fluctuating neutral to agender component

Female and Neutral to Agender
Female and Neutral to Agender

 

As you can see, gender can be infinitely complex and variable. Some of these genders could be represented in a few different ways. Some genders such as third genders may not fit anywhere on this diagram. But it helped me understand my own gender and maybe it will help you as well.

The best thing to do when meeting someone who identifies as non-binary is to use their preferred name and pronouns, and, if you have a more personal connection, ask them how they experience their gender. If you have never felt at odds with your own gender or how your gender is perceived by society you may not be able to viscerally understand how they feel but respecting their pronouns and giving them the opportunity to explain their identity to you in their own words goes a long way to earning their trust and showing your respect and support.

Did this change how you think about gender? Tell me what you think in the comments!

How would your gender look on this diagram? Draw your own representation and post it in the comments below with the labels you use or an explanation!

 

The Labels I Use And Why

Gay

I use this as a gender neutral term for homosexual. However, it is still a comparison of my gender to my partner’s and if society gets my gender wrong then they’re also going to assume I’m interested in people who do not match my partner (more on this here). This was a great label before I started questioning my gender and before my husband transitioned but has become somewhat problematic for society to understand since then.

Neutrosexual

This is a term I have made up (I think). It follows the same idea as androsexual (male-attracted) and gynesexual (female-attracted) which leave the person’s gender out of it and just specify who they’re attracted to. Neither of those work for me because I’m attracted to people who fall closer to the middle of the spectrum so I prefer neutrosexual. That way, if society still puts me in the female box, at least they’ll understand who I’m attracted to (once I explain the label).

Queer

A nice all-encompassing label. It can be misunderstood by older generations that weren’t part of the reclaiming process and also lacks the specificity I like from labels but has served me well. It can encompass sexuality and gender which is nice but I find that people assume it’s only referring to your sexuality until you specify. Thus:

Genderqueer

Fairly self-explanatory. All encompassing term similar to queer but specifying gender! Tends to represent people with a fluctuating sense of gender (which works for me) though doesn’t have to. Comes with its own flag of lavender, white, and green which also happened to be my wedding colours so I have strong positive associations with it (thus the name of the blog).

Gender neutral

This describes my day-to-day experience and expression of my gender the best. Though I do have both a male and female gender they balance out fairly evenly which lands me in the middle most of the time.

co-gender

This is the most accurate term for my gender but is a fairly obscure one. It describes someone who has two or more genders that exist in harmony with each other (such as co-existing or co-habiting). I have read descriptions of people’s experiences of being bi-gender or tri-gender where it feels like there is a gender war going on inside them all the time and they can fluctuate wildly day-to-day or even hour to hour. This does not match my experience at all so although ‘bi-gender’ technically describes me I prefer co-gender. Some people include this in their name for example Meaghan co Ray. Because of the ‘existing in harmony’ aspect it has a spiritual connotation which also matches my experience of my gender. For a long time the only label that I had heard that worked for me was Two-Spirit but as I am not Indigenous I cannot use that label publicly. Eventually I found co-gender which is a good substitute.

non-binary

I don’t mind using this term as an umbrella term to differentiate from binary experiences but as my sense of gender still falls on the binary spectrum I kind of feel like I am extra binary – both of the genders. I also generally avoid labels that describe the absence of something rather than identifying the presence or experience of something else. So non-binary doesn’t specifically resonate with me as a label but I’m fine with saying that I fall under that umbrella if that is the label that society ends up using for all gender non-conforming people.

So there you have it. At the most specific I am a co-gender neutrosexual (which sounds a bit bizarre) but I generally go by genderqueer and gay.

What are your labels? How did you find the labels that fit you? Are the labels that you use for yourself different from the ones you would communicate to others? Does society understand your labels or do people generally have a different definition than the one you use? Tell me your story in the comments below!

Intersections of Gender and Sexual Orientation

When my husband transitioned I was asked a few times if that meant I was straight. I knew this would be a question people would have but it took me a while to understand why that question was coming up and why I felt so annoyed by it. I tried to explain to a few people why I still identified as gay with varying success. I realized that the underlying issue is that although sexual orientation and gender are two completely separate aspects of a person, they are connected in society because of the labels we use to communicate them. This is my attempt to tease out these two aspects of identity and look at ways that they are entangled and misunderstood by society as a whole.

The basics

Sexual orientation is who you go to bed with.

Gender is who you go to bed as.

Though of course both are much more than that.

If sexual orientation was simply who you are attracted to or who you want to be in a relationship with the labels would mean something like ‘male-attracted’ or ‘female-attracted’ or ‘male and female attracted’ or ‘attracted to anyone regardless of gender’. Some labels do mean these things. Bisexual and pansexual for example. Or the more recently adopted terms of androsexual and gynesexual. But what about gender-neutral-attracted? Would that be neutrosexual? That’s the term I would use. Think it’ll catch on?

