Meaghan Ray

When the Stereotypical Trans Story is Wrong

‘True Trans’ Narrative

When you think of a generic trans person, what comes to mind? Is it someone who feels like they were born into the wrong body, who knew from a very young age that they were meant to be the other gender, who preferred the ‘wrong’ toys and the ‘wrong’ clothes? This is the stereotypical trans story. Within the trans community, this type of experience is called ‘True Trans’ implying that because their experience matches the stereotype, their identity as a trans person is somehow more valid than other people.

While it is true that people with the stereotypical trans experience will be questioned less as to whether they are sure and will have to explain their experience less often, this in no way makes their experience or identity more or less valid than any other. There is no hierarchy of transness.

Other Trans Narratives

Some trans people didn’t realize that their discomfort was related to their gender until they were a teenager going through puberty, or as an adult having kids, or as an older adult going through menopause/andropause. Some trans people don’t feel like they were born into the wrong body at all. Some trans people are only uncomfortable with how society views their body and how they are identified as a result of their body but are completely comfortable with their body on it’s own. Some trans people prefer the activities and clothes typically associated with the gender they were assigned at birth.

These trans experiences are poorly represented by mainstream media and therefore poorly understood or acknowledged by the general public. People with trans experiences that do not match the ‘true trans’ stereotype have a harder time understanding themselves, finding the appropriate words to convey their experience to others, and sometimes fall back on descriptions that match the stereotype just so they can get the validation they deserve from people in their lives and medical professionals even if this is not true to their experience.

The Role of Stereotypes

Identities are complex. Social structures such as gender, race, ethnicity, class, disability, sexuality, etc are all infinitely complex. Stereotypes provide a short hand for people who do not have personal experience with a specific identity can have a basic image or understanding of what other people are referring to.

Stereotypes are often the first step in increasing the visibility of a particular identity and eventually normalizing it. Initially this can be helpful but the stereotype quickly becomes something that the people who live that identity need to fight against and correct.

The Harm of Stereotypes

Stereotypes become harmful when people outside that identity don’t recognize it as a stereotype. They believe that the image or understanding they have of that identity is accurate to everyone with that identity. This is especially true for medical professionals who are in a position to refuse a diagnosis or treatment to someone when that person doesn’t fit the medical professional’s personal definition of ‘trans’.

As I mentioned above, stereotypes can also create a hierarchy within a marginalized identity where the people who’s experience match the stereotype are seen as more valid or more deserving of recognition. This can lead to people being excluded from the community that they need support from the most.

Broadening the Trans Narrative

Members of the trans community have pushed back against the stereotype using phases such as “I am trans enough” which got shortened to “I am enough” and “All trans people are valid”. These have been hugely important messages for many people to see and internalize. Just like cis men don’t have to be hyper-masculine to identify as a man, trans men shouldn’t have to ignore or hide their more feminine interests in order to be recognized as a man or seen as ‘trans enough’ to receive medical treatment (if they want it).

The increasing visibility of non-binary identities and non-binary trans people is also a huge step towards broadening the trans narrative and combatting the ‘true trans’ stereotype. Awareness and acceptance of a minority often ends up benefitting the majority in some way, for example sidewalk cutouts for ramps were originally mandated to improve accessibility for wheelchair users but end up making cityscapes much easier to navigate with a stroller, trolley, bicycle, skateboard, or roller blades. I believe that bringing awareness and acceptance of identities that fall in various places on the gender spectrum, identities that are fluid, and identities that don’t always match the person’s presentation will also benefit cis people by making it acceptable for them to explore interests and presentation options that would have previously been deemed ‘inappropriate’.

How have stereotypes been beneficial or harmful to you? What strategies have you used to correct people’s assumptions based on a stereotype? What other stereotypes of trans people have you found? Leave a comment below!

Educating Others Without Compromising Your Boundaries

Sometimes those of us with experience and knowledge of trans related topics want to help educate those around us and sometimes we don’t. And that’s ok. You should never feel like you have to compromise your own mental health for the sake of addressing someone else’s ignorance. But how do you politely tell people to bugger off and educate themselves through other means? And when you are comfortable having some of those conversations, how do you know what you’re comfortable sharing and what you’re not? How do you make them aware of your boundaries without derailing the conversation or damaging your relationship with that person?

Throughout my husband’s transition and my own gender explorations I have had many different conversations with many different types of people about gender and trans related topics. Many times towards the beginning of this process I was already knee deep in a conversation before I realized that I was well past the line that this person shouldn’t have crossed. I am a very open person and I am often comfortable sharing much more personal information with others than most people are so I wasn’t personally uncomfortable with the content. What concerned me more, and often only in retrospect, was that the person I was talking to had no awareness of which questions were appropriate and which ones they should have asked special permission for (and respected my response if I said no). If you have people in your life that have a similar lack of understanding of what is appropriate to ask about or say, see my post How to Interact Respectfully with a Trans Person, or, better yet, send that person the link.

How far do you go before you recommend resources and leave the conversation? That is completely up to you. Everyone will have different boundaries relating to their privacy depending on the type of information, their relationship to the other person/people in the conversation, and the setting where the conversation is taking place. Boundaries are healthy. They are self-protective. The more experiences we have that are threatening, the more self-protective we are likely to become.

