Pain – Purple and Green and the Life in Between

Reflections on Top Surgery, Part 3 : Post Surgery

Gender affirming chest masculinization “top surgery” is one of the major defining moments for trans men. But getting from your existing chest to the one you want to have can be overwhelming from both the information overload and emotional point of view. Having had surgery 3 years ago, I wanted to share my thoughts on surgery in case it may help someone else in the same position. I’ve created a 3 part series on surgery : Pre-surgery, surgery itself, and post- surgery.

This will be mainly from my personal experience as a mostly binary trans man, but could easily be applied to non-binary/GNC people.

If you haven’t read Part 1: Pre-surgery and Part 2: Surgery, start there. To recap: I had a phone consultation with a privately funded top surgeon in Ontario, who gave me a surgery date 6 weeks later. I had my surgery, had my bandages removed, but still had to wear a compressive binder for a couple more weeks.

Initial recovery

Right after the disaster of visiting the clinic for the last time, we went to a nearby mall for some fast food self care. I went into the food court bathroom which was the first public washroom since surgery and I automatically felt 100 times safer. I felt like I belonged. I didn’t feel like an imposter that everyone would automatically clock and tell me that I was in the wrong bathroom. This bathroom euphoria wouldn’t last (more on this in a future post and other bathroom shenanigans here) but for now it was an amazing experience and I couldn’t wait to use another public bathroom!

Our flight home was uneventful. I was nervously waiting for a security officer to ask why I was walking so stiffly, or wonder why I was covered in bandages but nothing happened.

Once home I had another week off before returning to work, but my energy levels did not bounce back as quickly as I had hoped. I ended up taking an additional week off.

In those couple of weeks after surgery I was mostly numb across my whole chest and down my sides. Showering was weird since I could feel the water near my neck and on my belly, but not in between. I was also getting weird prickly sensations across my chest and I would itch but it didn’t help at all. Meaghan Ray said it was my nerves starting to boot back up, so I rubbed a rough cloth across my chest to help my skin remember what sensation was all about and stop freaking out which seemed to help. This technique is called desensitization. Leave a comment or send us an email for more info.

I wore the binder all day and night, and applied polysporin to my incisions and nipples. Slowly they closed up and started healing with more normal skin tones. There was a point in healing where the scabs on my nipples started coming off in small pieces, and since the healed skin underneath was so much lighter, it looked like my nipples had fallen off entirely! It was terrifying until more of the scabs came off and I could see that my nipple was still intact.

Getting back to normal life

When I returned to work after being gone for 3 weeks, people were happy to see me, but for them not much had changed. It was like I had gone for a vacation and come back. It was very frustrating because I had spent a bunch of money to have body parts removed in order to “pass” and meet society’s expectations of what I should look like, but people still couldn’t use the proper pronouns. It felt like I had a big incision and T-rex arms for nothing. My euphoria and confidence slowly drained.

Once I stopped wearing the binder and started feeling the shirt directly against my skin, my confidence began to return. I didn’t care as much about being misgendered because I could feel how flat I was and it was awesome.

I wanted to minimize scarring so I massaged my scars with oil at least once a day for several months. I also didn’t raise my arms above shoulder height for 6+ months which made getting back to working out consistently a struggle. Everyone heals differently so it’s hard to tell if it made any difference but protecting my scars was the thing I had control over and it feels like I did the right thing for me.

Post op Depression

One experience specific to top surgery is having to keep your elbows at your sides for months which limits your use of your arms and therefore your independence. I was a bit angsty with how weak and dependent I was and I am prone to depression so the first couple weeks were a bit rough for me. But having the support of Meaghan Ray and seeing how excited they were for me helped me find that excitement for myself.

Many people experience post-op depression after top surgery. If you google “post op depression” the autofill option for “after top surgery” is only 4 options below. It happens after many surgeries due to some metabolic and physiological reasons as well as having time to yourself while you recover to ponder your life choices. It can especially happen after top surgery or other gender confirmation surgeries because there is usually a long buildup from when you are starting to wonder if you are trans, to finally getting a result in the mirror you are looking for, usually years later. You are looking forward to having the surgery completed, but then there is physical recovery, there is pain, maybe there are complications which feels like it robs you of the excitement you were expecting. And now that the surgery is completed, there is a sense of not having something to look forward to anymore.

