My physical sense of my gender and my social sense of my gender fluctuate separately but can line up at times (here is my post about how I figured this out and tools I used to explore it). Here, I will describe what I mean by physical and social gender, what it feels like when my physical and social sense of gender match or differ in various places on the spectrum, and what strategies I use to manage dysphoria in each situation.
PHYSICAL GENDER
This is based on how comfortable I am in my body as a female-assigned person. If my body feels completely right for me and I’m happy to show off my curves my physical gender is female. If I’m mildly uncomfortable with my curves but don’t necessarily feel like I should have a completely flat chest I’m closer to neutral. If I’m really uncomfortable and wouldn’t want to go out of the house without a binder on my physical gender is male. There are other physical aspects that play into this but shape and chest are the easiest to describe.
SOCIAL GENDER
This includes how various aspects of interacting with other people and being in public spaces feel such as pronouns, gendered language, bathrooms, social interactions, etc. What pronouns feel most comfortable on a given day is a big clue where my social gender sits (usually they/them but often she/her don’t bother me much). Often female gendered language (ma’am, ladies, girl) bothers me more than female pronouns but the days when I would prefer the equivalent male gendered terms are the days I’m likely socially male.
PHYSICALLY FEMALE, SOCIALLY FEMALE
- Indicators:
- Minimal dysphoria, physical or social
- Effects:
- Generally more at ease, more comfortable
- More likely to socialize
- Causes a feeling of invisibility or like I have to justify my queerness
- Strategies:
- Comfortable wearing name tag at work
- Comfortable wearing bras and female clothes
- Will make sure queer symbols are visible
- Wear a piece of masculine jewelry to remind myself/express my masculine side but mostly female jewelry
- hair up nice or down
- Personal Reminders:
- Enjoy the comfort
- No amount of femininity invalidates my queer or genderqueer identity
PHYSICALLY FEMALE, SOCIALLY NEUTRAL TO MALE
- Indicators:
- Mild physical dysphoria but only when I’m putting on clothes to leave the house and picturing how people will see me
- Internal cringes relating to female spaces or language
- Effects:
- Discomfort in social situations leading to fast social burnout and lots of recovery time required
- Strange feeling of needing to wear a binder even though I am perfectly fine with my body when I’m on my own
- Frustration at how people can’t just know that I’m a guy in a female body and be fine with that
- Strategies:
- Wear tight sports bra or binder
- Masculine presentation including hair, accessories, and clothing
- ‘Forget’ to wear my name tag at work
- Avoid gendered spaces/bathrooms
- Minimize social interaction at work
- Spend more time alone, in nature, with my husband, or with queer friends who refer to me as Ray and use they/them pronouns
- Converse/interact in more masculine ways
- Personal Reminders:
- I’m a female-bodied man
- Think of myself as Ray
PHYSICALLY NEUTRAL TO MALE, SOCIALLY FEMALE
- Indicators:
- Physical dysphoria even when I’m alone
- Minimal discomfort with female pronouns or female spaces
- Effects:
- Want to feel masculine but interact in ways that appear feminine
- Socially comfortable
- Difficulty maintaining focus, learning new things, or remembering information due to the distraction of constant dysphoria
- Strategies:
- Avoid mirrors unless clothed
- Wear binder, baggier clothes, and darker/more neutral colours especially for tops
- Lift weights
- Move and posture in masculine ways but interact and converse in more feminine ways
- Comfortable wearing name tag
- Avoid multitasking
- Write down all new information so I don’t have to retain it
- Personal Reminders:
- Acknowledge that I am Ray on the inside even if I’m comfortable being Meaghan on the outside
- I’m a masculine woman
PHYSICALLY NEUTRAL TO MALE, SOCIALLY NEUTRAL TO MALE
- Indicators:
- Physical and social dysphoria whether I’m alone or going out
- Effects:
- Want to be seen as male and feel physically male
- Difficulty maintaining focus, learning new things, or remembering information due to the distraction of constant dysphoria
- Discomfort in social situations leading to fast social burnout and lots of recovery time required
- Strong feeling of invisibility
- Lots of cringing with female language, pronouns, interactions, and spaces
- Strategies:
- Wear binder and masculine clothing and accessories
- Don’t wear name tag
- Avoid gendered spaces
- Workout
- Spend time with queer friends
- Listen to trans podcasts/watch trans youtube videos
- Use self-care toolkit and listen to self-care playlist
- Talk to my husband/commiserate
- Personal Reminders:
- Today is just a male day
- I know I’m Ray even if no-one else does
I grouped neutral and male together because I am AFAB so neutral feels the same as male but less intense because it is still towards the ‘male side’ of my physical and social baseline of female.
Do your physical sense of your gender and social sense of your gender fluctuate separately? Do you have similar or different experiences to the ones I describe above? What strategies do you use to manage social or physical dysphoria and make yourself more comfortable? Leave me a comment below!