What I Knew at the Beginning
- I have both male and female gender
- I am more comfortable presenting gender neutral, tomboy, or androgynous
- I’m pretty sure I experience dysphoria but I’m not sure what triggers it or what to do about it
- Having my husband transition has given me the language and permission to explore my identity and has increased my discomfort at being perceived more feminine due to heteronormativity
Fears I Had
- My dysphoria/discomfort would increase the more I focused on it.
- I would discover that to be truly happy/whole I would need to use neutral pronouns and name and society wouldn’t be able to accommodate that.
- That I would end up less comfortable than I was before starting this process.
- That if I get to the point where I have to explain being non-binary to my family they would not understand.
- That I would have to change jobs in order to feel comfortable.
Goals of Self Discovery
- Identify how much my gender fluctuates.
- Identify specific triggers of dysphoria and develop strategies to manage it on a daily basis.
- Improve resilience, reduce fatigue, and generate a sense of wholeness.
- Find ways to communicate my identity to others.
6 MONTHS LATER…
What I Know Now
- I fluctuate between 50% female to 25% male (0 being equal amounts of each).
- I have a significant amount of social dysphoria that is primarily triggered by female labels (ma’am, ladies, girl) and to a lesser extent by female pronouns (she/her).
- I have a minimal to moderate amount of physical dysphoria, primarily related to chest and voice.
- I am most comfortable when referred to using they/them pronouns and using the name Meaghan Ray (or having equal amount of time being identified as Ray as Meaghan).
Did My Fears Come True?
- Yes, some days it feels like my dysphoria does get worse the more I focus on it. But the truth is, it is there regardless and I can either ignore it and have a vague sense of discomfort, frustration, irritability, fatigue, and lack of focus, or I can identify it for what it is, thus increasing my awareness of it but also improving my ability to address it or cope with it.
- Yes, in order to live my best life I would prefer neutral pronouns 100% of the time and no, I don’t believe society (or at least my specific workplace) can accommodate that. But I also discovered that I am decently comfortable with female pronouns most days. It’s the other gendered terms that affect me more and that is something I might be able to address in the future.
- No, I am definitely more comfortable now than I was before. I have significantly fewer symptoms of burnout and a ton more strategies to deal with bad dysphoria days.
- I haven’t gotten to the point of coming out to my family. I have broached the subject in relation to correcting their assumptions about the binary and explaining a friend’s experience but have not discussed my own identity yet. I’m sure I will write a post about it when I do.
- Changing jobs may or may not increase my comfort level. But I have become significantly more comfortable without changing jobs so I take that as a win.
Did I Achieve My Goals?
- Yes, I very clearly identified how much my gender fluctuates using a chart I created which you can read about here.
- Yes. Read about my physical and social dysphoria triggers and my strategies for coping here. One important step was cutting my hair short. Read about my exploration of my gender expression here.
- Yes, I have noticed a significant improvement in my resilience and fatigue levels and I’m hoping that these and my sense of wholeness will continue to improve as I come out to more people.
- Yes, I have some ways to communicate my identity to others though I am still working on this one.
Still Working On…
- Coming out to people slowly, including my family
- Introducing myself as Meaghan Ray or just Ray in queer spaces
- Managing the physical discomfort that comes from wearing a binder so I can wear it as often as I feel the need to
Looking Ahead
- Fears about dysphoria during pregnancy and early motherhood and how to manage it (I’m not pregnant yet but hope to be in the near future)
- Being a non-binary parent
What have you learned about yourself in the last 6 months? What fears did you have before starting your own gender exploration process? How has your understanding of your own gender changed since you started to explore it more consciously? Leave a comment below and tell me your story!
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