If your partner just told you they are trans or wondering if they are trans it means they trusted you enough and value your place in their life to share this huge part of themselves with you. If you are not sure what to do next, how to be supportive, or what this means for you you’ve come to the right place. I hope this post will help answer some of those questions.
new relationship
Someone you’re dating who you are interested in and want to pursue a relationship with just told you they are trans.
They’re trans and ‘post’ transitioning
Ask them about their experience of being trans (if they are willing to share).
- Do they use that label? Are they ‘out’ as trans?
- When did they start to transition? How long have they been living authentically?
- Do they have people who are supportive in their life? Are there people who have not been supportive?
Be honest about your level of knowledge and ask if they have any resources or things they feel you should look up.
- Even if they say no, GO LOOK THINGS UP (which you likely are already doing if you have found this page so good for you! Keep going!). Learn some terminology, learn the basics of what dysphoria is and what the transition process entails for their area of the world.
- Be honest about your level of comfort and confusion and that you will try not to do anything to offend them or make them uncomfortable and that if you do you want them to tell you right away so you can learn.
- Sometimes giving someone feedback like this face to face is difficult which results in not getting the feedback you need to be aware of your actions and improve. Offer alternatives – they can write you emails or notes.
- When is a good time for this type of feedback? It is much easier for people to offer intensely personal feedback if you ask for it directly. Once a week (or whatever time frame works for you), check in with them and ask for feedback.
Offensive questions/statements to avoid:
- DO NOT blatantly ask about their genitals or if they have had ‘the surgery’ yet.
- DO NOT say ‘wow! I’d never have known if you didn’t tell me!’ or ‘Wow you look really good for a [insert gender here],
- DO NOT ask what their ‘real’ name is, or what their name used to be.
The fact that they told you means they feel strongly enough about the relationship that they wanted you to know and that they trusted you enough to tell you something that could potentially put them in an unsafe situation. This reflects well on how you have acted up to this point. Don’t mess it up with an ignorant if well-meaning response.
They are a person, same as they were before they told you they were trans. Nothing has changed. Continue with whatever topics of conversation you were enjoying and learn more about them the same way you would on any other date. Don’t make everything suddenly be about their trans identity.
They’re trans and ‘pre’/in the middle of transitioning
Ask them how they would like you to refer to them (pronouns and name) and try your best to respect that. It may change as they go through their transition so be open to that. If you mess it up say ‘sorry’, correct yourself, and move on. Don’t make a huge deal of it but don’t gloss over it either. If they would like you to use a different name/pronoun than they use in the rest of their life clarify when they would like you to use which set – will it change depending of where you are and who you are with? It is a good policy to have this check in each time you are entering a new environment/meeting new people.
Ask if they’re comfortable talking about it and if they’re willing to explain more about what they’re going through. Keep in mind that they may not want to if you’re out in public but might be ok with this in a more private setting. Or they may not want to right now but they might be able to in the future. This is not usually a reflection on you or how much they like you or how much they feel they can trust you. It is more likely related to whether they have found the words to express the confusion they feel inside.
Ask if they have any resources you should look at that will help you understand their identity or experience (see above).
Be open about your level of knowledge, confusion, and willingness to learn (see above).
Acknowledge that you might do or say something that offends them or makes them uncomfortable but that you don’t mean to and that you want them to tell you right away so you can learn (see above).
They are a person, same as they were before they told you they were trans. Nothing has changed. Continue with whatever topics of conversation you were enjoying and learn more about them the same way you would on any other date (see above).
Long term relationship
Your partner may have known for a long time and have been trying to suppress it, blend in, hide it from you but they can’t any longer. They may have been presenting very much in line with their gender assigned at birth to you and to the world so this can seem like a huge change.
Or, your partner may have been presenting as closely as possible to their true identity and when they reveal to you that they’re thinking of transitioning it may seem like it makes sense and won’t be much different or it might still seem like a surprise.
