Month: October 2018

Help! My Partner Just Told Me They’re Trans!

If your partner just told you they are trans or wondering if they are trans it means they trusted you enough and value your place in their life to share this huge part of themselves with you. If you are not sure what to do next, how to be supportive, or what this means for you you’ve come to the right place. I hope this post will help answer some of those questions.

new relationship

Someone you’re dating who you are interested in and want to pursue a relationship with just told you they are trans.

They’re trans and ‘post’ transitioning

Ask them about their experience of being trans (if they are willing to share).

  • Do they use that label? Are they ‘out’ as trans?
  • When did they start to transition? How long have they been living authentically?
  • Do they have people who are supportive in their life? Are there people who have not been supportive?

Be honest about your level of knowledge and ask if they have any resources or things they feel you should look up.

  • Even if they say no, GO LOOK THINGS UP (which you likely are already doing if you have found this page so good for you! Keep going!). Learn some terminology, learn the basics of what dysphoria is and what the transition process entails for their area of the world.
  • Be honest about your level of comfort and confusion and that you will try not to do anything to offend them or make them uncomfortable and that if you do you want them to tell you right away so you can learn.
    • Sometimes giving someone feedback like this face to face is difficult which results in not getting the feedback you need to be aware of your actions and improve. Offer alternatives – they can write you emails or notes.
    • When is a good time for this type of feedback? It is much easier for people to offer intensely personal feedback if you ask for it directly. Once a week (or whatever time frame works for you), check in with them and ask for feedback.

Offensive questions/statements to avoid:

  • DO NOT blatantly ask about their genitals or if they have had ‘the surgery’ yet.
  • DO NOT say ‘wow! I’d never have known if you didn’t tell me!’ or ‘Wow you look really good for a [insert gender here],
  • DO NOT ask what their ‘real’ name is, or what their name used to be.

The fact that they told you means they feel strongly enough about the relationship that they wanted you to know and that they trusted you enough to tell you something that could potentially put them in an unsafe situation. This reflects well on how you have acted up to this point. Don’t mess it up with an ignorant if well-meaning response.

They are a person, same as they were before they told you they were trans. Nothing has changed. Continue with whatever topics of conversation you were enjoying and learn more about them the same way you would on any other date. Don’t make everything suddenly be about their trans identity.

They’re trans and ‘pre’/in the middle of transitioning

Ask them how they would like you to refer to them (pronouns and name) and try your best to respect that. It may change as they go through their transition so be open to that. If you mess it up say ‘sorry’, correct yourself, and move on. Don’t make a huge deal of it but don’t gloss over it either. If they would like you to use a different name/pronoun than they use in the rest of their life clarify when they would like you to use which set – will it change depending of where you are and who you are with? It is a good policy to have this check in each time you are entering a new environment/meeting new people.

Ask if they’re comfortable talking about it and if they’re willing to explain more about what they’re going through. Keep in mind that they may not want to if you’re out in public but might be ok with this in a more private setting. Or they may not want to right now but they might be able to in the future. This is not usually a reflection on you or how much they like you or how much they feel they can trust you. It is more likely related to whether they have found the words to express the confusion they feel inside.

Ask if they have any resources you should look at that will help you understand their identity or experience (see above).

Be open about your level of knowledge, confusion, and willingness to learn (see above).

Acknowledge that you might do or say something that offends them or makes them uncomfortable but that you don’t mean to and that you want them to tell you right away so you can learn (see above).

They are a person, same as they were before they told you they were trans. Nothing has changed. Continue with whatever topics of conversation you were enjoying and learn more about them the same way you would on any other date (see above).

Long term relationship

Your partner may have known for a long time and have been trying to suppress it, blend in, hide it from you but they can’t any longer. They may have been presenting very much in line with their gender assigned at birth to you and to the world so this can seem like a huge change.

Or, your partner may have been presenting as closely as possible to their true identity and when they reveal to you that they’re thinking of transitioning it may seem like it makes sense and won’t be much different or it might still seem like a surprise.

You may have feelings of shock, betrayal, anger, fear, regret, even disgust. Society teaches us that trans people are abnormal and many of your initial reactions may be a result of this conditioning. Do not beat yourself up for these reactions but try your best to figure out which emotions are specific to you and your situation and which ones are a result of your preconceptions and stereotypes from society.