The problem comes when you don’t know where your own boundaries are until they have been crossed. This can make you vulnerable, defensive, antagonistic, and can even put your safety at risk. Often, the other person/people in the conversation don’t even know they have crossed a line. Your sudden change in manner can be a shock to them and even to yourself.

How do you avoid this? Think about your boundaries in advance. Below are some guiding questions to get you started. I recommend you add to it any time you get asked a question that triggers a warning bell in your head. Revisit this exercise every few months, when you are nearing a major transition related event, or when you’re going to be interacting with people you haven’t seen in a while (family gatherings). For each question, try to answer it for a variety of different people in your life – a co-worker, a friend, a parent, your doctor, another member of the trans community, etc.

General Info: Are you comfortable…

disclosing your birth name?
explaining why you prefer the pronouns you use?
talking about your experiences of dysphoria?
talking about specific strategies you use to change your appearance or presentation (binding, packing, tucking, padding, etc)?
talking about how supportive your family, significant other, or other people in your life are?
talking about what support groups you attend/are a part of?
talking about wait times, difficulties finding a trans friendly family doctor, and other systemic barriers?

Medical Info: Are you comfortable…

talking about medication you are on related to transitioning?
talking about changes you are experiencing as a result of those medications?
disclosing what surgeries/surgery you are interested in having/have had?

Legal Info: Are you comfortable…

talking about legal documentation changes?
discussing transphobic politics and policies?

This is by no means an exhaustive list of topics that might come up related to your own or your partner’s transition or gender identity. If your partner is the one who’s information you would be sharing, go through this list with them so they can tell you what they are comfortable with you sharing with people in your life. My husband is typically a fairly private person (at least compared to me), but often had much looser boundaries when it came to me sharing info with my coworkers or friends if they were people that he was unlikely to interact with.

Now that you know your boundaries, what do you do or say when someone asks something that you are not comfortable talking about? Try saying exactly that – “Sorry, that isn’t something I’m comfortable talking about with you.” Another phrase I use a lot (because there is rarely something I’m actually not comfortable talking about with someone) is “That is not actually something you should typically ask about a trans person.” They usually respond with “Oh, really? I had no idea.” You can also add phrases such as “Thank you for your concern” or “Thanks for trying to learn more about my experiences/trans issues” or “If you want to learn more about that I would recommend [appropriate resource].”

So whose responsibility is it to do the educating? I believe that no amount of reading on the internet can substitute for face to face conversation and personal anecdotes. But that doesn’t mean that it is always up to the minority to educate the majority. People from or connected to the trans community should not be responsible for providing all necessary information to everyone around them (especially medical professionals). That would be more than exhausting. But you will need to provide the people in your life with enough information to get them from unconsciously ignorant to consciously ignorant and explain how important it is that they educate themselves further. It will also help if you can provide them with specific resources that speak to you. They are much more likely to absorb the information they are getting from other sources if they are confident that it is relevant to your experience.

What other topics or questions would you add to the list? How do your boundaries change depending on your situation or the person you’re talking to? What phrases do you use to identify your boundaries to other people? Was there a situation where you shared something that you realized in retrospect had crossed your personal boundary? Tell me what happened in the comments below!

They/Them Pronouns

Pleural vs Singular, General vs Specific

They/them pronouns are typically seen as a plural pronoun because that is how we use it consciously. But unconsciously, we use it all the time when referring to a single person who’s gender is unknown. In this case, it is an umbrella term that is a stand in for the appropriate pronouns instead of saying he/she all the time. However, some people who don’t identify strictly as male or female may prefer they/them pronouns. In this case, it is a specific identifier, just like he and she.

If it is confusing for you to think of the same word having both a specific meaning and be an umbrella term, think of how we use the word Kleenex. Kleenex is a specific brand of facial tissue but most of the time, when we ask for a Kleenex, we are asking for whatever facial tissue is available.

It is the same with they/them pronouns. Most of the time, neutral pronouns are used as a stand-in or umbrella term to indicate a person regardless of their gender. But, occasionally, and this will be happening more and more, we are using it to identify a specific non-binary person. And having both uses for the same word is ok.

Sticking Points

When we use they/them as an umbrella term it is still the assumption that the person’s gender will be clarified to either be male or female. I’m hoping this will change as non-binary visibility and acceptance improves. If, in fact, their gender gets clarified to indeed be non-binary, it just means that you’ve been gendering them correctly the whole time and don’t need to change your pronoun usage, though the meaning will shift from an umbrella term to a specific pronoun.

If this dual meaning and the shift in meaning isn’t apparent to some people, they can be left with a sense of unfamiliarity when using they/them pronouns, as though they are using an umbrella term to refer to a specific person. They feel vaguely like they are waiting for more information about the person in order to clarify their gender, or that people who use they/them pronouns must have a vague gender identity.

Indeed, non-binary is an umbrella term as well. People of many different types of gender identities may choose to use they/them pronouns. But this doesn’t mean that their own sense of their gender is vague (see my post on How I Conceptualize Non-Binary Genders). They may choose to use non-binary as a label for ease of communication but have other labels that are more representative (for example, see The Labels I Use and Why for my personal explanation of this).