Another aspect is that while your brain is telling you what you want, the actual experience of being unconscious for 2 hours and having something removed that you were carrying for 15+ years, makes part of your brain go haywire. Something is suddenly no longer there. And while you were mentally picturing what it would look and feel like, you didn’t know exactly what that would be like. So there is an adjustment period while your brain catches up. And having to wait while your brain straightens itself out makes you doubt that you have made the right decision.

While I definitely experienced all these types of thoughts, they didn’t cause a spiral into depression which I am grateful for.

Where I’m at now, 3 years later

I am still a little self conscious when taking off my shirt around others. 31 years of social training will take a little while to fight against. I have gone swimming in pools and the ocean with no shirt which was empowering. Looking down while showering is great. Doing skin to skin contact on my chest with my newborn kid was thrilling.

Once I did get back to working out and doing other activity, not having the wobble of my chest was amazing. One of the first things I noticed after that wobble was gone was the jiggle from my belly! It was a weird sensation but I quickly adjusted.

Every once in a while after I wake up in the morning my brain will remind me to grab a bra from my dresser, but then I laugh to myself when I go to open the drawer. T-shirts and button up shirts fit so much better now.

There was a point where I was wondering if I wanted a revision for what we affectionately call “the crinkle” in the middle of my chest between my scars. It would be free and the clinic was more than willing to set it up, but when it came time to booking the appointment I never followed through. I had started accepting what my chest looked like, and then grew to love it. It will never be a cis male chest since I am not a cis male, and that is ok.

Having a flat chest has greatly increased my general gender euphoria, and decreased my chest dysphoria down to nearly zero. My social dysphoria was also decreasing as my voice deepened and I grew a scraggly mustache. About 3 months after top surgery when I was healed a decent amount and not struggling with day to day activities I did notice a shift in dysphoria. The very blatant dysphoria of “you have breasts, everyone thinks you’re a girl” was pretty much gone, but my discomfort with my lower area (which I didn’t have much of before surgery) started ramping up to noticeable levels. This is also very common in trans guys – once the seemingly obvious problem gets dealt with, the focus moves to a more personal but just as glaring difference between what you were born with and what you should have.

As trans or GNC people, our dysphoria will likely never go completely away. There will be sudden surprising moments of “I wish my hands were a better size, they completely give me away as trans” or having to explain a different name on a credit application. But hopefully as time goes on, our gender euphoria and comfort with our bodies (surgically altered or not) will increase and those moments of dysphoria will be so much less devastating than they were at the beginning of transition. Having top surgery was life changing for me and provides so much gender euphoria armour against dysphoria frustrations, and I am grateful that I had the opportunity to pursue it.

I hope you found this 3 part series on top surgery helpful! If you are contemplating top surgery and have questions leave them in the comments below, or send an email to letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com.

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Reflections on Top Surgery, Part 2: Surgery

This will be mainly from my personal experience as a mostly binary trans man, but could easily be applied to non-binary/GNC people.

If you haven’t read Part 1: Pre-surgery, start there. To recap: I had a phone consultation with a privately funded top surgeon in Ontario, who gave me a surgery date 6 weeks later. I booked my time off from work as well as flights for me and my spouse, Meaghan Ray.

Last Minute Researching

While I had been looking at post-op trans guys for a while, and reading their stories of heading into surgery, suddenly it was going to be me in that position! I refocused my searches on what other people had found useful after surgery.

While there weren’t a lot of medical sites with information regarding top surgery for trans people, there was loads of information for people recovering from breast cancer surgery. Some of it was not quite relevant (what to do while waiting for breast reconstruction), but a lot of the advice on recovering from a long incision across your chest was useful.

The things I found most useful were button down pyjamas and shirts, as well as a neck pillow. Other items that seemed like they would be helpful but then I didn’t use were dry shampoo, body/baby wipes, and stool softeners (though I REALLY wish I had).

Arriving In Toronto

Since we were staying with family, we arrived a few days before surgery for a visit. Similar to when I was travelling for archery competitions, arriving and settling into a new location a little early allowed me to start mentally progressing towards acceptance and excitement.

I did some journaling at the time to help get rid of all the bees buzzing around in my head. I knew that I was super excited for the surgery, but there was now also the return of the anxiety of wondering if I had made the right choice. Everything I did was the last time before having a flat chest, and it felt important to remember those things, mundane as a lot of them were. “This is the last time I’ll be flying with a round chest” “This is the last time going to a cafe with a round chest”. So journaling helped with clearing my head a bit and helping me feel less chaotic.

