Meaghan Ray

Passing as Nonbinary

‘Passing’ refers to blending in with societies norms and expectations for your gender. This includes presentation (clothes, facial and body hair, accessories, makeup, etc), voice, roles/interests, and mannerisms. The expectations for a specific gender will be different in different cultures and at different times in history but they are always present.

Not everyone wants to pass. However, it is often easier to get by in life, not to mention safer, if you do pass. Some trans people feel tremendous pressure to pass both from society at large and from within the community and feel that if they don’t pass they are failing as a trans person or that their preferred gender isn’t as valid.

It is an unfortunate reality that people who don’t ‘pass’ as well, whether due to genetics or the stage of transition they are in, often have a harder time getting people to use the correct name and pronouns and take their identity seriously. They experience more stigma, more confusion, and have to stand up for themselves a lot more often.

So what about non-binary people? The concept of passing requires the society we live in to have a specific set of expectations for a particular gender. But what if they don’t even recognize that gender? When it comes to non-binary people, they don’t have expectations. Not because it’s such a big category (which it is) but because people in general don’t walk down the street and identify strangers as non-binary the way they do when they see a stranger and think ‘man’ or ‘woman’.

In my experience, this means that non-binary people get grouped in with the binary gender that they most closely fit the expectations for. Depending on how they present and interact, they could be identified as male or female in different situations or on different days. Or they might be consistently gendered one way or the other. Regardless, there is rarely a time when a stranger will automatically gender someone as ‘unknown’ or ‘neutral’ or ‘non-binary’ until explicitly told. And even then, it is still difficult to get people to recognize and respect non-binary identities.

So does the concept of passing not even apply to non-binary people? Maybe. Or maybe there is a different way to look at it. Maybe ‘passing’ for non-binary people is getting an equal amount of time being gendered as female and male (or whatever proportion feels right for you). Maybe it’s getting confused looks and making people second guess themselves or stumble over their pronouns and honorifics.

This means that, while passing for binary trans people is safer than not passing, passing as non-binary will actually be less safe and potentially cause the person to experience more stigma than if they are a non-binary person who passes as one of the binary genders (and has difficulty getting recognized as non-binary). Being constantly gendered one way might be more uncomfortable and less authentic but it would be safer.

I will likely be gendered as female my whole life which will be a continual struggle. The times when I get gendered as male feel surprising and amazing. The times when I make people confused about my gender and how to refer to me make me feel authentic and uncomfortable. Maybe I will get used to their discomfort with my identity and let go of the need to solve it for them. Regardless, it is a strange mix of experiences. Especially when compared to the consistently positive emotions that my husband experienced as testosterone took effect and he started passing much better as male.

For me, passing just isn’t a concept that relates to my experience as a non-binary or genderqueer person. It is a concept that I witnessed through my husband’s experience and a concept I understand thoroughly, but not one that seems to hold any meaning for my own identity or place in the world.

Until society builds a concept of what a non-binary person is (beyond the narrow AFAB skinny white androgynous aesthetic that the queer community leans towards), there is nothing to compare myself to in order to ‘pass’ as non-binary. Regardless, I prefer to be myself, wear what makes me comfortable, and blend in when I need to for safety or mental health. I refuse to feel guilty or less valid as a non-binary person simply because I pass as female (whether I want to or not).

What is your experience with passing? What does ‘passing’ mean to you? Leave me a comment below with your experiences. I’d love to hear from you.

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Lost and Found in Transition

LOST IN TRANSITION

With any change comes a letting go of what was and a discovery of what could be. This is the process of grieving. It can be overwhelming.

As changes go, gender transition is one of the biggest. Some losses are forever. Some are temporary. Some are hard. Some are easy.

Straightforward medical care
Access
Fertility
Familiarity
Safety
Security

Global travel
Friends
Family
Relationships
Relatability

Not everything you lose is negative. Some things that you lose are harder to recognize but should be celebrated.

Confusion
Pain
Boxes
Tension
Anger
Anxiety
Walls
Ignorance

Grief allows you to make room for new and meaningful things. Change is growth. Processing what you have lost allows you to recognize what you have found.

FOUND IN TRANSITION

With any change comes many new things. As changes go, gender transition is one of the biggest.

Some changes you want. Some you just have to deal with.

Some are sudden and turn you upside down. Some you see coming forever. Some you only see in hindsight.