Try to find some private space and time where you can talk to your partner for as long as you need to understand how they feel and what they want to do. Understanding who they see themselves as and who they want the world to see will help you get a better idea of how you might feel going forward.

Express your own feelings, both negative and positive, and decide whether you need some space apart to work things through or more conversations together to learn more about how/if things will work between you.

Make a list of the aspects of your lives this will affect – your relationship, children, business ventures, family relations, etc. Being able to categorize where the stress is and who is best suited to deal with it will help avoid situations where you are both frustrated and stressed and you don’t know why or what to do about it and end up taking it out on each other.

If these conversations continually break down, consider finding a therapist that is familiar with trans issues to help guide you through this process. You can see the therapist as a couple, by yourself, or recommend your partner see them. Support groups can also be very useful. We found a PFLaG group in our area and have been going as often as we can for over 2 years now. It is wonderful to be in a space where everyone understands what you’re going through without having to explain it in great detail first. It helps normalize the experience and can help you find the support you need.

If you’re up for it, suggest a trial period of them presenting how they feel comfortable. This can be an evening at home, or a weekend away somewhere. It can be done in stages with them slowly changing their appearance one piece at a time to give you time to adjust or all at once. However you decide to do it, I suggest you discuss it together first and make a plan so that no one is surprised or put on the spot.

At this point you likely have an idea of whether or not you are comfortable maintaining your relationship with them or not. This can look many different ways. Some examples are:

  • Yes! This makes so much more sense and I’m here to support them 100%!
  • Yes, I think I’ll be ok with this but it’s going to take some time and I’ll have to take it slowly.
  • No, I no longer see myself in a relationship with them but I’m all for supporting them as a friend.
  • No, I definitely am not ok with this and I don’t want to have any part in their transition.

All these reactions are valid no matter what other people will tell you. Your experience and your life is your own. Make sure your reaction is true for you and not a reflection of what others will think or what society has taught you. You have the right to change your mind at any time. If you think you might be ok with it but at some point realize the relationship is no longer working, be honest with yourself and your partner.

Moving Forward

Communication is key!! If your partner is not willing to sit down and have open conversations with you about who they are and listen to how you feel you may need to find a more formal venue for these conversations (ie couple’s therapy with a trans positive therapist).

Honesty with yourself and your partner is also key!! Be honest about how you feel and when you don’t know what you feel. Find ways to explore different scenarios with your partner to help each of you figure out how you feel. Your partner will be going through a lot of intense emotional things and you may not feel like you want to put all your doubts and confusion and frustration on them as well. Ask them if they are ok with you talking to one close friend about what you’re going through. For me, this was someone who lived somewhere else in the country which meant very low risk to my husband. It might help if it is someone who is somewhat familiar with the queer community, especially if you are not.

If you are happy staying with your partner, their transition will change how society views your sexuality (see my post about this here). I know, this makes no sense because you haven’t changed as a person, but it will happen anyway. Your sexual orientation and the labels you use can change if you feel like it has but it doesn’t have to. You are likely still attracted to the same types of people you were before your partner transitioned. Your partner may still fit within the label you use or you can see your attraction to your partner as an exception. Either way, it will help to find labels that work for you so you have a way to come out to people without outing your partner as trans (for those that didn’t know you beforehand).

 

I hope this helped. This is the type of information that would have been useful for me to have during my husband’s questioning phase and into the beginning of his transition. Giving support to other partners of trans people is one of the main reasons I started this blog.

 

How did you react when your partner told you they were trans? How has this affected you as you process this information? What types of support have you found? What is the outcome for you and your partner? Leave a comment below and tell me your story.

At the Gym

I have always been an athletic person. I played baseball right from T-ball to high school, soccer in middle school, and was generally an outdoorsy kid climbing trees and exploring the woods around our cottage. I learned to swim, canoe, ski, and skate at our cottage, and learned how to sail, kayak, and ride horses at summer camp. This is where I first discovered archery which became my focus throughout high school and into university. Eventually life got in the way and I stopped training which also meant I became less fit and less active. In graduate school I briefly got involved in rowing and quickly remembered what I liked about learning new sports and being active. Then I moved and it’s been hard to keep up with. Now-a-days, in order to stay fit I have to go to the gym to workout. This is a very different experience from what I was used to growing up, especially with dysphoria added on top.

