Month: November 2019

November 20: Trans Day of Remembrance

Trans Day of Remembrance is held on November 20th every year. It is a day to remember all the people locally, nationally, and internationally who have been killed by transphobic violence in the past year. The vast majority of people killed are trans women of colour. Memorial services are held where the names are read off and a moment of silence is observed for each.

Trans Day of Remembrance is a hard day for me even though I have not personally known anyone who has been murdered due to transphobic violence. I am extremely lucky to live in a place that is not represented on the table below. No murders of trans people were reported in my city, province, or country in the last year. It is hard because it still happens in many places around the world and may very well have occurred closer to home but have gone unreported. The majority of my fears for my husband during his transition, and for myself, stem from this type of violence.

My heart is heavy on November 20th and a few days before and after. I have attended a memorial service in the past but it is too hard for me to do that these days. I try to spend some time with trans people or good, aware allies on November 20th. And especially, I try to spend time with my husband.

I have lots of community on social media but, while it’s nice to see that other people have similar feelings around this day, the support from a distance that social media provides doesn’t help ease the heaviness or fear. For that I would need support in person.

Most people in my life do not know that Trans Day of Remembrance is observed and don’t understand why it is necessary. If I mention it in an effort to explain why I’m having a difficult week I often have to go into an explanation of why it is important and why it affects me so strongly. By that point I have expended the minimal energy I had, made myself feel more vulnerable than I already did, and brought all the fear and sadness to the forefront.

While it is important to me to spread the word and educate people on the very real danger that trans people face, this does not help me get the support that would be helpful. I am lucky that I had one person at work who, when I walked in on Nov 20th, gave her a hug and said ‘November 20th is always a hard day’, understood immediately and offered to spend lunch together. That was huge.

To anyone who considers themself a trans ally: make note of November 20th on your calendar. Read about Trans Day of Remembrance. Attend a memorial service in your area. If you have someone in your life who is trans or is closely connected to a trans person, give them a hug and express your support, protection, and love on that day or the days around it. The huge impact of these small acts cannot be overstated.

Please take a look at the summary table below.

Oct 2018 to Sept 2019 Summary of Murders of Trans and Gender Diverse People Internationally (331)Download

Here are a few links to other articles and websites.

https://transrespect.org/en/tmm-update-trans-day-of-remembrance-2019/
http://www.westcoastleaf.org/2019/11/20/trans-day-of-remembrance-2019/

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2019/11/20/transgender-day-remembrance-muhlaysia-booker-cathalina-christina-james-equality/4005866002/

https://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/transgender-day-remembrance-least-22-trans-people-killed-2019-n1086521

https://tdor.tgeu.org/

Getting Through the Dark Months

Growing up I never really noticed mood effects from the winter. The shortest days were still at least 10 hours of sunlight. Then I moved north and now the days get shorter much earlier and the shortest days are only 7 hours of sunlight. It’s amazing what those extra 3 hours can do.

In the last few years I’ve noticed my mood, motivation, and energy level dropping around mid October. By November, if I haven’t consciously started working to counteract these effects, I am starting struggle at work and lose interest in the projects and goals that I set for myself.

The first year I noticed this was the year after Jake started transitioning. He was doing better, the family had come around, and I was burnt out from the ongoing stress and emotionally charged conversations that I had with family, coworkers, or friends almost daily. So when fall started getting darker, I had a very steep downhill slide.

In the years since, I have gotten better and better at dealing with this time of year. Here are some of my strategies:

GENERAL

  • Get as much sunlight as possible. I know, easier said than done but this means sitting next to a window during breaks at work, opening the blinds during the day if I’m home, or going for walks at lunch.
  • Use a full spectrum light.
  • Take Vitamin D.
  • Keep up with your house chores. Having a clean environment will support all the other strategies.

MOOD AND RESILIENCE

  • Get lots of sleep. Or, if you’re the type of person that can’t get themselves to stop sleeping during this time of year, keep a regular sleep routine.
  • Listen to music.
  • Quality social time. For me this is hanging out with a friend or a small group over coffee, a meal, or board games.
    • As an introvert, this one has taken me the longest to figure out. I have to make sure it’s not in a really crowded or noisy environment and that I don’t do this too many days in a row but staying at home alone in the evening or all day on the weekend for more than one day starts to have a negative effect that is much stronger during the dark months.
  • Stay connected with support groups or therapy if needed. Diversify your support so that you have many different times and places you can get support throughout the month.
    • I have a number of different groups I am involved in or helped create that run as specific times each month. It works out that I have two things on the first and third weeks, two things on the second week, and one thing on the fourth week of each month. This gives me a variety of types of support I can engage with so that I can always look forward to something that is less than a week away. It also means that if I don’t feel up to it, I can skip one of these groups without losing the one source or support I get each month.