Some happen slowly whether you want them to or not. Some happen fast and force you to adapt.

Puberty 2.0
Body shape
Medications
Scars
Euphoria

Confidence
Community
Support
Deeper understanding
Pride
New identity
Openness

Big changes bring lots of new things. These are the building blocks of who you are and who you will be. Understand, accept, and celebrate the new things big and small.

This is the first zine I have created! Hope you like it. Find me on instagram @meaghan.ray.peters to see a video of what the zine looks like in full!

As always, please leave a comment below to tell me what you think!

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Misgendering is More Than Name and Pronouns

The most basic way to respect a trans person is by using their preferred name and pronouns whenever and wherever they have requested you do so. But there is much more to respecting someone’s gender than simply using the correct name and pronouns.

Most of the time, when we are talking directly to someone, we don’t use their name and pronouns. It’s only when we refer to them in third person or talk about something that happened in the past, and often this is when the person isn’t present. But there are other gendered terms that we often use directly to a person or a group of people that can either be damaging or affirming. This includes ladies, gentlemen, ma’am, sir, girl, dude, bro, etc.

In general, it is a good idea to avoid gendered language as much as possible. You cannot assume someone’s gender based on how they look, what they were assigned at birth, or what someone else may have told you. So using gender neutral or inclusive language is a good habit to get into.

As someone who works in a female dominated work environment, I hear these terms a lot. It is more likely that I will be hanging out with a woman. This makes it particularly easy for people to say ‘hey ladies’ or ‘thanks ladies’.

For me, having people use my birth name and she/her pronouns when I’m feeling more neutral or male is not nearly as uncomfortable as hearing other types of gendered language. The words that are the most uncomfortable when applied to me are things like girl, ladies, and ma’am.

Despite being genderfluid, there are no days that those specifically female terms feel good to me. Conversely, male-gendered language almost always feels good to me. At the same time, female pronouns generally feel ok where male pronouns would feel weird. So if I use female pronouns and all other gendered terms are male, it would be a way that both aspects of my gender could be recognized without changing my name and pronouns.

Since they/them pronouns feel good 100% of the time, that would be ideal. But I recognize that using they/them is difficult for many people and impossible as an expectation for strangers. So instead, I’ve been asking people to focus on avoiding the rest of the female gendered language that they typically would use.

So far, those conversations have been going well. I provide them with alternatives such as folks, friend, guys, everyone, or even some more masculine terms such as bro, dude, man, etc. When they slip up, I find it much easier to correct this type of gendered language than name and pronouns (at times when I’ve specified other ones). And since it feels consistently worse to hear those terms, I feel like I am having a much stronger impact on my day to day comfort with this strategy.

Does being misgendered by gendered language feel different to you than being misgedered by your name and pronouns? Did people have an easier time with adjusting these other terms or using a different name and pronouns after you came out? Let me know in the comments below!

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Name Options

Picking a new name is a quintessential part of gender transition. But not every trans person feels the need to change their name. Some are perfectly comfortable with their given name. Some have more than one name and use different ones depending on how they feel or who they’re with. This is my experience.

Meaghan

Meaghan is my given name and is not particularly gender neutral. But this doesn’t automatically mean I am uncomfortable with it. Most of the time, it feels like this name fits me. Even if I’m feeling more male, Meaghan still feels like it represents at least half of who I am so it doesn’t particularly feel wrong, just not wholly representative.

Ray

Ray is the name that I have always associated with the male part of my identity. At times when I am feeling more male than female, this name feels better than Meaghan. However, as a gender fluid person, there are many times when Ray would not feel comfortable so at the moment, legally or socially changing my name to Ray does not feel like a good option.

Meaghan Ray

This is my most preferred version of my name. I think of my name as being both Meaghan and Ray, almost as though it was hyphenated. I am considering changing my middle name to Ray so that it would appear this way on my documents. I have tried introducing myself using both names but everyone either thinks Ray is my last name and just uses Meaghan or just shortens it for ease unless I take the time to correct them or specify that I go by both names. But I am getting better at making it clear how I want to be referred to. And just knowing in my head that this name represents the whole of who I am, and especially knowing that this is how my husband thinks of me, is hugely helpful.

Meaghan With Occasional Ray

This is where I’m at right now. I typically go by Meaghan but use Ray in certain circles (ie with queer friends). The times when I get to use Ray are a breath of fresh air. They help me feel balanced. They help me feel seen. At times when I feel more male but I’m being called Meaghan, I can look forward to the next time I’ll be around friends who call me Ray.

