Back in 2008, a few years after my initial gender questioning experience but many years before I actually figured out my gender or heard the term ‘nonbinary’, I wrote a poem for an LGBT publication at my university. I was going through boxes of notebooks and found the one I had written it in. Reading through it, I found it incredible how accurate it still feels. I don’t even think it was chosen for the publication but it means a whole lot to me so I thought I’d publish it here.
Both
Neither boy nor girl. Not neither, both. Sometimes one more than the other, But always both. Gender is fluid, always changes. It's not black and white, not static, not for me. Gender fluidity. It's not visible like race. It's who I am and part of all I do. The way I walk, the way I talk, the way I punch your shoulder. The clothes I wear defy gender, do not conform, instead show who I am. And the way I sit - have you not noticed? Of course not. I use the women's washroom (every time glancing at the men's sign). I check the 'female' box on forms (wishing it didn't matter). It's in the language: Masculine, feminine, he, she, him, her. It's defined, as it should be, as it needs to be, for society. But not for me. I'm not butch, that's just an image. Don't call me a tomboy, that's just a name. I don't need a category, I don't want a label. I'm me and will forever be neither boy nor girl. Not neither, both. Always both.
There are some parts of this that I’ve changed my perspective on or have a deeper understanding of. I now understand that race can be as invisible as gender, just as difficult to navigate as gender, and is absolutely as inherent to someone’s identity as their gender. I also do appreciate labels as a way to communicate who I am in a variety of ways depending on who I’m talking to and what the situation is. But the labels typically given to me by society feel just as wrong or irritating now as they did when I wrote this poem.
Even without accurate language to describe it, much understanding of it, or much experience exploring my own gender, I was still able to communicate the emotional experience of living as a nonbinary person in a binary-gendered society.
If you’re stuck on a strong emotion and keep going around in circles no matter who you talk to or what advice you hear, try writing it down as a poem. I have relied on this as a tool of expression, communication, and self-discovery many times over the years all the way from elementary school into adulthood. Even if you’re not the poetry type, or don’t think you’re good with words, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t have to be eloquent. If you start from a place of strong emotion and use words that represent that emotion and the experience that triggered it or what it feels like to sit with it, you may be surprised how powerful your words can be.
Give it a try and, if you’d like to share, post your poem in the comments or send it to me in an email. I’d love to read it.
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- Passing vs Presenting vs Assumed
- The Power of a Nonbinary Perspective
- Passing as Nonbinary
- It’s All About Bathrooms
- Lost and Found in Transition
- Why Labels Matter