Some people feel like singular they pronouns are difficult to use or don’t feel right because they feel like they are calling a single person a plural pronoun. Again, this is just a misunderstanding of how we use they/them pronouns in everyday language. They are recognizing the conscious plural use but not realizing that they unconsciously use it in the singular form all the time. In my experience this just takes practice. Once you’ve heard people being referred to by neutral pronouns it makes sense.

How to Learn to Use They/Them Pronouns

Learning to use new pronouns, especially neutral ones, can be difficult. I have a few tricks.

Put the pronouns next to their name in your phone
Anytime you think of that person, say their name followed by their pronouns in your head 5 times
Work to change your mental image of the person to match their identity and their image of themselves so that it overrides your previous view of them (and potentially their physical presentation) and the correct pronouns are more likely to come out first
Hang out with people that are at least trying to use the correct pronouns
Be open to being corrected and get used to gently correcting others. Set ground rules that you will correct each other as needed (I am still terrible at this).

Do you use they/them pronouns or know someone who does? What was the process like for you in getting used to using they/them or teaching other people how to? Do you have any other tricks or ways of explaining it that have helped? Leave a comment below!!

6 Months of Self-Discovery

What I Knew at the Beginning

I have both male and female gender
I am more comfortable presenting gender neutral, tomboy, or androgynous
I’m pretty sure I experience dysphoria but I’m not sure what triggers it or what to do about it
Having my husband transition has given me the language and permission to explore my identity and has increased my discomfort at being perceived more feminine due to heteronormativity

Fears I Had

My dysphoria/discomfort would increase the more I focused on it.
I would discover that to be truly happy/whole I would need to use neutral pronouns and name and society wouldn’t be able to accommodate that.
That I would end up less comfortable than I was before starting this process.
That if I get to the point where I have to explain being non-binary to my family they would not understand.
That I would have to change jobs in order to feel comfortable.

Goals of Self Discovery

Identify how much my gender fluctuates.
Identify specific triggers of dysphoria and develop strategies to manage it on a daily basis.
Improve resilience, reduce fatigue, and generate a sense of wholeness.
Find ways to communicate my identity to others.

6 MONTHS LATER…

What I Know Now

I fluctuate between 50% female to 25% male (0 being equal amounts of each).
I have a significant amount of social dysphoria that is primarily triggered by female labels (ma’am, ladies, girl) and to a lesser extent by female pronouns (she/her).
I have a minimal to moderate amount of physical dysphoria, primarily related to chest and voice.
I am most comfortable when referred to using they/them pronouns and using the name Meaghan Ray (or having equal amount of time being identified as Ray as Meaghan).

Did My Fears Come True?

Yes, some days it feels like my dysphoria does get worse the more I focus on it. But the truth is, it is there regardless and I can either ignore it and have a vague sense of discomfort, frustration, irritability, fatigue, and lack of focus, or I can identify it for what it is, thus increasing my awareness of it but also improving my ability to address it or cope with it.
Yes, in order to live my best life I would prefer neutral pronouns 100% of the time and no, I don’t believe society (or at least my specific workplace) can accommodate that. But I also discovered that I am decently comfortable with female pronouns most days. It’s the other gendered terms that affect me more and that is something I might be able to address in the future.
No, I am definitely more comfortable now than I was before. I have significantly fewer symptoms of burnout and a ton more strategies to deal with bad dysphoria days.
I haven’t gotten to the point of coming out to my family. I have broached the subject in relation to correcting their assumptions about the binary and explaining a friend’s experience but have not discussed my own identity yet. I’m sure I will write a post about it when I do.
Changing jobs may or may not increase my comfort level. But I have become significantly more comfortable without changing jobs so I take that as a win.

Did I Achieve My Goals?

Yes, I very clearly identified how much my gender fluctuates using a chart I created which you can read about here.
Yes. Read about my physical and social dysphoria triggers and my strategies for coping here. One important step was cutting my hair short. Read about my exploration of my gender expression here.
Yes, I have noticed a significant improvement in my resilience and fatigue levels and I’m hoping that these and my sense of wholeness will continue to improve as I come out to more people.
Yes, I have some ways to communicate my identity to others though I am still working on this one.

Still Working On…

Coming out to people slowly, including my family
Introducing myself as Meaghan Ray or just Ray in queer spaces
Managing the physical discomfort that comes from wearing a binder so I can wear it as often as I feel the need to

Looking Ahead

Fears about dysphoria during pregnancy and early motherhood and how to manage it (I’m not pregnant yet but hope to be in the near future)
Being a non-binary parent

What have you learned about yourself in the last 6 months? What fears did you have before starting your own gender exploration process? How has your understanding of your own gender changed since you started to explore it more consciously? Leave a comment below and tell me your story!

Exploring My Gender Expression

I have both a female gender and male gender. This means I am most comfortable expressing my gender in ways that include both female and male components. Neither aspect of my gender is very far from the middle of the spectrum so I personally prefer a more androgynous appearance. Some people may prefer to mix aspects of presentation from the two extremes. If this is what makes them feel comfortable and authentic, I say have at it.