Gyms and other traditional workout spaces are not very friendly environments for people with dysphoria. There are change rooms separated into male and female, mirrors, revealing or fitted clothing, and a focus on your body which may be the greatest source of your discomfort. But at the same time, people who experience dysphoria often struggle with their mental health as a result and would greatly benefit from regular physical activity. Or maybe, being athletic is a part of their identity that is something stable that they can focus on when everything else feels like it’s in flux.

I enjoy working out at the gym. It makes me feel strong, satisfied, relaxed, alert, and more in tune with my body. It gives me a positive way to focus on my body and the strength in it instead of the ways it sometimes feels wrong. Working out at the gym is one of the best ways for me to relieve some of the tension that builds up from constant frustration, dysphoria, and safety math. I use the female change room but there is a gender neutral washroom down the hall that I could use if I want to. The gym is small and has mirrors along one wall which I avoid facing when I have more dysphoria. I generally wear a fitted sports bra and a loose shirt and basketball shorts or board shorts.

For some reason, different activities at the gym make me feel different aspects of my gender. On the female side there is steady, long duration cardio, lighter weights, core exercises, stretching, and pilates or yoga type exercises. On the male side there is heavier weights, more intense short duration cardio, and plyometric or agility type exercises. In the neutral category is balance, combination exercises, and interval type cardio.

Those lists of activities seem pretty stereotypical. To be clear, I am not suggesting that specific types of exercise are gendered in any way, just that this is how they feel to me and the effect they have on my gender. Not everyone will experience physical activity as having anything to do with their gender.

I’m not really surprised that my experience of my gender while working out is affected by stereotypes. Most of our experiences are in some ways. But knowing how different activities interact with my sense of my gender allows me to choose activities strategically. I can pick activities that will be in line with my current experience of my gender to minimize dysphoria. Or I can pick activities that balance out my experience of my gender. Typically this means picking activities that help me feel more masculine to offset being identified solely as female in my day-to-day life.

So, the majority of the time, I prefer the activities from the ‘masculine’ list. Until recently, I hadn’t identified this preference as a gender based thing. But that is definitely a component of it. Those activities help me feel more at ease with myself and more balanced whereas the other ones accentuate feelings of dysphoria or imbalance, generally towards the female side. In order to maintain my fitness the way I’d like, I’ll have to find ways of making the more ‘feminine’ activities feel more masculine for me or pair them with other masculine activities.

I have found other forms of activity that I enjoy as well. These are often more similar to the sports I enjoyed as a kid, home workouts, or workout classes specifically for queer/trans people.

My biggest difficulty is motivation, as it is for anyone trying to form a new habit of being physically active. When my mental health is suffering I mainly experience apathy. So even though this is when I need to workout the most, I have a hard time caring enough or building up enough energy to do it. I try to hold myself accountable by finding a workout buddy who won’t let me get out of it. Once I go I always end up feeling better and having more energy and less tension than when I started. Hopefully writing that down and sending it out into the world will remind me of that the next time.

 

How does working out or physical activity influence your sense of your gender? Do you struggle to be physically active as a result of dysphoria, environment, or mental health? What strategies have you found that help you maintain an active lifestyle? Leave a comment below with your thoughts and experiences!

 

Bridging the Gap Between Mainstream and Queer/Trans Culture

What gap?

People in the queer/trans communities are used to lots of different labels and have a common understanding of what it feels like to have to figure out who you are, be in the closet, and come out. If you hang out in the queer/trans communities enough it seems like this understanding is shared with everyone. But the general population outside of this community may never have been exposed to any of those labels, experiences, or knowledge.

For the most part, mainstream culture sees gender as a binary, sees heterosexuality as ‘the norm’ or ‘the expected’, and understands basic labels such as gay and lesbian, occasionally bisexual, even less often, trans. There is rarely an understanding of gender as a spectrum, of how to respectfully describe a trans person, or the variety of labels for and experiences of sexual orientations.

why is there a gap?