Where it gets complicated

The other sexual orientation labels require you to specify your gender as well as those that you are attracted to – homosexual and heterosexual (as well as lesbian and gay). Technically these labels mean ‘same-attracted’ and ‘different-attracted’ which requires you to first define your own gender so that society can identify who would fit into the ‘same’ category or the ‘different’ category. What if you’re questioning your gender identity and you don’t know what category you fit in but you are still attracted to the same people? Or what if your gender identity doesn’t match your gender presentation and people constantly assign the wrong gender to you (because who is going to ask your gender in order to clarify your sexual orientation)? This is where these labels intersect gender and become problematic for some people.

Take me as an example. I identify my sexual orientation as ‘attracted to people who are the same as me’. In order for society to understand who I would be referring to they first have to understand what category I am in. Because I am AFAB (assigned female at birth), they put me in the female box. Before my husband transitioned it was all good in society’s view – I was a lesbian. Though not entirely true or accurate it didn’t cause daily confusion. When my husband transitioned, society switched him to the male box and my sexual orientation label no longer made sense to most people. But rather than questioning their previous understanding of my sexual orientation or gender they would ask me if this meant I was straight. This is where their brain went even though nothing about me had changed.

what’s wrong with this question

The first problem is the feeling that society was policing my use of labels. Regardless of my own gender identity and that of my husband, I should be ‘allowed’ to continue to identify as gay if I felt like that label still represented my sexual orientation. I can understand people wanting to ask in order to make sense of how that works for me but that is not where their question usually came from. It was always phrased as ‘Doesn’t that make you straight?’ not ‘Does that impact your sexual identity at all?’

The second problem is seeing sexual orientation categories as absolutes instead of a spectrum. Gay does not need to mean 100% of the time attracted to same sex as myself, never ever anyone else. It is up to the individual where this line is for them. If 90% of the time I’m attracted to people like myself do I ‘qualify’ as gay? Am I ‘gay enough’? Or am I ‘required’ to use the label bisexual or pansexual if I’ve ever, even for an instant, been attracted to someone different from myself? What about if you identify as straight but you had a crush on someone who is the same sex as you once? Would you be ‘required’ to use the label bisexual or pansexual as well? Or would you have to be equally attracted to men and women in order to ‘qualify’ as bisexual? We need labels to communicate our experiences to each other but when labels become boxes they restrict people’s understanding and this becomes a problem. If my use of the label ‘gay’ was seen as a spectrum it would be possible for me to stay in the ‘female’ box society puts me in and be predominantly female-attracted but have fallen for this one guy, my husband.

The third problem was that society went from seeing us as in the same gender category to opposite gender categories. Gender should not be seen as two categories but also as a spectrum. If gender is a spectrum, it would be possible for me and my husband to still be closer to each other than either end and the label ‘gay’ (or same-attracted) would still make sense. Their question about my sexual orientation changing revealed their rigid understanding of gender and their assumptions about my gender identity.

The fourth problem with this experience is that it made it clear that people thought of my husband’s transition as a switch from being female to being male. Nothing about my husband’s gender was changing. He was still the same person, he had always represented himself in an honest way to me but just didn’t have the right words to express it to himself, to me, or to society. When he finally did, he had to transition in order for society to identify who he had been all along correctly but in my experience he barely changed at all.

This all sounds very rant-y and I suppose it is in some ways. But I’m not mad at people who ask me ‘doesn’t that make you straight?’ It just reveals their limited view of gender and sexual orientation. If they are the type of person that would be open to expanding their worldview and if I have some time (and energy) I’ll question why they think that would be the case.

How I answer the question

My personal crisis about my sexual orientation when my husband first identified that he was trans had very little to do with whether I would still be attracted to him. There was some doubt, sure, but the majority of my stress came from how I was going to explain my identity to other people who had only known me as gay.

When they ask ‘Doesn’t that make you straight?’ the options I came up with for answers were:

  1. I am still gay because I am primarily attracted to women but happened to fall in love with this man.
  2. I am still gay because I am attracted to people who are the same as me and we are much more similar than we are different.
  3. I am gay because even though I identify as female I am actually closer to the middle of the spectrum and so is Jake.

When Jake was first coming out as trans and I was getting the biggest number of these questions I was not yet comfortable discussing my own gender identity so I usually stayed away from #3. I felt like #2 was too vague and might be confusing or frustrating for people because it doesn’t specify anything about gender (which is actually what they’re asking about). A close friend of mine had a female friend who was gay and had been dating a guy for four years. She explained her identity as something like #1. So that’s what I went with most of the time. It still felt somewhat inauthentic but usually safety trumps authenticity (as most queer people can attest).