Gender Neutral Alternative

For a while, I searched for either a way to combine Meaghan and Ray into a new name that was gender neutral or find a completely different name that would feel good more consistently than either one. But the more I searched, the more confident I became that these names are who I am. There are two separate parts of me and having two different names makes sense. Sure, navigating how I want to be identified is harder and more confusing for everyone around me but this is who I am. As I spend more time exploring my identity and building confidence, I get better and better at asking people to use the name that feels best at the time and correcting them when they get it wrong, just like with pronouns.

Just because you are trans does not mean you have to change your name. You can keep the one you were born with, use a different one occasionally, or combine two names if that feels best. If you are someone that feels perfectly content with your name even though you are not comfortable with your gender assigned at birth, this does not invalidate your identity or experience. I hope that sharing my experience with my names has helped give you more confidence with yours.

Please leave a comment below with your experience with names. Did you change yours, add a new part to it, or stick with the same one? I’d love to hear from you.

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The Egocentricity of Dysphoria

Having dysphoria can be an all-consuming experience. Especially when it first starts, when you first identify it as dysphoria, or when it shifts. If the dysphoria is stable over a longer period of time, it is somewhat easier to ignore and manage but even then, there are days when it is all-consuming.

Dysphoria causes obsession about little things that no one else would care about. You might brush off their concern or minimize it but this doesn’t give them the validation they need and can result in more obsessing.

Dysphoria can make it difficult to communicate their identity, needs, and wishes to others in a way that will be understood. It is so all-consuming that it makes it difficult to step out of their current experience and see things from another person’s perspective. So they end up using language that other people don’t understand or skipping over basic concepts that others haven’t grasped yet. This leads to more confusion and frustration and leaves them with even less energy and motivation to try to communicate the next time.

Because of the level of obsession on new areas of their body and new behaviours, it can seem like there has been a big change in their personality with the onset of dysphoria. This isn’t necessarily true, it’s just that the dysphoria is taking up all the person’s attention and focus and they aren’t able to express the parts of themself that you are used to seeing or engage in the activities they used to enjoy with as much ease.

The dysphoria induced self-obsession can come across as lack of caring for others or a lack of awareness of others. This is something that should be communicated in a caring and understanding way that acknowledges the impact of dysphoria but looks for ways to help the person cope by focusing their attention outside their body and strengthening supportive relationships.

The onset of dysphoria can seem sudden to those around them. They have been obsessing about it internally for a long time and have a lot of internal pressure built up. Coming out gives them permission to talk about dysphoria and the obsessions that it causes for the first time. This can seem like a sudden onset of dysphoria and a sudden shift to being egocentric to the people around them.

Sometimes, people have a tendency to refer everything back to dysphoria or use dysphoria as an excuse – ‘if you only knew how it felt you wouldn’t say that’ or ‘oh I can’t do that because the dysphoria is so bad’. Dysphoria can be so all-consuming that it can be hard to tell when something else might actually be at fault – burnout from work, relationship stress, financial stress, fatigue from not enough sleep, changes in meds, having a cold, etc. Sometimes it takes an outside view from a supportive person that is close to them to help them differentiate what is dysphoria and what is something else that should be addressed differently.

You might have difficulty getting along with someone who experiences dysphoria because they may be more emotionally volatile or have unknown or shifting triggers. They may have a lack of interest in things they used to enjoy including things you used to do together because of the new focus on ‘solving’ the dysphoria. Try to be understanding and supportive but take care of your own needs and emotional well being too.

TIPS FOR DYSPHORIC PEOPLE

Use self talk to combat the skewed perspective that the hyper awareness creates.
Find activities to do that don’t trigger dysphoria that will help you get out of your head.
Remember that people who do not experience dysphoria will not remember that you do or understand how much it can effect you. Try to be understanding of their ignorance and explain gently. Getting angry with them when they do not automatically realize when you are feeling dysphoric will not help to keep your relationship with them as a source of support.
Make sure to express your appreciation and caring for the supportive people around you.
Find a therapist. Your support people cannot support you and be your therapist. They will get burned out and no longer be able to support you appropriately.
Find concrete ways to manage your dysphoria that require the least amount of time and effort so that you have more time to spend with those you care about.
If your dysphoria shifts, try tracking it to give you a better idea of what causes the shifts and help you predict when it will happen.