Gender expression is a combination of appearance and behaviour. My purpose for exploring my gender expression was to find a way to express how I feel physically in my body to help decrease physical dysphoria and to present myself in a way that makes my identity more visible to others in order to influence how they see me and interact with me in order to decrease social dysphoria.

Throughout this series of posts I will be referring to different aspects of gender presentation based on their conventional gender category. This does not mean I believe these aspects of presentation ‘belong’ to that gender or should be gendered at all. It’s just a convenient way to discuss and think about presentation since part of the purpose is to affect how others (who typically do prescribe gender categories to aspects of presentation) view us.

I am still exploring my gender expression and will continue to, off and on, for my whole life as I change as a person, but here are some of the aspects I have considered.

APPEARANCE

Clothing

You can do almost anything you want with clothing. You can pick different articles of clothing (skirt or dress, slacks and bowtie), different styles (golf shirt vs blouse, short shorts vs long shorts), and different colours (darker, neutral, or royal colours are typically more masculine, softer lighter colours are typically feminine).

You can combine any of these components in any way, for example a feminine bottom (skirt) with a masculine top (button up shirt and bowtie), or adopt a consistent gender presentation that is similar day to day or wildly different depending on how you feel.

As an AFAB person, my base appearance is more feminine so I am more comfortable when I wear more masculine clothing to balance that out. My sense of gender fluctuates somewhat but stays generally closer to the middle than either end of the spectrum so my clothing doesn’t change a ton.

Body Hair and Head Hair

Body hair, in my North American culture, is generally viewed as more masculine. This includes leg hair and underarm hair. At some point in my early to mid teens I tried shaving my legs. Not only was having to shave annoying but it felt uncomfortable to me so I stopped. I can now identify the discomfort I felt as relating to gender. This was a mild component of dysphoria triggered by shaving my legs. This dysphoria at least has an easy fix – don’t shave.

Facial hair is especially seen as masculine. As I am not on testosterone and do not have facial hair I have to make up for this in other ways. I have never particularly wanted to have facial hair but some days it would be nice to have the shortcut to being identified as male.

Head hair is something I’ve experimented with very recently. Growing up I always had long hair and almost always had it tied back in a pony tail or braid. In my early twenties I did Cuts for Cancer and had it cut to just above ear length. I quite enjoyed this but didn’t specifically identify it as a gender based experience. I slowly grew it out, mostly due to neglect, but then the undercut style came into fashion. I started with the basic undercut at the back, then expanded it up one side. I was almost exclusively wearing the long part of my hair in a bun. I worked up the courage and finally got it all cut short. This has been one of the best experiences since starting to explore my gender identity and play with expression. It has offset my base feminine appearance to the point where I feel comfortable adding a bit of feminine flair back in. I feel more like myself and I like what I see when I look in the mirror.

Accessories and Jewelry

Most jewelry is seen as feminine. Thicker, darker, or chunkier jewelry is on the more masculine side. I have two necklaces that are more gender neutral or masculine, and two that are more feminine. Watches are something that can be either depending on style, so I wear a more masculine style watch. I do not have my ears pierced but I do sometimes wear an ear cuff. I have three – straight lines (more masculine), crossing zig zag lines that looks a bit elven (neutral), and a rose (feminine).

Switching up my jewelry and other accessories is one of the main ways I deal with dysphoria. I have to wear pretty similar clothes every day at work so I don’t have as many presentation options with clothing.

BEHAVIOUR

I think of behaviour as anything that wouldn’t be discernible from a picture. This can include physical movements and postures, voice, word choices, interaction style, and mannerisms. Some examples are how you cross your legs, altering the pitch of your voice, or your physical greeting style (handshake, hug, one-arm hug, fist bump, etc).

Women typically apologize more, especially if they’re interrupting or offering an opinion. This is a hard habit to break if you are the type of person that does this a lot but if you are trying to be read as more masculine, breaking this habit might help.

When walking towards someone in a hallway or on the sidewalk, women are more likely to move out of the way, even if they were only taking up half of the space to begin with. So, without being rude and blocking the hallway, hold your ground next time and see how it feels. I will do this if I am passing a more masculine person but I will still move out of the way if it is a more feminine person.

Men typically hold doors for women. So, if you are feeling more masculine, hold doors for women (and men, and people in general), or insist that the guy who is trying to hold the door for you walk through first.

Over the course of a few months, I have consciously worked to lower the pitch of my voice. I have a music and choir background so part of how I do this is by working to expand my singing range into lower registers. This helps to maintain the resonant quality despite using the lower end of my range (so I don’t sound monotone or growly when I talk). Some days I will work harder at this than others depending on whether my masculine side or feminine side is more dominant that day. The times when I have to correct my voice more consciously is when I am greeting people, when I’m talking on the phone, when I’m talking to animals or children, and when I’m excited.

I’m sure there are many more aspects to gender expression that can be explored. One of the other main ones that I have used is binding which I will discuss in a future post.

What are some ways you have played with your gender expression? Is this based on dysphoria or other aspects to your gender identity? Leave a comment below to share your experiences!

How to be Respectful Towards a Trans Person

Most of the people I talk to about my husband’s transition are open-minded and accepting but generally ignorant. They want to treat trans people respectfully but don’t know how. They want to learn more about my husband’s transition and my experience as his partner but don’t know how to ask the questions in a respectful way. So I thought I’d give you some suggestions or guidelines depending on your relationship with the trans person.

