The period of time between wondering if you might not be cis and figuring out what your gender actually is can be confusing, frustrating, scary, and isolating. There are many different ways to explore your gender. Don’t be afraid to try more than one. You might use all of these strategies at different times or only a couple of them. I hope this helps you find the most authentic and comfortable version of yourself.
Practical Experimentation
- Try out a different presentation with clothing
- Cut or grow your hair or try a wig
- Use makeup or an app to try out facial hair (Snapchat, shaving apps)
- Try a binder, packer, bra padding, or tucking
- See what strategies decrease your gender dysphoria
- See what strategies increase your gender euphoria
- E.g.: the first time I wore a binder and saw myself in the mirror with a flat chest I knew that was how I was supposed to look.
Vicarious Experiences
- Talk to other people with similar questions and identities
- Listen to podcasts about gender (see my Resources page for a list)
- Explore other people’s experiences on social media to see what resonates with you
- Look at lists of labels and how different people define them to see if any of those definitions sound like your experience of your gender (if more than one feels right, that’s fine too! Labels aren’t boxes, they’re descriptors)
Process of Elimination
- Determine what you for sure are NOT
- Pay attention to what words, interactions, articles of clothing, or experiences make you feel less like yourself and head in the opposite direction
- E.g.: I know I am not a girl but I’m not sure if I am a boy or agender.
Objective Guidance
- Follow a guide for exploring your gender such as ‘You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery’ by Dara Hoffman-Fox or ‘How to Understand Your Gender: A Practical Guide for Exploring Who You Are’ by Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker
- Track your sense of your gender on a scale that makes sense to you (5 female to 0 to 5 male, 0 can represent neutral or no gender)
- List things that you have tried and how strongly they felt right or wrong to you to see if there is a pattern (maybe things that feel good all relate to a specific direction on the spectrum or maybe they are from all different points in the spectrum and you should be looking at gender-expansive identities)
- Talk to a therapist who specializes in gender identity (highly recommended regardless of which other strategies you try if you are able to access one)
Try it Out
- Sometimes it is very difficult to see how something will feel until you hear yourself referred to in that way
- Find a group of two or more close friends or family that you trust and test out different pronouns, a different name, or different identity labels (if it is only one other person they likely won’t be using your name or pronouns since we only do that when we refer to someone in third person)
- Pick an event that happened to you on a specific day and write it out like you are a character in a story using the name and pronouns that you want to test out
- Join an online chat group that is gender positive and use the name and pronouns you want to test out
- Try it out in private, then with close friends or family, out anonymously in public, at a larger queer group or random event, and eventually in everyday life
- E.g.: I had been using they/them pronouns as a default because I knew that she/her and he/him felt equally wrong but when my friend started using xe/xir for me so I could try it out I had finally found something that felt right.
What strategies have you used? What strategies did you find the most helpful? Where certain strategies more useful at different points in your gender exploration? Leave a comment below with your experiences!
Note: the examples I used in this post are not my own experiences but are experiences I have heard other people describe.