Pre-op Appointment

The day before surgery I attended the clinic to see where it was, meet the surgeon face to face, and ask any last questions. The staff were great with pronouns, and the clinic seemed modern and clean. However, my appointment time was more than 2 hours behind schedule, and no one bothered to let me know. The only good thing about that is my anxiety completely burned itself out, and was only left with mild annoyance.

Meeting the surgeon was good, he was very respectful but clearly he had his method of doing the surgery and didn’t seem to be interested in what my desires were (similar to the surgeon back home). Despite those nagging worries, I was happy with the pictures I had seen of his results, and I was far too excited for a flat chest to let that slow me down. We drove the 90 minutes back home and settled in for a long evening of no sleep.

Day Of Surgery

Due to my sleep apnea they moved by appointment up to first thing in the morning. Once we arrived I changed into a gown and had the two clinic surgeons as well as a visiting surgeon draw the anatomical lines that would make sure everything ended up straight and proportional. It was a little awkward but clinical (“this is the last time a stranger will see my female chest”).

Everything happened fast after that. They got an IV started and I was off to the surgery suite, and next thing I knew I was waking up crying inconsolably with a pressure on my chest. I don’t know why I was crying, just that I couldn’t stop.

The surgeon came by briefly, but otherwise I felt very alone and disoriented. I was discharged fairly soon afterwards, but with fumbles from the staff leaving me unattended to have a panic attack in the bathroom, and while discharging me out a back door with minimum instructions. This left the experience feeling less than excellent.

Eventually we got back into the car and Meaghan Ray drove us home. According to them, I was frighteningly pale and very nauseous the whole way home but I don’t remember much of that. I do remember the neck pillow came in handy to keep the seatbelt off my new incisions.

First Couple Post-op Days

I was firmly ensconced in the bedroom for several days. The pain was manageable with medications, though I was fairly drowsy so I slept lots and watched lots of movies in bed.

My main complaint was the post-op compression binder used to keep the bandages tight to the incisions. My surgery included liposuction along my armpits and sides to prevent the dog ears that the Edmonton surgeon had mentioned. While that would allow for a more masculine appearance, those areas were not as numb as the incisions and were very tender against the binder. Meaghan Ray helped to modify the binder so that it would be more comfortable. I was told I would need to wear it for 4 weeks! Guess I would need to continue to deal with a binder even though I no longer had breasts. Argh.

Post-op Reveal

The day before flying home, I had a post-op appointment at the clinic where they would remove all the bandages and tapes. There are many videos on YouTube of transmen seeing their new chest for the first time where they elatedly collapse in happy tears and emotion.

My appointment was not like that. I mostly felt relieved to be free of the bandages, continued tiredness from recovery and pain medication, and a touch of feeling surreal. Luckily Meaghan Ray was there to capture the moment and feel excited for me, even if I couldn’t stir up those feelings very well.

Again we fell through the cracks while waiting to be fully discharged. We waited a respectable amount of time, and another 15 minutes on top of that. We finally had to sneak out into the hall where someone finally went “oh, I didn’t know you guys were still here!”

Everyone else who had surgery with this surgeon had nothing but good things to say about their experiences with this clinic, so it appears my experience was an anomaly. I believe most of their private pay clients stay at the hotel adjacent to the clinic so perhaps they were thrown off by me staying 90 minutes away?

I was (and still am) very happy with my results, though the experience itself was far from ideal.

Up Next

Now I got to take my new flat chest back home! I couldn’t wait to finally experience that gender euphoria around my friends, family and colleagues, when they would stop misgendering me since I now had a flat chest! Right?

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Postpartum Update: 5 Months

We’ve all seen the representations of postpartum people in media who are frustrated with not being able to lose ‘those last five pounds’ when they’re five weeks postpartum. Let me tell you now, this is not reality. At least not for me.

My body did a whole lot more during pregnancy and birth than just put on a few pounds. Therefore, my body finding it’s way to a new, stable normal is not all about losing weight. Maybe I’ll get back to my pre-pregnancy weight, maybe I won’t. But more importantly, what is my body capable of doing and how does it feel?

PHYSICAL ENDURANCE AND MOBILITY

If you followed along with my pregnancy journey, you’ll know that I had severe pelvic and back pain that meant I was using a walker for mobility by week 14. Immediately postpartum I was able to start taking my regular medication and the pain improved quickly. But the impact of six months of limited mobility doesn’t go away over night.