STRANGERS AND ACQUAINTANCES

Use the correct name and pronouns by which I mean use the name and pronouns that they ask you to use regardless of how they present at the time. If they don’t specify their pronouns you can ask or use the pronouns that is your best guess based on their presentation until they correct you. If they use other gendered terms to identify themselves then you should reflect their language back to them and use the corresponding pronouns unless they have specified otherwise.

You should not be asking anything about their transition including the name they were born with, whether they’ve had surgery (especially don’t ask if they’ve had ‘the’ surgery), whether their family is supportive, how old they were when they realized they were trans, or how long they’ve been on hormones.

Phrases to Avoid:

Are you a guy or a girl?
You look so good! I never would have known you were trans.
I have so many questions!

Phrases to Use:

My pronouns are ___. What pronouns do you use?
…blah blah blah… [incorrect pronoun]… sorry…. [correct pronoun]…. blah blah….

FRIENDS, COWORKERS, AND EXTENDED FAMILY

If this is the level of your relationship, the trans person may have shared more about their transition process with you. This may include frustrations and struggles, medical components such as starting hormone therapy or having surgery, and legal components such as completing their official name change on various documents.

The most important thing you can do remains using the correct name and pronouns. Even better, correct the people around you if you hear them get it wrong. Not only will this help you and others adjust more quickly but it will also show the trans person they have your support and establish an expectation for everyone that it is not acceptable to misgender someone. Correcting people’s pronouns is exhausting for the trans person especially when they have to correct the same person repeatedly. To help you adjust, change their name in your phone/contact info and put their pronouns in brackets next to it. Each time you think of that person, repeat their name and pronouns in your head five times. Don’t worry about sounding awkward and hesitating if that’s what it takes to use the correct name and pronouns. If you make a mistake, apologize and move on. Don’t derail the conversation and make it all about the trans person and their pronouns every time someone makes a mistake.

It is a long process with lots of barriers and frustrations. Drawing attention to how long the process is taking makes it harder for the trans person to deal with. Transition is not a step by step process or a recipe that people follow and does not always have a specific end point. Everyone’s transition process is different. Not everyone will be transitioning to male or female (they may identify as non-binary). Not everyone will take hormones. Not everyone will have top surgery or bottom surgery but some people might. The length of time between parts of their transition vary wildly. It is not your place to ask about this unless the trans person offers the information first. If they confide in you, it is not acceptable to share that information with anyone else without their permission.

Do not compare your frustrations with changing your last name after getting married to the trans person’s experience with changing their first name and gender. Forms that have categories for getting married do not have options for first name and gender changes. People that process name change paperwork are familiar with the process of last name change with marriage status but not first name change with gender. Talking about your name change with marriage does not put you at risk for discrimination or having people question your identity the way it does for a trans person. This example applies to almost any aspect of transition including hormone replacement, surgery, or other types of coming out experiences.

Try not to treat the person any differently once they transition or once you learn about their status as a trans person. Do not try to educate the trans person on ‘how to be’ their new gender. Do not second guess the trans person’s identity, even if their presentation or interests are not stereotypical of their stated gender. They have second guessed their identity enough, long before you became aware that they were trans.

Phrases to Avoid:

Why does your ID still have your old name?
When are you getting the surgery?
And your spouse/S.O. is ok with this?
I can get your name right but I just need a little more time to get your pronouns, you understand right?
You’re still not done yet? You’ve been working on this for a while!
I knew you as [birth name] for so long, it’s going to take a while to adjust
What bathroom are you using?

Phrases to Use:

I want to learn more about your experience. Do you have any resources I could look at?
Is there anything I can do to help support you?
…blah blah blah… [incorrect pronoun]… sorry…. [correct pronoun]…. blah blah….

CLOSE FRIENDS AND IMMEDIATE FAMILY

Everything from the previous section applies to you as well, especially the part about name and pronouns. In addition, you may be one of the first people the trans person is coming out to. Your support is the most important factor in helping the trans person get through their transition. Literally. The suicide rate for trans people is extremely high. The number one factor that prevents suicide among trans people is family support. So learn as much as you can about the transition process and let them know they have your support, even if you are struggling to accept or understand their new identity. Let them know that they should tell you if you do something or say something wrong or upsetting. Make sure you spend time with them doing things that you both enjoy that have nothing to do with their transition. It is a good way to stay in contact and get used to changes as they happen but not make everything about being trans.

If there are aspects of their transition that you are struggling with, let them know and tell them you are working on it. Find other people to talk to about it. Unless they have given you permission to tell other people, this will likely be a therapist. If they know that you are struggling and need to talk to someone and you ask if you can tell a specific friend or one other family member, they may be open to it. Never tell someone that this person is trans without their permission. Once they start telling people, you may become a conduit for information for the rest of the family or group of friends. Talk to the trans person about how they want you to answer typical questions and how much information they are comfortable with you disclosing. This type of conversation will happen repeatedly as the group of people they have come out to grows.