Mainstream culture has mainly been exposed to queer experiences through media, as with most minorities. What is shown in media is usually controlled by the mainstream. So how can we expect mainstream culture to have an accurate or even partial understanding of queer/trans experiences? This is slowly changing as media outlets like Youtube allow minorities a way to speak for themselves (when the algorithm isn’t busy censoring them), as more celebrities and professional athletes come out and speak up in support of the queer/trans community, and as more queer/trans characters are included in media.

acknowledging and accepting the gap

Surrounding yourself with like-minded people builds a strong supportive environment but it can lead to an assumption that the rest of the world has similar views. If queer people are aware of this gap of understanding it is often easier to ignore the ignorance around them on a day to day basis than constantly feel threatened or misunderstood.  But ignoring it leads to queer people using language that others are not familiar with or referring to common experiences that others find strange. This causes miscommunication, confusion, frustration, and ‘othering’ – a focus on the differences between people, how ‘different’ and ‘strange’ queer people are.

If you say something that a co-worker or acquaintance doesn’t understand such as using a label that is less common or making reference to an aspect of transitioning and your co-worker responds with confusion, try not to take it personally or make them feel stupid. Try to treat this as a flag of truce, an indication where the gap is. This lack of understanding can be frustrating but to narrow the gap we have to communicate using terms that everyone understands, not ignore the ignorance or get defensive and angry when someone demonstrates ignorance. Acknowledge that you have different experiences, different levels of exposure to this sub-culture, and use the opportunity to educate someone new (if you have the energy) or pointing them in the direction of resources. I am not always the best at this but I am working on it. Sometimes it still takes me by surprise when things that seem obvious to me are beyond common knowledge.

when does this gap become an issue?
  • Coming out (which can lead to being bullied, fired, or evicted)
  • Medical settings (which can lead to health concerns being missed, queer/trans people knowing more about their condition than the medical professional or avoiding medical care altogether)
  • When you need support and try to explain what you are struggling with to others and get a ‘that’s interesting’ response instead of ‘I understand and support you’
how to bridge the gap
  • Step 1: Identify the gap
    • What is the knowledge level of the least aware person in the group?
    • What do you want them to be able to understand?
  • Step 2: Connect the dots
    • What are some key pieces of information that they need in order to understand your identity/information?
    • Start with the basics – gender as a spectrum, the genderbread person, separation of sex, gender, orientation, and presentation
    • Try to explain what it feels like in your shoes
      • How dysphoria feels (not specifically what about your body/situation causes dysphoria)
      • The confusion that you experienced before you had the language to understand your identity and communicate it to others
      • The fear of repercussions if you come out, the impact of having to stay in the closet
      • The impact of being misgendered, both prior to and after coming out
  • Step 3: Take away message
    • Be super clear that the most important thing they can do is respect your name and pronouns (or whatever the most important aspect is for you)
tips and useful phrases
  • Tips:
    • Have an exit plan. These types of conversations are intense and difficult. Have somewhere you can go afterwards to recover.
    • Have a follow up plan. If they have further questions, where do they go, who can they talk to, who do they bring them up?
    • Have back up. If the conversation/discussion doesn’t go well and turns into a bullying situation or you experience outright homophobia or transphobia, who can you go with those concerns?
    • Written messages are easier for people to absorb but less personal. If you have a hard time finding the right words or are concerned that the situation may not be safe enough in person, try a written message instead. Keep in mind that an in-person conversation will likely be necessary at some point but at least they’ll have the basics and you can specify the terms of the personal conversation in the original message (ie one on one, boss present, at a specific meeting, etc).
  • Phrases:
    • You don’t have to understand someone’s experience in order to respect them
    • The most important thing you can do is respect someone’s name and pronouns
    • If you get their pronouns wrong, correct yourself and move on. If someone else corrects you because you didn’t hear yourself make the mistake, apologize, correct yourself, and return to the topic at hand.

Have you experienced this gap in understanding? How did it affect you? What approach did you take to bridging or overcoming the gap? If you were on the receiving end of this type of conversation at some point, how did it feel for you? Were you able to absorb the information? Did you follow up with the person or look for further resources afterwards? Did it change your perspective or interaction with others? Leave a comment below to tell me your experience!