I had a lot of joint stiffness and residual associated pain. I had significant muscle weakness in certain muscle groups (and still do to some extent). And I had extremely limited cardiovascular and muscular endurance.

I have been working on all of these as much as I can (giving the limited extra energy when caring for a baby). Initially I was mostly doing slow easy stretching and gentle movement and short walks. More recently I have done cardio exercise in the form of climbing the stairs while wearing the baby, using my rowing machine, and going for fast paced walks, strengthening exercise while playing with the baby on the floor or using the baby as a weight, and endurance exercise in the form of longer walks at normal pace. I even went skating for the first time today!

Each time I try another activity or try to push myself I come up against a very sudden limit in strength or endurance. I’m going along enjoying the feel of my body moving when suddenly I have no power. My muscles turn to water and my joints cease. I slow down or take a break to stretch, and try to continue. Often I can get a bit more out of my body but at much lower intensity or poorer quality. And that’s ok. That’s just where I’m at. Every bit counts.

Even if I wasn’t trying to improve my strength and endurance, just the act of moving my body and expending positive energy makes me feel less antsy, more patient, happier, and more connected with myself in a positive way.

HORMONE FLUCTUATIONS

At around two and half months postpartum I started having similar symptoms to when I was taking fertility drugs and when I was immediately postpartum. Wooziness, light headed, foggy, weepy, laughter easily becoming hysterics. Yes, apparently this is normal.

There is a hormone shift at 2.5-3.5 months postpartum and again somewhere between 6 and 9 months postpartum. My hormones were taking the next step in leveling out. Ugh. Not looking forward to going through that again but hopefully the next wave of this will be the last.

OTHER SYMPTOMS

All birthing trauma has healed (I had nothing severe and no C-section).
Despite having low milk supply initially and now decreasing lactation, my period has not yet returned (yay!).
I had some increase in hair loss around the time of the hormone shift but nothing extreme and it seems to have leveled out.
My belly is still round in a more pregnancy like shape than my typical body shape but is down to about my early second trimester size.
I had many many stretch marks that have somewhat faded into a soft, saggy, pouch of excess skin below my belly.

EMOTIONAL EFFECTS

As I am now trying to figure out what being a parent means and often exhausted from caring for my baby, I am definitely not in the same place emotionally as I was pre-pregnancy and never will be and that’s fine. Becoming a parent changes you and I am embracing and navigating that change.

But there are emotional effects from the experience of being pregnant and giving birth that stuck with me for a while. A few weeks postpartum, when the extreme fatigue had worn off a bit, I started having mild panic attacks when I was lying in my bed trying to go to sleep because I would be transported to the moments when I was waiting for another contraction to happen. That lasted for a few nights but, with the help of my husband talking me through it, wore off and hasn’t returned.

Looking back on being pregnant, remembering how it felt, is extremely surreal. Even when I see pictures of myself when I was pregnant. I know that it happened to me, I can remember that it happened, but I have a very hard time actually feeling what it felt like at the time. My body just felt so different than it ever had before and than it does now.

I can remember little things, like what it felt like when my baby had hiccups, what different stages of contractions felt like, and what my baby helping along my contractions felt like. But the overall experience of being pregnant? What it felt like to move around? It is very vague and very surreal. And maybe that’s ok.

So have I ‘recovered’ from being pregnant? No. I don’t even know what that means. Pregnancy doesn’t feel like something I need to recover from. I’m not trying to re-create my pre-pregnancy body. And as debilitating as my pregnancy was, it wasn’t a negative experience.

I am five months postpartum and very happy with what my body is capable of doing these days. I will continue to be curious and fascinated by all the changes just as I was during pregnancy. It is a continuation of the process that began with pregnancy. It did not end at my baby’s birth and will not have reached a conclusion for many months yet. So here’s to the journey.

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Third Trimester and Weird Pregnancy Symptoms

I’m so close to the end of pregnancy! And the very sudden transition to parenthood. That’s not terrifying at all.

THIRD TRIMESTER

Third trimester has been all about coping as best as I can and preparing for life ahead. I have continued to have pelvic and back pain what has slowly gotten worse. I have a lot of difficulty rolling over in bed, getting out of bed in the morning, and moving around first thing (including getting to the bathroom). On the plus side, all the stiffness and pain I had in my neck, upper back, and ribs has resolved due to the increase in relaxin. If I wake up with a stiff neck it is gone within a couple hours.