Offer to go with them to medical appointments and other difficult tasks even if they seem trivial to you. It often takes a lot of courage to get those steps done and having backup definitely can help. If they ask you to, try to be willing to attend therapy or support group sessions with them.

Phrases to Avoid:

You’re not going to get surgery though, are you?
These changes are permanent! What if you change your mind?
You really should tell [specific person]. They deserve to know.
You don’t really need to get the surgery, since you’re married. If you were single it would be a different story.
You can come over for dinner, as long as you don’t talk about your transition.

Phrases to Use:

Would you like some company when you’re going to… (eg: HR, passport office, fingerprinting, registry for name change)?
I support you and your decision to transition but it will take me some time to adjust. Is there anyone you would be comfortable with me talking to about this so I can work through my own feelings faster and not put them on you?
Let me know when you are ready to start telling other people and I will help you with that in whatever way I can.
What can I do to affirm your identity? You have told me what not to do, but are things I can do that feel positive for you?

MEDICAL AND HEALTH PROFESSIONALS

If a patient enters your practice seeking treatment from you and you are either aware of their trans status or become aware of their trans status during the interaction, the first thing to do is confirm that you are using the correct name and pronouns and then stick to those. Make sure your patient database on your computer system reflects the correct name and pronouns. If you are unable to change them in your system for legal/billing reasons until the person has completed their legal name and gender marker change, find a way to indicate in your system what name and pronouns the patient uses so that all the staff in your clinic identify the patient correctly.

As a health professional it is your job to know what aspects of the patient’s status as a trans person are relevant to your medical field and which are not. Learn how to ask questions about the relevant areas in a respectful, straightforward way that makes it clear why it is relevant.

You should not be asking any questions related to any aspect of their transition or experience as a trans person that is not relevant to your area of practice. If you want to learn more you can ask the patient for resources they would recommend, but, better than that, you can do your own research just like you are expected to do when a patient has a history of a medical condition you are not familiar with. It cannot always be up to the patient to educate the professionals. It is not only exhausting for the patient but unprofessional.

Keep in mind that trans people will have had many unpleasant, inappropriate, transphobic experiences with other health professionals before you. They are coming into this interaction with their walls up expecting a negative experience. It only takes one misstep to confirm their expectations that this interaction will be like all the rest. If you realize you have made a misstep, apologize for it taking full responsibility and move on. Stay focused on why they are there to see you and only what is relevant to that condition/concern/complaint.

Phrases to Avoid:

Oh! You’re trans? That’s so interesting! I’d love to talk to you more about that.
Have you had the surgery?
When will your transition be complete?
Anything irrelevant to your profession or the reason they are there.

Phrases to Use:

I admit I have very little experience with trans patients so if I say something inappropriate please tell me right away or if you think there is something relevant that I haven’t asked about, please feel free to mention it if you feel comfortable doing so.
I’ve been trying to find information on trans people’s experiences with this condition. Are there any resources you would recommend?
I understand from your history that you are trans. Have we been using the correct name and pronouns for you? If yes, let us know anytime if that changes. If no, what name and pronouns would you prefer?

I hope this information helps you feel more confident that you will be able to treat trans people in a way that conveys your respect for them. Did you find any of this surprising? If there are areas you want to know more about, take a look at the Resources Page or search for other similar posts under the Partner tab.

If you are trans and reading this, what other suggestions do you have? What is your reaction when someone uses one of the phrases that I recommend people avoid?

Dealing with Frustration

WHY FRUSTRATION?

It feels like frustration has become my default setting. Frustration is a result of having a goal but having minimal progress towards that goal. It’s a feeling of stagnation, of constantly coming up against immovable barriers and being powerless to make a difference. The more important the goal is to you or the bigger the effect that the goal will have on your life, the more urgently you want it and the less you can tolerate stagnation without becoming overwhelmed frustration.

During various stages in my husband’s transition we had to wait for medical and legal systems to change, creep up a waitlist, wait for the physical changes to happen that come with HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy, in Jake’s case, testosterone), or wait for people to start using the correct name and pronouns. For myself, I find that the more dysphoria I feel, the less resilient to life’s stressors I am. I am less patient and more easily frustrated, especially when gender related topics or situations come up.

I have developed a number of strategies for dealing with or minimizing frustration that I thought I’d share with you. I have a couple general strategies, a couple for dealing with the waiting and frustrations associated with transitioning, and a couple for minimizing the increase in frustration due to dysphoria. I hope you find them useful.

GENERAL STRATEGIES

Get Enough Sleep

When I haven’t been getting enough sleep I am tired, cranky, and my brain hasn’t had enough time to recover from one day’s stress so it bleeds into the next day. I have to drink more caffeine to get through my day which makes me jittery. These effects are strongest when I haven’t had enough sleep, but are also present if I didn’t sleep at the right time (went to bed late and slept in), even if I slept for 8+ hours.

Suggestion: try tracking your sleep patterns and your mood, frustration level, energy level, or whatever symptoms you experience personally. Try planning your sleep as a part of your day just like you would with other important tasks.

Exercise

Frustration is a stagnant feeling. It is a holding of tension that has nowhere to go. For me, exercise helps. It gives me a feeling of getting that tension or energy moving and expelling it in a functional way. Some people accomplish the same thing by cleaning. I have found a base level of cardio exercise per week helps decrease the day to day frustration level and doing a harder weights workout helps if there is something specific that triggered a build up of frustration. I feel like martial arts or boxing would also serve the same purpose though I haven’t tried these personally.