TIPS FOR SUPPORTING DYSPHORIC PEOPLE

Build a list of words, activities, and situations that trigger the trans person’s dysphoria so you are more likely to understand when they react negatively at those times.
Understand that getting the dysphoric person to explain their dysphoria to you, especially at times when they are dysphoric, will be hard and often makes their dysphoria worse. Look for other resources to learn what dysphoria can feel like and how to recognize it.
Help the trans person focus on something external that is less likely to trigger dysphoria or encourage them to engage in their self-care activities. They won’t always remember to use self-care strategies at times when they need them the most so external reminders can help.
Find sources of support for yourself other than the dysphoric person – a therapist, friends that might understand, community groups and support such as PFLaG, or online resources.

Living with dysphoria is an ongoing struggle and is different for everyone. Talk to each other, be as open and honest as you can, and find the support you need.

What is your experience of dysphoria or supporting someone with dysphoria? What other tips do you have that I should add to the list?

Let me know in the comments below!

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Gender Presentation and Social Attention

Dressing for Yourself

Sometimes, you know exactly what you want to wear and you go ahead and wear it no matter what other people will think because it makes you feel good. Sometimes, you have to try on five different things before you find something that is comfortable. Sometimes, part of that struggle is the voice in your head warning you what other people will think or say or do if you wear what you want. Sometimes, the only place you get to wear what you want is in your own house. So you do. Sometimes, the need to keep ourselves safe is more important. But sometimes, you get to wear exactly what makes you feel your best and that is an amazing feeling.

Dressing Consistently

No matter how conservative or wild your style, keeping it consistent can help people that you see on a regular basis adjust to a new look or help people that are new in your life get a feel for who you are and what to expect. This is great if your gender is consistent and the clothes that make you feel good are similar day to day. Even if your gender fluctuates somewhat, you can keep your general style consistently somewhere in the middle of where your gender sits and play around with the style of more subtle things like jewelry, socks, undergarments, jackets, belts, shoes, and bags.

Dressing Differently Day to Day

What if your gender switches or fluctuates wildly day to day? In order to keep yourself comfortable and decrease dysphoria while increasing euphoria, you may end up dressing differently day to day. Strangers that you meet at the grocery store or on the bus won’t know the difference. People close to you who understand who you are will use your presentation as a signal of how to refer to you and interact with you in an affirming way. It’s the acquaintances that might be thrown off a bit. The coworkers, extended family, more distant friends, and others that you interact with on a repeating, semi-regular basis but who don’t know you well enough to know the whole story.

Dressing Differently After Transition

It can feel like a shock to those around you if your style changes dramatically after transition. Sometimes, this is what you want. You want to make it clear to people that the new name and pronouns are for real and make it obvious which one you expect them to use. Besides, you haven’t been able to wear what you really wanted to until now and suddenly you can! Sometimes, we can take this to the extreme initially after coming out and eventually back off and find our own, less extreme style.

Sometimes, you can sneak up to this change in style before coming out or slowly adjust your look after transition. A slower shift in style will bring less attention to you which can feel less threatening when you already feel like everyone is talking about you.

Dressing to Blend In

Sometimes we want to look like everyone else in a particular environment. Whether at work or at a baby shower, sometimes drawing less attention to ourselves by wearing something we feel slightly uncomfortable in is easier to deal with than the stares, whispers, comments, and self-consciousness. Sometimes, blending in is self-protective, either emotionally or physically.

Sometimes, being able to blend in as our true gender is all we’ve ever wanted. And that’s okay too. If the style that makes you comfortable is also one that blends in, that’s the best of both worlds. As long as it doesn’t feel like you have lost a part of your identity and visibility that you didn’t want to give up.

Dressing to Stand Out

Sometimes, we want the attention that dressing flamboyantly or differently will bring. We want people to see us for who we are. We want to showcase the parts of our identity that people tend to ignore to make themselves more comfortable. Sometimes, we don’t want people to feel comfortable. We want to shake things up, make a statement, be seen. This can be as simple as wearing nail polish and dangling earrings with your typical masculine business casual outfit to work or as dramatic as a sequined one-piece suit, brilliant makeup, a tutu, and four inch platform heels to the grocery store.