You may have feelings of shock, betrayal, anger, fear, regret, even disgust. Society teaches us that trans people are abnormal and many of your initial reactions may be a result of this conditioning. Do not beat yourself up for these reactions but try your best to figure out which emotions are specific to you and your situation and which ones are a result of your preconceptions and stereotypes from society.
Try to find some private space and time where you can talk to your partner for as long as you need to understand how they feel and what they want to do. Understanding who they see themselves as and who they want the world to see will help you get a better idea of how you might feel going forward.
Express your own feelings, both negative and positive, and decide whether you need some space apart to work things through or more conversations together to learn more about how/if things will work between you.
Make a list of the aspects of your lives this will affect – your relationship, children, business ventures, family relations, etc. Being able to categorize where the stress is and who is best suited to deal with it will help avoid situations where you are both frustrated and stressed and you don’t know why or what to do about it and end up taking it out on each other.
If these conversations continually break down, consider finding a therapist that is familiar with trans issues to help guide you through this process. You can see the therapist as a couple, by yourself, or recommend your partner see them. Support groups can also be very useful. We found a PFLaG group in our area and have been going as often as we can for over 2 years now. It is wonderful to be in a space where everyone understands what you’re going through without having to explain it in great detail first. It helps normalize the experience and can help you find the support you need.
If you’re up for it, suggest a trial period of them presenting how they feel comfortable. This can be an evening at home, or a weekend away somewhere. It can be done in stages with them slowly changing their appearance one piece at a time to give you time to adjust or all at once. However you decide to do it, I suggest you discuss it together first and make a plan so that no one is surprised or put on the spot.
At this point you likely have an idea of whether or not you are comfortable maintaining your relationship with them or not. This can look many different ways. Some examples are:
- Yes! This makes so much more sense and I’m here to support them 100%!
- Yes, I think I’ll be ok with this but it’s going to take some time and I’ll have to take it slowly.
- No, I no longer see myself in a relationship with them but I’m all for supporting them as a friend.
- No, I definitely am not ok with this and I don’t want to have any part in their transition.
All these reactions are valid no matter what other people will tell you. Your experience and your life is your own. Make sure your reaction is true for you and not a reflection of what others will think or what society has taught you. You have the right to change your mind at any time. If you think you might be ok with it but at some point realize the relationship is no longer working, be honest with yourself and your partner.
Moving Forward
Communication is key!! If your partner is not willing to sit down and have open conversations with you about who they are and listen to how you feel you may need to find a more formal venue for these conversations (ie couple’s therapy with a trans positive therapist).
Honesty with yourself and your partner is also key!! Be honest about how you feel and when you don’t know what you feel. Find ways to explore different scenarios with your partner to help each of you figure out how you feel. Your partner will be going through a lot of intense emotional things and you may not feel like you want to put all your doubts and confusion and frustration on them as well. Ask them if they are ok with you talking to one close friend about what you’re going through. For me, this was someone who lived somewhere else in the country which meant very low risk to my husband. It might help if it is someone who is somewhat familiar with the queer community, especially if you are not.
If you are happy staying with your partner, their transition will change how society views your sexuality (see my post about this here). I know, this makes no sense because you haven’t changed as a person, but it will happen anyway. Your sexual orientation and the labels you use can change if you feel like it has but it doesn’t have to. You are likely still attracted to the same types of people you were before your partner transitioned. Your partner may still fit within the label you use or you can see your attraction to your partner as an exception. Either way, it will help to find labels that work for you so you have a way to come out to people without outing your partner as trans (for those that didn’t know you beforehand).
I hope this helped. This is the type of information that would have been useful for me to have during my husband’s questioning phase and into the beginning of his transition. Giving support to other partners of trans people is one of the main reasons I started this blog.
How did you react when your partner told you they were trans? How has this affected you as you process this information? What types of support have you found? What is the outcome for you and your partner? Leave a comment below and tell me your story.