We always say that if you don’t know someone’s gender or pronouns, just ask. But how do you do that in a respectful way? As a stranger, we can use they/them pronouns and avoid gendered language for everyone we meet until they specify. But what if this is a new colleague or a friend of a friend? Or what if your partner or child just told you they are questioning their gender?
The closer you are to someone, the more impact your questions are going to have. You can ask questions to find out the basic information such as how they identify and what pronouns and name to use. Or you can ask deeper questions to get a better understanding of what their identity means to them, how they picture themself, and what their experience of gender is day to day. These deeper questions can help you form a more accurate mental image of the person as they see themself so that you are more likely to gender them correctly. They can also help the other person sort out some of their confusion around their gender (if need be).
THE BASICS
When asking questions about gender (or any other sensitive topic), I follow the principle of not asking any question I wouldn’t also be willing to answer. I also use the caveat that they never have to answer a question I ask, though I do appreciate knowing why they don’t want to answer so I avoid asking other questions that they don’t want to answer.
If you are ever uncomfortable about asking something, it’s a good bet the other person will have some discomfort in answering as well. Be honest about your discomfort but don’t let that stop you. Be aware of your surroundings and choose a place where both of you feel the most safe (likely a private space).
If you’re not sure how to phrase a question or what language to use, be honest about that too. Try to avoid saying ‘I don’t mean any disrespect, but…’. Instead, use a phrase like ‘I’m not sure how to word this question. Is it okay if I ask it anyway and you can tell me how I’m supposed to say it?’ Usually, there is a reason why a certain question is inappropriate. Either the word you chose is seen as offensive, how you used it was incorrect, or the subject matter isn’t appropriate to ask about. It is helpful if you can find out why the question was wrong so you avoid making the same mistake with other questions or in other circumstances.
Asking about basic information such as gender identity, pronouns, or name is pretty straightforward. Offer yours first, then ask. ‘Hi, I’m Wendy. I’m a cis woman and I use she/her pronouns. How do you identify and what pronouns do you use?’ Keep in mind that knowing how someone identifies isn’t usually necessary. Pronouns and name are enough to interact with them respectfully.
Always question yourself about why you want to know the information and what purpose it will serve for you. If you’re just curious, generally you should refrain from asking unless you have a close relationship with that person and you’re in a private space. But, if you feel that you do need to know more information, you’re going to need to know what questions to ask.
DEEPER QUESTIONS
As I said above, you can ask these more intense, specific, personal, and invasive questions to learn more about someone’s gender for your own understanding or to help them figure out their own gender. I have grouped these questions into categories to make it easier to follow. These are just examples – feel free to pick and choose from each list as needed rather than using every question. This list is by no means exhaustive.
Gender Identity
- How do you identify with regards to gender at the moment?
- Has your gender identity changed over time?
- What labels do you use for your gender and how do you define them?
- Does your gender always feel the same or does it fluctuate?
- Does your gender influence your sexual orientation in any way?
- Are you comfortable with your gender identity or is it a source of frustration?
- Are you confident in your gender identity or do you still have some confusion?
Language
- What pronouns feel best for you?
- Do you always prefer those pronouns?
- What name do you want me to use?
- What other language feels best for you (guys, ladies, girl, ma’am, sir, bro, dude, etc)?
- What familial terms feel best for you (sister/brother/sibling, son/daughter/child/offspring etc)?
- Is there any way I can help you test out various names/pronouns/language?
Body Dysphoria and Euphoria
- Are there parts of your body that feel wrong or bring discomfort?
- Are there parts of your body that feel good?
- How do you picture your body should look?
- Do you do anything to make your body feel more authentic for yourself?
- Do you do anything to modify how your body appears to others?
- Are there specific ways you would like me to refer to or interact with certain parts of your body?
- Is there any way I can help you test out various presentations?
Medical Transition
- Are you planning to/have you already started hormones?
- How do you feel about the idea of/changes from taking hormones?
- Are there any challenges you are facing with accessing hormones?
- Are you planning to/have you already have any gender affirming procedures/surgeries?
- How do you feel about the idea of/changes from [procedure/surgery]?
- Are there any challenges you are facing with getting [procedure/surgery] done?
- Have you ever encountered transphobia in a medical setting?
- Is there anything I can do to support you with accessing basic or trans-specific medical care?
Legal Transition
- Are you planning to/have you already changed your legal name?
- Are you planning to/have you already changed your gender marker?
- What documents have you changed so far?
- What institutions have you informed of this change?
- What documents/institutions do you still need to change/inform?
- Is there any way I can help you with making these changes or support you during this process?
- If we are in a situation where I need to disclose your legal name/gender, what would you like me to say? (hospital, banking, insurance, police, etc)
Practical Concerns
- Who are you out to?
- How would you like me to refer to you around people you are out to?
- How would you like me to refer to you around people you are not out to but who know you and who you also interact with?
- How would you like me to refer to you around people you are not out to but who you have no interaction with?
- Have you encountered any transphobia?
- Is there anything I can do to provide support?
- Is there anything I have been doing or saying that is uncomfortable? What would you like me to do/say instead?
I hope this list of suggested questions helps guide your discussions of gender with anyone you interact with. Remember to think about how you would answer these questions before asking them of someone else. These questions are designed to guide a discussion that would be a follow up to the basic learning I talked about in How to Be a Trans Ally so don’t forget to start there.
Let me know how your discussions about gender are going! Or, let me know if you have other questions that you have found helpful in your discussions and I will add them to the list above. Leave a comment on this post or send me an email! Looking forward to hearing from you.
RELATED POSTS
- How to Be a Trans Ally
- Being Supportive Without Self-Sacrifice
- How to be Respectful Towards a Trans Person
- Interpersonal Dysphoria
- Talking About Your Gender Identity: When, Why, and How
- Misgendering is More Than Name and Pronouns
- The Egocentricity of Dysphoria
- What’s in a Name and How to Pick One
- Why Labels Matter
- Help! My Partner Just Told Me They’re Trans!