Suggestion: try building exercise into your weekly plan if it isn’t already. Start at a level that feels ridiculously easy to accomplish and only increase the goal when you’ve been able to accomplish it three weeks in a row. Increase it by no more than 10% at a time. Try different types of exercise and note their effects on your mental and emotional state. When you have an increase in frustration, fatigue, anxiety, or whatever it is that you experience, schedule in the type of exercise that helps you manage that symptom the most. See my post At the Gym for my own exploration of exercise and dysphoria.

FRUSTRATION WITH WAITING

Get Involved

If you have the energy and time to do so, getting involved in changing the systems that are in your way can give a sense of purpose to your struggle and decrease the frustration. However, burning yourself out with advocacy will not help deal with frustration so be careful not to overextend. Advocacy doesn’t have to mean petitions or lobbying the government. It can mean volunteering at your local LGBT center, offering to do a presentation or review the policies at your workplace, or writing a blog.

Find a Project to Work On

Frustration is a result of a feeling of stagnation. You want to be seeing progress on something but you aren’t so you feel frustrated. It is a build up of tension and has nowhere to go. So find something else to focus on that you enjoy that will give you a sense of progress. Projects that involve learning new skills, are creative in nature, result in a shareable product or provide a helpful service for others, and can be broken down into small steps (frequently accomplishing milestones gives the best sense of progress). I find creative projects the most beneficial. You can pour your frustration onto the page, into a drawing or painting, or into a piece of music.

MORE EASILY FRUSTRATED DUE TO DYSPHORIA

Authentic Experiences

Seek out or create opportunities where you can be yourself and feel comfortable. Hang out with people that you are ‘out’ to. Spend time with people that have similar experiences or identities to you. Engage in activities that don’t trigger dysphoria or relate to your gender at all (gender non-specific activities). You read more about my own search for authentic experiences here: Finding Sources of Support and Experimenting with My Name and Pronouns.

Optimize Management of Dysphoria

Explore the specific sources of your dysphoria and develop as many strategies strategies for decreasing or managing your dysphoria as you can. For me, this process involved three stages: explore my identity, track and identify sources of dysphoria, and trial variations in gender expression to develop management strategies. Dara Hoffman-Fox’s book You and Your Gender Identity: A guide to discovery walks you through this process in a methodical process that I found very helpful. I have written about my experiences with this process in My Initial Gender Exploration Process, My Experiences with Gender Dysphoria and Euphoria, My Physical vs. Social Sense of Gender. I hope those posts will help you with this strategy.

Do you experience frustration the way I do or for similar reasons? How do you deal with frustration? Have you used similar strategies to the ones I describe above? Do you have other strategies that I didn’t mention that have worked for you? Leave a comment below! Your strategies may work better than mine do for someone else!

Visibility and Representation

VISIBILITY

I define visibility as feeling seen by those around you, consciously or unconsciously. This can be specific to a particular aspect of your identity or a recognition of the complexity and intersectionality of different parts of your identity.

Visibility is also being recognized by a stranger as belonging to the same group giving a sense of solidarity and community. Being visible as a queer person can give unspoken support for someone in the closet who may be struggling. This can be done using symbols, colours, flags, or expression styles.

Initially, as a gay person, I used rainbows for visibility. Then, after Jake and I started dating (before Jake’s transition), I was much more visible as being queer by being part of a gay couple and talking about my wife. When Jake transitioned I loss this visibility because I am now seen as part of a straight couple and I talk about my husband. I struggled with this loss of visibility because it felt like a loss of identity. Once I recognized it as a visibility issue I went back to my previous habits of using rainbow symbols and talking about the queer aspects of my identity more openly. It took a bit of work to find ways of doing this that didn’t out Jake as trans but it’s definitely possible.

More recently, I’ve wanted to be visible as genderqueer or nonbinary. This is still fairly new and since I’m not ready to be as open about it with everyone in my life I have to rely on symbols/flags that other genderqueer people will recognize or changing my appearance such as cutting my hair short. More on this to come.

REPRESENTATION

I think of representation as seeing yourself in media, or at least seeing realistic portrayals of a particular aspect of your identity. Often, appropriate representation isn’t spontaneously available and I have searched for it online.

As with visibility, the representation I feel connected to has shifted over time, through Jake’s transition and into my own gender exploration process. Initially, lesbian role models spoke to me the most, then trans masculine role models while I was trying to understand Jake’s identity and experiences, and now, nonbinary and genderqueer role models are what I connect with the most.

I have found both visibility and representation to be extremely important to me, especially with aspects of my identity that are typically invisible. Do you find visibility and/or representation important? How has your need for and type of visibility and representation changed as your identity has evolved? Leave a comment below!