What types of attention have you gotten for dressing differently? How did your look change after transition? Do you usually dress for yourself or for a specific effect on others? Do you dress to blend in or stand out? Leave a comment or a picture of your favourite look below!

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Pregnancy Fears, Hopes, and Strategies

Being pregnant is a huge undertaking for your body. It makes permanent changes to lots of areas, includes lots of discomfort and unpleasant experiences, and involves a decent amount of risk. It changes how you are viewed by society and how strangers interact with you. And it is (or can be) the first step in one of the biggest changes anyone can make in life – becoming a parent.

So of course I have all the typical fears:

How will my body change?
Risk of miscarriage (Ha! That already happened once)
Huge life change
Adverse symptoms for nine months such as nausea, fatigue, and joint pain
Birth trauma
Postpartum depression and isolation

Pregnancy is also one of the most feminizing experiences a person can have. So, as a nonbinary person, I also have gender related fears:

Will my sense of where my gender is on the spectrum shift in unpredictable ways due to hormones?
Will my social dysphoria increase to unbearable levels due to the quintessential feminization of my body?
Will my physical dysphoria increase due to my chest getting bigger and my pregnant belly?
Will I struggle to find clothes that fit me that are not hyper-feminine like typical maternity clothes are?

But on the other side of my fears is what I hope for:

My gender identity will shift to the more feminine side of my range like it does during my period and result in minimal dysphoria with pregnancy changes
I will have fewer physical discomfort symptoms than I am expecting
Many of my current clothes will fit throughout pregnancy since I prefer looser clothes to begin with (though they will end up being more fitted as I get bigger)

Now that I have actually been pregnant once, for a short time, and only in the first trimester phase before the hyperfeminization of my body happened, some of these fears and hopes have shifted. I now know, or am more confident that my gender will shift to the female side for some or all of my pregnancy. Hopefully this will help with the social and physical dysphoria.

But this caused another area of discomfort: feeling like I was missing half of who I was. And after I had a miscarriage, my gender swung back to the male side with a resurgence of dysphoria that I was now unaccustomed to. You can read more about that in Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Gender. So I can now add ‘postpartum dysphoria’ to my list of fears.

Here are some strategies I’ve come up with to help me through this process:

Look for alternative maternity clothing stores or just buy larger sized clothing from cheaper places
Come out to as many people as I am comfortable with so that I have lots of options of people to hang out with in a gender affirming environment to combat social dysphoria and invisibility/inauthenticity
Focus on the personal, wondrous, internal feeling of growing a life inside me
Be kind to myself post partum while I’m learning how to deal with dysphoria again and review my personal journals and previous blog posts about how I deal with it

If you have a similar identity to mine, I hope that sharing my thoughts and experiences with pregnancy will help you feel more comfortable in your skin or at least not so alone during this experience. If you have someone in your life who is pregnant, maybe this will help you understand that not everyone who looks pregnant identifies as female and what that might feel like.

Do you have any stories of your own or strategies that got you through pregnancy with dysphoria?

Do you have any questions or specific aspects of this experience that you are looking forward to hearing more about?

Leave a comment below! I’d love to hear from you.

Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Gender

IT WORKED!

We were pregnant! If you missed the story of how we got here, check out Getting Pregnant is Hard to do Without Sperm.

The first thing we felt was excitement. The second was anxiety. Not because suddenly such a big thing was happening, but because we had spent so long stopping ourselves from being excited in order to avoid the pain of disappointment that any excitement we felt triggered anxiety. This reaction slowly wore off and we allowed ourselves to be happy and excited but the more excited we got the more we wanted to share the news. Suddenly, we had a secret again.

I knew I was pregnant before we got the results. I know that’s a cliche but it’s true. My breasts were so sore that I couldn’t touch them, days in advance of when I normally have PMS symptoms. I was fatigued to the point of being in a daze. These symptoms continued and were joined by mild to moderate intermittent nausea. All the typical symptoms but nothing extreme. If you know me at all, you know I can’t keep anything to myself. Especially if it involves distress. I much prefer to complain – I mean, commiserate – about it with others. Luckily, a couple people at work were in their second trimester and gave me a small community for support with this new adventure.

GENDER WHILE PREGNANT

If you’ve read other posts on this blog, you may already know that I am gender fluid, shifting between moderately female and mildly male with the majority of time spent in the neutral space between. But, as I talk about in Menstruation and Gender, I consistently shift towards the female side during my period. The same thing happened when I was pregnant. Except that I wasn’t just pregnant for a few days, like when I’m on my period. So I shifted to female and stayed female for two and a half months.