MOTIVATION

  • Break up large projects into even smaller goals than usual.
  • Get rewards for goals that are achieved.
  • Focus on one project at a time. Pick which one will be the focus on a particular day and stick with that. By the end of a week, I’ll have worked on each project at least once.
  • Listen to podcasts that relate to your projects.
  • Work on your projects around other people (if possible). For me this means taking my laptop and writing at a cafe or taking my current crafting project over to a family member or friend’s house to visit while I work on it.

ENERGY LEVEL

  • Exercise!! My body goes into hibernation mode when it’s cold out and I want to curl up in a ball with a cup of something warm and watch TV. But the more I let that happen, the lower my energy level is and the less I feel like I can get through my day and get everything done that I want to do.
    • I look at the week in three chunks: I have to exercise once on Monday or Tuesday, once on Wednesday or Thursday, and twice between Friday and Sunday. This is way easier and more likely to work for me than saying I need to exercise 4 times this week.

This is a pretty exhaustive list of what I am currently doing. I use a bullet journal to keep myself organized and objectively track my progress on projects, my mood, and my habits such as sleep, exercise, and social time. Having an objective tracking system is particularly important for me during these months when the default setting feels like it is hopelessness, despair, loneliness, irritability, and negativity.

I hope this helps you stay positive, productive, and light over the next few months. We are all in this together. Please leave a comment with your own strategies! I’d love to hear what helps you – maybe it will work for me too!

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Being Supportive Without Self-Sacrifice

Finding a balance between being a good support for the trans person in your life and your own mental health is extremely difficult. When do you follow their lead and put your own reservations and grief aside and when do you ask them to slow down to give you time to process the changes?

The most important thing to take into account is safety – both psychological and physical. In general, the trans person will experience the highest risk in both these areas. They may withdraw as a result – whether the risk to their safety is actual or perceived. But if they are maintaining a relationship with you and you are able to be a source of support, you also have to be aware of your own safety and the toll that being that support takes on you.

So if the trans person in your life wants to take the next step in transition (coming out, changing legal documents, taking hormones or blockers, surgery, etc) and you don’t feel ready, think about the risk to both yourself and them.

  • Will asking them to wait put them at higher risk either physically or psychologically or make them pull away from you?
    • Eg: They are ready to come out to the rest of the family but you aren’t sure how to have those conversations with everyone. They may avoid family gatherings as a result and you won’t get any better at having those conversations without practice.
    • Eg: They are out to everyone and want to start taking hormones but you are scared of what the changes will be.
  • Would you be asking them to wait for a specific length of time or ‘until you feel ready’?
    • If there is a specific reason or time frame, this might be acceptable as long as you explain your reasoning to the trans person in your life and they agree.
  • Are you actively working on learning about, processing, and grieving the changes that are happening by talking to your own supports (friends and therapist)?
    • If not, you have no right to ask the trans person to wait until you are ready.
    • If you are, but feel you still need more time, try to be as open and honest about why and what you think that extra time will provide you.
  • Is there a compromise that would minimize the risk to their safety but also allow you to continue processing at your own pace?
    • Eg: The trans person asking you to take all the pre-transition photos down makes you feel like they are robbing you of those memories. Instead of packing them away in a box, put them up in a room where the trans person won’t typically see them or make a photo album of them that you can flip though whenever you need to.
    • Eg: Starting your trans child on hormone blockers to delay puberty rather than withholding medical intervention until they are older because you don’t feel ready.

Every situation that feels hard for you to adapt to will be different in terms of how much risk each option poses to the trans person and yourself and whether there is an appropriate compromise. Finding a solution that protects and supports them while allowing you as much space as you can get takes lots of open communication. If the trans person in your life is not communicating with you, all you can do is talk to other trans people, get their opinions or suggestions and make your best guess. Support them whenever they do communicate with you and take care of yourself in other ways (talking to others, keeping pictures for yourself, keeping a journal, etc.)

If there is no option that reduces the risk for both of you you may need to step away for your safety or theirs and that’s okay. Try to be honest with the trans person in your life so they understand where you are coming from. If possible, help them connect with other resources that can provide some of the support that you can no longer offer.

Some vague thing in the future that may or may not be difficult for you is not a good reason to hold someone else back when they are struggling. In this case, you are letting fear stop you from being a good support. We can only process and grieve things that have already happened. And you may find that you don’t actually need to grieve as much as you anticipate. You may discover lots of things that you can celebrate that you didn’t know would happen.

Before change happens, all we have is fear. After it happens, we can see how much happier the person is, how much more confident, and that helps offset the pain and grief. It makes it worth the struggle. So try to find a way to be a good support that allows you to continue to participate in the process and be present. If you ignore your own process and grief, you will not be able to continue to be a good support for very long.

What parts of the transition process did you have the most difficulty processing and accepting? How did you communicate this to the trans person in your life? Did you find a compromise that worked for both of you? Leave me a comment below. Your experiences might help someone else in a similar situation.

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