Why I Don’t Identify As Trans

Trans

The root word trans typically means across or change. As a queer identity it has two main meanings. The binary version is that a trans person identifies with the opposite gender from what they were assigned at birth (still the way society interprets the label). The gender spectrum version is that they do not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth (this is the definition that I use). None of these definitions really fit me as I still do identify with the gender I was assigned at birth but I also identify with other parts of the gender spectrum at the same time.

experience with a label is important

My experience with the trans label is primarily through my husband’s transition from female to male. This involved a change of name both socially and legally, a change of gender pronouns and legal gender marker, and various components of a medical transition. None of this applies to me or what my personal acceptance and exploration path looks like (at least not yet).

Trans is not the same as ‘not cis’

For me, Trans is a specific identity that covers many different types of experiences but not necessarily all identities that are not cis. Many people use it as an umbrella term to cover any identity that is not cis-gendered (their gender matches what they were assigned at birth). Technically I would fall under that umbrella term. But that is not how I define trans. I don’t see ‘trans’ and ‘cis’ as opposites. Someone else with an identity similar to mine is totally free to use the label trans if it suits them.

Presentation

Even though my presentation is often fairly masculine, I am socially read as female. If I used the label trans I would either be read as a pre-T trans guy or a trans woman (which is a label that is generally used by AMAB people who identify as female), neither of which applies to me and really just confuses the situation.

Me

My gender is both the same as what I was assigned at birth and includes a component that is different from what I was assigned at birth. My husband’s experience is very different from mine and I strongly associate the label ‘trans’ with his experience. Many people who are not cis have a feeling of being ‘not trans enough’ to earn the label or to ‘qualify’ to use the label trans. I too have to fight against the feeling of not being legitimate in my gender experience but since I do not have an affinity with the label ‘trans’ I can’t express it using the phrase ‘not trans enough’. I have found other labels I prefer which you can read about here.

What is your definition and experience of the label Trans? Is it a label you identify with? Have you struggled with other people assuming your identity is something other than what it is as a result of using the label Trans? If you don’t associate with the label Trans, what other labels do you use instead? Leave a comment below and share your experiences!

Interpersonal Dysphoria

After my husband decided to transition I slowly started picturing him the way he pictured himself: with a flat chest and facial hair. Seeing him with a female chest became uncomfortable. But I couldn’t really picture exactly what he would look like with a flat chest. So instead, this area of my mental image of him kind of blurred out.

In prep for his top surgery consult we had to take topless pictures for the surgeon and take measurements which was a very uncomfortable experience for both of us as neither of us pictured him with a female shaped chest at this point.

After surgery we went back to the clinic about a week later for removal of the bandages. It was a very interesting experience to see his chest flat for the first time. I was finally able to look at that part of his body and not have what I was seeing conflict with what he looked like in my head. Over time the blurry part where his chest was in my mental image cleared to match what his chest looks like now.

I have started describing this type of experience as Interpersonal Dysphoria. This is when your mental image of your friend/partner/family member has changed to match their newly affirmed gender but their physical body hasn’t changed yet.

Experiencing interpersonal dysphoria is a good sign!! It means you are ahead of the game and have adjusted your mental image to match your partner’s identity. But it still sucks because it makes you somewhat uncomfortable with how they look. If you never experience dysphoria for your own body this is as close as you are likely to come to knowing what it feels like.

The areas of their body that now seem ‘wrong’ to you are likely the areas that they experience dysphoria with. But making this assumption can cause problems. Are you comparing their body with a cis body of their ‘preferred’ gender? Or are you comparing their body to how they personally wish their body looked? These are two different scenarios. Comparing to a cis body can be dangerous because they may not have any problem with certain areas of their body. If you are comparing to a cis body you are assigning a gender to their body parts the same way society does which can lead to shame, disgust, and dysphoria or avoiding interacting with parts of their body that they are actually comfortable with.

To avoid this scenario you need to have open conversations with your person to learn how they feel about different parts of their body and why (or as open a conversation as is appropriate given your relationship to that person – coworker vs sibling vs partner). Give your partner room to think about these questions and change their mind at different times. Recognize that these conversations will cause a temporary increase in dysphoria just by having your partner focus on those body parts. You may want to break the conversation into small pieces and revisit it with recovery time in between. Build in self-care recovery time after each of these conversations for both of you.

If your person can articulate how they feel about their body and how they picture their ideal body that would match their identity, you should cultivate a mental image that matches. This will help you adjust to using a different name and different pronouns and help you unconsciously interact with them in more gender affirming ways.

If this person is your partner, this type of interpersonal dysphoria will also lead to changes in how you will be intimate with each other. If you haven’t already had conversations about what ways your partner is comfortable having you interact with their body and what they are comfortable doing with you, now is as good a time as any. Keep in mind this is a two-way street – the conversation should also include what you are comfortable doing with them and having them do to you.

As they explore their gender and gender expression and find ways to deal with dysphoria during intimacy and sex the boundaries of what each of you are comfortable with may overlap or not in various ways and may change over time. These are conversations that you should get used to having on a regular basis. I don’t want to go into full sex talk mode here so I’ll leave the rest up to your imagination. If these conversations are too difficult for you to have with your partner or your partner isn’t able or willing to engage with you in this discussion I recommend finding a couple’s therapist that is familiar with trans issues to help you out.

Have you experienced interpersonal dysphoria with your partner, friend, or family member? How did you navigate the conversations that needed to happen for you to know how they pictured their body? Leave a comment below with your experiences or questions!