After about three weeks of being consistently female I started to feel like the male part of myself, Ray, was imagined, a dream, a ghost. I was missing half of myself, unable to experience my full range of gender that I had only just recently struggled to understand and accept. This was a symptom of being pregnant that I couldn’t so easily explain to or commiserate about with others.

EARLY ULTRASOUNDS

Because we were followed by the fertility clinic, we were scheduled for early trans-vaginal ultrasounds. The first one was when I was 7 weeks pregnant. The image on the screen showed a slightly small gestational sack in my uterus but no yolk sack or fetal pole. This was mildly concerning but not conclusive since it was still early and the gestational sack was small. We went back the next week for another one. It showed the same result which was significantly more conclusive of a blighted ovum. With some googling, I learned that this happens when the egg that was fertilized happened to grow without any genetic material inside it. An ’empty egg’.

So, I had to come to terms with the fact that at some point in the next few weeks, when my body figured out something was wrong, I was going to have a miscarriage. I was waiting, and dreading, but not yet able to grief or process because if I did, I would be grieving until it happened, which could be days or weeks or a month. But I had to go to work as usual, travel to visit my family, and stand with my friend in her wedding. So instead, I became emotionally constipated, numb, and burnt out.

While visiting family, I had some spotting and cramping but then it stopped again. When we returned home, we had a final ultrasound that showed the same result and gave an official diagnosis of a non-viable pregnancy. This triggered a referral to the early pregnancy loss clinic. They called me four hours later and reviewed my options. I could let the miscarriage happen naturally (which my body didn’t seem to want to do), take a medication that would induce severe enough cramping to force my body to miscarry (sounds terrifying), or have a procedure (Dilation and Curettage or D&C) where they put me to sleep, dilate my cervix, go in, and scoop everything out. If the first two options didn’t expel everything I may end up needing the D&C anyway. Since I had known this was coming for what felt like an eternity already, I work in a hospital so medical stuff doesn’t bother me, and I had had a polyp removal six months prior via the same procedure, I opted for the D&C. It was scheduled for three days later.

RECOVERING FROM MISCARRIAGE

Both the physical recovery and the emotional recovery took longer than I expected, despite warnings from everyone I talked to who had also had a miscarriage (it is surprisingly common given how little it’s talked about). Physically, I had a few days of mild cramping and fatigue. When these initial symptoms faded out I felt like I was better and returned to work only to find that more than half an hour of being on my feet (I have a fairly active job) caused waves of moderate to severe fatigue, shakiness, dizziness, and hot and cold flashes. My body was in hormonal shock.

The most frustrating part physically was that knowing why it was happening and trying to connect with my body to calm it down did absolutely nothing to help. It felt like my body’s operating system had crashed and was taking forever to reboot. So I started doing really slow, gentle, breathing pace exercises. Anything from dynamic stretching to Qi Gong. Almost instantly, my mind-body connection began to repair itself. It was such a dramatic improvement at a time that I needed it most that I have kept up with these exercises ever since.

Emotionally, I expected to be a wreck as soon as the procedure was done and maybe the day after. But because I had not allowed myself to feel the grief for three weeks I was in an emotional holding pattern. I thought that maybe I had been processing my emotions this whole time and I didn’t need to have a strong, overt reaction. But the exhaustion after the second day back at work meant that I didn’t even have enough energy to hold my emotions back and once I got home I broke down and had a couple hours of intense crying and grieving with my lovely husband for support.

Overall it took just over a month for me to feel like I was back to my normal self.

GENDER WITH MISCARRIAGE

Going through the procedure itself and being in a ‘Women’s Hospital’ didn’t feel dysphoric since I was still feeling very female at the time. A week or so after miscarriage, my gender started shifting slowly back to the middle, then to the male side. And there it stayed for almost three weeks. This felt both good and bad. Good, because I was finally able to experience the other half of myself that had been missing for the last two and a half months. Bad, because all of a sudden I had dysphoria again. And I was out of practice with how to deal with it. While still being very emotionally raw.

Initially, it was very distracting and a constant irritation that sucked up a lot of mental and emotional energy. But I slowly remembered the strategies I had been using before and became acclimatized to the discomfort of dysphoria and it faded to a background buzz.