So that’s it. Pretty straightforward eh? Maybe next time I get asked that question, instead of answering I’ll ask them why they asked it in the first place and see if they can question their own assumptions instead of me doing it for them.

What is your sexual orientation and how does it relate to your gender? I am especially curious what you think of these ideas if you have never thought about your gender or sexual orientation before. Leave a comment below!

My Experiences of Gender Dysphoria and Euphoria

Personal Experiences

I have struggled to write this post because it is so intensely personal but I think it’s important for people to understand what dysphoria feels like. Many trans people talk about how their body has always felt wrong or as soon as they could talk they were voicing that they wanted to be the other binary gender. While dysphoria can present in this way, kind of like a big flashing sign, for me it is a lot more subtle and fluid.

For me, dysphoria feels like wearing a piece of clothing that doesn’t fit. You feel like you keep having to adjust it but no matter how you try it never sits right. It is a vague sense of wrongness. Like if I was a puzzle most of the pieces fit together but there are a few that sit slightly askew and I keep fiddling with them throughout the day to get them to fit. It’s irritating, annoying, frustrating, distracting, and confusing. It is also what I use to show me who I am which gives me a way to frame it in a positive way.

When I’m in an environment or around people who know who I am and are gender affirming regardless of how I’m presenting I get a feeling of ‘rightness’ or gender euphoria. This also happens when I put on clothes and look in the mirror and see a body shape that matches what’s in my head. The dysphoria is gone and because it is so uncomfortable when it’s there, the lack of discomfort feels amazing. These are experiences that cis people have all the time without realizing it because they’ve never felt the discomfort related to gender.

My dysphoria fluctuates day to day. Some days it’s barely noticeable and some days I’m doing everything I can to manage it and it’s still so distracting I have trouble getting through my day. Most of the time it sits at the level of a constant itch that you can’t quite track down. What things are causing dysphoria also fluctuates for me. Some days it is purely physical, some days it is purely social and my body feels fine. Most of the time it is a mix of the two. Separating these out has helped me find appropriate management strategies and allows me to cope much better and live more authentically.

Physical Dysphoria and Euphoria

Physical dysphoria is all those feelings that are centered on a part of my body. For me, this is typically my chest. Most of the time, I picture the shape of my chest being halfway between flat and curved. Some days it feels like it should be perfectly flat but more often I’ll have days where it feels normal as it is. I tend to feel more comfortable in clothing that doesn’t draw attention to my chest. So when my internal sense of what my chest should look like is about halfway flat I will wear a chest binder and that takes away most or all of the dysphoria.

I sometimes feel uncomfortable the shape of my body (curves, hips, thighs) for gender specific reasons ie because of how they are feminine, not because of my weight or size specifically. I generally wear clothes that are baggier or will hang straight down and avoid mirrors when I’m not dressed.

Things that I don’t feel dysphoric about that some people do: my lack of facial hair, size of hands and feet, body hair, or below the belt region.

Social Dysphoria and Euphoria

I generally experience social dysphoria when I’m feeling more male which feels at odds with how society sees me – female. I also experience certain aspects of social dysphoria when I start to have a feeling of invisibility due to no gender euphoria for more than a week.

The things that at times make me feel like I am at odds with how I’m being interacted with are gendered words such as ladies, ma’am, girl (as in ‘hey, girl!), my name, and female pronouns. Female gendered words and titles almost always feel wrong though I’m not sure if male gendered words would feel any better. Generally neutral words most consistently feel the best. Sometimes my name will feel too feminine. Unfortunately my job requires me to wear a name tag and introduce myself repeatedly throughout the day so the best I can do to alleviate this is ‘forget’ to wear my name tag.

Occasionally, female pronouns feel wrong though, again, I’m not sure male pronouns would feel any better on those days. As with the gendered words, neutral pronouns most consistently feel the best. So far I do not feel the need to use neutral pronouns at all times or change my name because my gender fluctuates to the female side enough that the hassle doesn’t feel worth it. I am open to the possibility of doing this in the future if that changes. I can also understand how, for some people, it would be necessary.

Wrap Up

As you can see, dysphoria is generally an uncomfortable experience which takes considerable effort to alleviate to the point of experiencing glimpses of euphoria. The strategies I use to manage dysphoria vary based on where my physical and social sense of my gender sit on the male to female spectrum. I will have a full discussion of this in a future post.

Even when my dysphoria is minimal it is still there at least a small amount and the fluctuations also can be frustrating and destabilizing. This takes a mental and emotional toll and can lead to burnout and difficulty coping with other life stressors. I will also talk about this more in a future post and what strategies I use to keep myself feeling stable.

I hope this description of my experiences helps you understand what dysphoria can feel like or helps give you the words you need to explain your experiences to the people in your life.

What are your experiences of dysphoria? How do you describe it to people who are trying to understand? Does anything here raise other questions you’d like to ask me? Leave a comment below!