July 2019 – Purple and Green and the Life in Between

What’s in a Name and How to Pick One

For many gender non-conforming and trans people, names are super important. Just like pronouns, names often have a specific gender attached to them. There are female names, male names, and gender neutral names.

Often one of the first things that a trans person will do, after coming out to themselves and before coming out to their broader community, is to pick a new name. This name is considered their chosen name. Their previous name is called their birth name. And once someone has socially transitioned and no longer uses their birth name, some trans people call their birth name their ‘dead name’.

So how does one go about finding a new name? I was lucky in that the masculine part of my identity came with a name that automatically felt right. However, this did lead to me having two names which I will discuss below. Jake, my husband, had a very different experience. He didn’t specifically dislike his birth name and if it had been an acceptable gender neutral or male name he probably would have kept it. He tried shortening it to a more masculine version but it didn’t feel right and ultimately chose the name Jake. I discuss more about his process below.

HAVING TWO NAMES

I have two parts to my gender identity, a female part and a male part, and I have a name that matches each. It has taken me a long time to figure out how I want to navigate the world and be identified and I am still figuring it out but here’s where I’m at so far:

In my head and when referring to myself as a whole (to people I am out to or in online spaces like this blog) I use both names as though they are one name ie Meaghan Ray
In my everyday life where I am not yet out as genderqueer or nonbinary, I use my birth name only
In queer spaces when I am feeling more neutral or masculine I use Ray only

Having two names means that when I am in spaces where I am out to people I have to specify how I would like to be referred to each time. Some people are better than others at asking and then using the name I specify. I am slowly getting better at remembering to specify and correcting people when they get it wrong. It’s an ongoing process.

So far, I don’t feel the need to change my name legally. At some point I may change my middle name to Ray but for now I am comfortable with where I’m at.

FINDING A NEW NAME

When Jake was looking for a new name we used a few different strategies. I have also heard some others mentioned by other trans people. Here are a few ideas:

Look up baby names from the years close to when you were born
Ask your parents what you would have been called if you had been born as your current/true gender
Make a list of names used in previous generations of your family
Make a list of names that start with the same letter as your birth name or middle name (if you like it) or other first letters that you like the sound of
Flip through a baby name book and make a list of names that feel right for you
Shorten or alter your birth name to version that matches your gender

There is no one way to find a name. Some names are more common in the trans community so connect with the community online if you can and see what other people with your identity have chosen. Maybe you want a common name, maybe you don’t. It’s your name and it is completely your decision.

TESTING YOUR NEW NAME

Choosing a new name can feel daunting and huge. This is the name that will represent you for the rest of your life! So, give yourself a trial period before you start telling everyone. Here are some suggestions of how to test your new name:

Use it as an alter ego online or as a character name in a video game
Ask a few close supportive friends or family to test it out for you (we learned that this doesn’t work very well with only you and one other person because you never use first names unless there are three or more in the group)
Try writing a journal entry about your day in the third person using that name
Participate in a queer social group that you have never met before and put your new name on the name tag
Pick one of the names on your shortlist and mentally use it as your name for a week, switching to a different name for the next week

Many of the above strategies will also work for testing out pronouns. Don’t be afraid to try out different names and change your mind. But be aware that it is often difficult for the people closest to you to adapt to a new name. So the more ways you can test it before telling the whole family or coming out at work the more confident you will feel that you are choosing the right name for you.

Remember that you also need time to get used to your new name. It will sound strange when someone refers to you by that name for a while. The longer you can give yourself to get used to it internally or with a small group before coming out publicly the more it will feel like your name when you hear people using it.

If you changed your name, what strategies did you use to pick a new name and test it out? If someone you know changed their name, how did you feel about the change? Leave me a comment below with your experiences!

Why Labels Matter

I have often heard complaints about why people (usually queer people) feel the need to label themselves, or why there are so many different labels, or how labels are so restrictive, and how its unnecessary to put yourself in a box. Usually, the people making these statements are cisgendered and straight. They have never struggled with having to figure out a part of their identity, find a way to explain it to others, and find a way to connect with a community.

Labels help me understand myself. For me, this is the most important reason that labels exist. Labels and their definitions provide me with language to say ‘yes, that is how I feel’ or ‘no, that is not how I feel’. Without this language, I might have a vague sense that my experience of the world is not the same as the people around be but be unable to figure out why, how, and what to do about it.

Sometimes, labels are the only thing we have control over. Sometimes, this sense of knowing who we are is all we have. There are times when it is unsafe to come out or we don’t have access to a community. Or times when we don’t have access to gender affirming clothing, medications, or surgery. Labels are the only way we can express our gender or identity and feel seen.