TALKING ABOUT MISCARRIAGE

Over the last few years both myself and my husband have been through some pretty major experiences that all have different levels of taboo and layperson knowledge/understanding. When I talk about our fertility struggles, very few people have negative reactions to discussing that and it doesn’t feel threatening for me to open up about it and though most people don’t know the variety of options, they have a general understanding that there are medical options and often know someone who has used them. When I talk about gender identity or transitioning, I don’t always know what reaction the other person will have and often have to deal with a negative or ignorant response. Most people have little to no understanding of nonbinary gender identities or the transitioning process to the point that they can’t even relate to whatever it is I’m telling them about unless I explicitly state what emotions are tied to this experience.

When talking about miscarriage, everyone instantly understands that that would be a difficult thing to go through, understands what emotional response is appropriate, and provides support. And yet, it’s still something that isn’t often discussed openly. I’m guessing this is partly because historically, it was viewed as the fault of the woman that it happened and was shameful. But nowadays, I think we’re mostly past that (based on the reactions I get when I talk about it) so I’m guessing it’s not discussed simply because it’s an emotionally difficult thing to talk about and considered a very private experience. I’d like to change the culture of silence around miscarriage and normalize talking about it and then eventually, normalize the idea that people of any gender identity could have a miscarriage.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES!

At this point, we are still trying to get pregnant. There are a few more options we are willing to try and since the last one worked, I feel like it is likely to work again. But we have also discussed what our limit is in terms of how long we want to try for and how much money we are willing to put towards it. We are not tied to the idea of the child being genetically related to us (seeing as how it won’t be genetically related to Jake anyway) and open to considering adoption if we reach our personal fertility limit.

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Have you had pregnancy struggled or miscarriage? For those of you who are trans/non-binary, how did pregnancy and/or miscarriage affect your gender? Please leave a comment below. I’d love to hear your experiences.

Getting Pregnant is Hard To Do Without Sperm

When Jake and I first met we were unsure if we wanted kids. Once our lives stabilized it seemed a lot more feasible. Around the same time we spent some time with a couple small babies and had our parental instincts kick into high gear. Since both of us had a uterus and ovaries we had a choice of who would carry. Jake was more worried about being able to bond with the kid and I was more worried about the physical process of pregnancy so initially he was going to carry (this was pre-transition for him). This decision came with the caveats that if for some reason he couldn’t conceive or if gender ever became a question and he was no longer comfortable with it, I would carry.

Since neither of us produce sperm, our options were sperm banks, fertility clinics, or known donor. We were both less comfortable with the known donor path and there was a two year wait for our local fertility clinic. So the best option for us was to start with a home insemination program run by a sperm bank. We started saving money as each attempt through this program would cost between $1,500 and $2,000. When Jake’s gender questioning led him down the path of transitioning and he started to come out, we figured that was enough emotional stress on its own so we put the baby making on hold.

A year and a bit later, things had calmed down and we were ready to start trying. We started with home insemination from the sperm bank in Toronto. We signed up for the program, had a consult, and got blood tests done. We went through the online catalog and each month on day 1 of my cycle we would send in our top three choices to the sperm bank. On day 11 a 2.5 foot tall box would arrive which contained a large cryo container and a tiny vile of frozen sperm. It also contained specific instructions on how to thaw it and inject it. I tested for ovulation (LH surge) each morning and when it was positive we carried out the instructions. Then the dreaded two week wait (that anyone who has struggled to get pregnant will understand) began.

After four cycles and no success we decided to save the rest of the money we had put aside for future options. We quietly asked a few friends and family members if they would be interested in being a donor for us and ended up trying twice with two different donors (four more cycles). This involved a lot more social engagement and logistical planning but ultimately followed the same pattern of make plans, test for ovulation, do the thing, wait two weeks. Again, no success. We decided it was medical intervention time.

We went to our family doc to request a referral to the fertility clinic. Since we had only technically completed 8 tries (equivalent to 8 months of TTC – trying to conceive), he was reluctant since the typically referral criteria require 12 months of TTC. So instead, I got a referral to a women’s clinic where they ordered more specific blood work and other tests to make sre there was nothing structurally wrong. When this all came back normal, that doctor finally referred us to the fertility clinic.

The two fertility clinics in our city (one public and one private) had recently amalgamated which cut the wait time from 2 years to 6 months. When we finally got our appointment there was more blood work and tests. They started me on a low dose of Synthroid to get my thyroid levels from low normal to high normal. On the scan of my uterus they found a fairly large polyp that they decided should be removed prior to any insemination attempts so I was on a waitlist for that for another four months (which turned out to be 7 months). I had very little warning when my surgery date came up so, suddenly, I was having surgery (which went totally smoothly) and then we were told we could try on the next cycle.

Except with all the waiting I had slacked off and hadn’t gotten the mandatory counselling session booked, a requirement before ordering sperm. Within a week we had that done (a stupid, expensive hurdle that I could rant for a paragraph about but I will spare you), we ordered sperm (a fairly straightforward process since we had done it before), Jake got his final blood work done, I had my surgery follow up, and we were ready to try!

We decided that we would start with IUI (intra-uterine insemination) with a natural cycle (ovulation is not enhanced or induced with drugs) since I don’t have PCOS or endometriosis or other conditions that interfere with the menstruation and ovulation cycle. Again, I peed on sticks to detect ovulation, we phoned the clinic early in the morning when I got a positive result, and went in a few hours later. We received a mini report of the quality of the sperm and how well it had woken up from cryo. The insemination was completed by a nurse and off we went.

The two week wait was even worse than last time. Unfortunately our first attempt didn’t work. The month after we were out of town during my ovulation dates so we gave ourselves the month off to regain our emotional stability and tried again the month after. Somehow, this time felt different. A week after insemination my breasts became very sore and I had a few sharp pains in my uterus area. Since we were doing a blood test for pregnancy (HCG) two weeks after insemination we didn’t bother peeing on a stick. This time, the result came back positive. We were pregnant!!!

Read the next part of our journey in Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Gender (coming soon).

If you relate to any part of the story above or have any questions, leave a comment below and I will respond!

Menstruation and Gender

Having a menstrual cycle is treated as a very female experience. It is seen as the transition from being a girl to being a woman. It is treated as a symbol of fertility and future motherhood. So it is understandable that people who menstruate but who do not identify as women would struggle a lot with this time of the month.

Menstruation is a huge trigger for dysphoria in a lot of people. For people that menstruate who don’t identify as women, they are going through PMS mood swings and the physical pain of cramps and the inescapable bleeding all while combating feelings that this invalidates their gender identity, that their body is doing things that feel wrong, and that no one would understand how this feels if they ever had the courage to talk about it.

Then there are the women who have never menstruated and never will. They hear other women complaining about their symptoms, having to take birth control pills, or see it represented in media (on the rare occasion). Not having a period and not being able to relate to the experience of having a menstrual cycle can feel invalidating of their identity as a woman.

There are many reasons why a woman may not have a menstrual cycle. And it’s not only women that can menstruate. We need to start separating the things our bodies do and the way our bodies look from gender. Menstruation is something that some bodies do. It does not belong solely to women and it is not necessary in order to be a woman.

Menstruation is something that some bodies do. It does not belong solely to women and it is not necessary in order to be a woman.

I am an AFAB, non-binary, genderfluid person. When it comes to my period, I am one of the lucky ones. Almost every menstrual cycle, my gender shifts in the female direction with the beginning of my period and has a corresponding shift in the male direction as my period ends. This means I have very little dysphoria when it comes to my period. Sure, I still have the fatigue and cramps and grossness but I feel more female than male at the time so it feels in line with my gender. Usually these shifts in my gender are gradual over the course of a couple days but when they happen in the span of a few hours it makes me feel very cranky, out of sorts, and often dysphoric. Maybe this pattern is hormonal, maybe its societal. All I know is that it’s consistent and very helpful.

I figured out this pattern by tracking my gender for a couple months which I describe here. Knowing this pattern has helped me significantly when managing dysphoria. I know to watch for the shift in my gender around the time when my period is supposed to start and then again as it’s ending which allows me to adapt my presentation and dysphoria management strategies more easily.

Not everyone with a fluid gender will have predictable fluctuations in their gender like I do and not everyone will have fluctuations based on a menstrual cycle. My gender fluctuates in less predictable ways during the middle of my cycle.

Regardless of whether someone’s gender fluctuates or not, they do not need to be a woman to menstruate and they do no need to menstruate to be a woman.

What influences your experience of your gender? Do you experience dysphoria related to having or not having a menstrual cycle? Leave a comment below with your experiences!