Labels are a communication tool to help others understand my identity. I know that not everyone will have the same definition or understanding of a label as I do so I try to use a label they are most likely to understand or have a conversation about what that label means for me. Without labels and their definitions I would only ever be defined by what people assumed my identity to be. When a large part of who I am and how I navigate the world is invisible, being able to communicate my identity to others is very important.

Labels are words that represent abstract concepts, not concrete ones. Everyone will have a slightly different understanding and experience of a given label. For me, this is part of the magic of labels and what makes them interesting and valuable. But some people use their own understanding of a label to define others. This is when labels can become damaging or restrictive.

Each label I use is a facet of who I am that all fit together to form the whole of my person and identity. Labels should not be boxes. You cannot define what something is no by stating what it is. For example, if I define the word trunk as the solid, central stem of a tree, that does not mean that the word trunk cannot mean anything else, or that a tree is solely made up of a trunk.

Labels should be seen as fluctuating and fluid, not fixed. Labels represent part of our identity. Identity, by the very nature of being a human, is fluid over time. Identity changes as we change. Expecting labels to be fixed is equivalent to saying that identities are fixed, that they won’t change over time as we change and as society changes around us.

Labels should not be performative or restrictive. Just because you identify with a label does not mean you should be expected to present or act a certain way as a result. However, society is not very good at following this. So it is completely acceptable to keep a label to yourself or alter your presentation to fit a label in order to keep yourself safe or access care that you need. I just hope that you do not lose parts of who you are in the process.

Labels allow you to connect with other people who share similar experiences and identities. I can understand how people who have never felt like they don’t fit in mainstream culture would not understand the need to use labels to define yourself and your experience of the world in order to find community. I just wish everyone could allow each other to use labels, or not, as they wish, and approach labels that are new to them with curiosity rather than skepticism.

What is your experience with labels? Do you find them useful or restrictive? Have you had experiences where you were treated differently as a result of a label you used? Tell me about it in the comments!

Queer Wedding Ideas

When Jake and I got married, we both identified as women (this was pre gender exploration for both of us). We made some adjustments to the ceremony so it didn’t feel so heternonormative. Since then, I have participated in, and seen pictures and descriptions of, many different gay, queer, and gender non-conforming (GNC) weddings. Here are a few of the ideas I’ve collected:

Switch Sides. If there is a more masculine presenting person and a more feminine presenting person, stand on the opposite side from the norm of man on the right and woman on the left (from the audience perspective).
Who Enters First. Typically, the man starts the ceremony at the front or walks in first. So instead, have the more feminine person walk in first or have both of you walk in at the same time up parallel aisles instead of having one central aisle.
Wear Whatever You Want! Don’t feel confined to one person wearing a dress and the other wearing a suit. Either person can wear whatever they want! Similarly, don’t confine your wedding party to a suit for the men and a dress for the women. Either allow them to choose or offer a midway option of a blouse and suit pants or a skirt with a shirt, vest, and tie.
Mixed Wedding Parties. Don’t limit yourself to female assigned/identified/presenting people standing with the ‘bride’ and male assign/identified/presenting people standing with the ‘groom’. Pick the people that are most important in your life to stand with you regardless of gender or presentation. That’s why they’re there, isn’t it?
Colours! Base your colour theme off a queer flag that has meaning to both of you. Include rainbows, or trans colours, or purple and green (as we did, kind of by accident). You can also use rainbows or meaningful colour combinations as highlights such as having a rainbow rose in the table centers.
Include Your Community. Community is hugely important for queer people and often serves as a chosen family. Include your community in your special day with a ring warming, readings from different people either during the ceremony or at the reception, or a modified sand ceremony where everyone adds a pinch of sand on the way in and those jars are mixed together by the couple. There are so many options! You can pick one that someone else created or make your own!
Location and Ceremony. If you and your partner are religious, you can absolutely have a queer wedding in your place of worship. But many queer people have had difficult experiences with organized religion and may feel uncomfortable within these spaces and with the religious basis of the ceremony. So consider choosing an outdoor location or a non-religious location that is meaningful to you. Likewise, there are some aspects of the ceremony that are required to be legally binding but some are optional. Definitely talk to your officiant about ways to make the ceremony personal and, of course, queer.
Language. Weddings are full of heteronormative and binary language. Be open about what language each of you is comfortable with and make sure that your officiant and wedding parties are on board. Consider having a wedding website that includes an explanation of the terminology you will be using. This is also an easy way to specify pronouns and names of people in the wedding party or important family members.
Identity Pins or Stickers. Have pronoun pins/stickers available for people to wear as a lapel pin if they wish. Weddings bring together family and friends, many of whom will never have met and may come from very different social backgrounds. This can be a way for the queer people participating in or attending the wedding to feel more comfortable.

That’s it for now! If you had a queer wedding or have attended a queer wedding, what strategies did you use? Leave them in the comments below and I will add them to the list!