And stiff necks are common since I have to sleep on an incline in order to avoid heartburn. I have to eat smaller meals, drink lots of water, often have something creamy like milk or ice cream after a more acidic meal, and occasionally take tums in order to keep heartburn away. I know lots of people have worse cases of heartburn than this so in this regard I feel pretty lucky.

As it is currently mid August, I do struggle with overheating (which happens to make heartburn worse as well). Pain also increases my body temperature. And when I overheat, I get woozy, dehydrated, nauseous, and very fatigued. So staying cool is important. I have taken to wearing a damp headband hanging around my neck (like having a damp towel on the back of your neck but it doesn’t fall off) and hanging out in the basement or air conditioned spaces as much as I need to on hot days. As the area I was working in had no air conditioning and routinely got up to 26 degrees C, I ended up going off work a couple weeks earlier than planned.

Mostly, my body feels heavy and painful and every movement or activity takes twice as much effort. I’m still trying to enjoy the aspects of pregnancy that I can while I still get to experience them but more and more I am looking forward to the end of this phase (at which point I am able to start taking naproxen again!).

Other than the physical aspects of the third trimester, this part of my pregnancy has been characterized by looking ahead and preparing for what’s to come. This started with learning about labour and birth and moved on to learning about feeding, baby care, and postpartum experiences. I created a birth plan (descriptions of each stage of labour and reminders of what might be helpful to me during each phase) and a to-do list to prepare for labour and postpartum. My husband and I have used our planned time off in advance of baby to get as much of this list done as we can.

People call this ‘nesting’. I think of it more as responsible urgency. You never know when the baby will make their appearance so getting useful preparations done early makes sense. It’s not that I feel the need to clean the whole house and sterilize every surface. In fact, that was nowhere on the list and I likely won’t have time or energy for it. But I do want to have the nursery ready, some frozen meals prepared, and a hospital to-go bag packed in advance.

I will give you an update of how our postpartum experience compared to what I expect and whether these preparations were helpful once life with a little one feels manageable. And of course, whatever gendery things are going on during that phase as well.

WEIRD PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS

Most of these have nothing to do with gender but I wanted to share some of the more strange symptoms I have experienced that I hadn’t heard about until I asked if others had similar experiences.

I have way more freckles, moles, and other little dark spots than I did before. They are mostly on my chest, shoulders, upper back, and arms. I had lots of these before being pregnant but I have way more now. Will they go away afterwards? I guess we’ll find out!

In the last few weeks I have found my skin to be hypersensitive, especially with repeated stimuli like while having a shower. I can tolerate the water hitting me for 5-8 minutes but then it starts to feel like pins and needles. Stiffer clothes or anything with a label in it is extremely irritating. Even the waistband of my underwear can make my skin itch or sting.

The outside surface of my belly feels almost numb. I have lots of stretch marks which might be related but I figure if I started out with a certain number of nerve endings and then my surface area expanded, I likely have fewer nerves per area of skin. My husband can touch me on the belly and if I don’t see it I won’t even know. One of the more common symptoms is an itchy belly (which I also have sometimes). I wonder if this is due to stretching, muscles getting ready for labour, or my brain’s way of filling in the sensation that I’m missing from that area being mostly numb. Either way, it’s definitely weird.

And lastly, I have grown a thin layer of dark hair all over my belly, a little bit on my chest, and I have long thick peach fuzz below my ears and down my neck and jaw a bit. While most people who are pregnant are disappointed, embarrassed, or weirded out by this, I love it. Unless I take testosterone in the future, this is likely the only time I will have belly, chest, and (kind of) facial hair. Unfortunately, people have said it goes away soon after pregnancy is done. This is one pregnancy symptom I wouldn’t mind keeping.

Are there any other weird pregnancy symptoms you’ve heard of or experienced? Did they interact with your gender at all? Leave a comment below and share your experiences!

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Staying Positive

The last few weeks of pregnancy are hard no matter what your experience is. You want it to be over but you’re nervous about the birthing process and having to care for the little being on the outside. It’s easy to get overwhelmed by frustration, discomfort, and anxiety, especially when dysphoria is thrown into the mix. So I’ve been asking myself a couple questions to keep myself focused on the positive and excited for the future. The answers to these questions will be different for everyone. Here are a few of my responses.

What am I going to miss about being pregnant (that I want to be fully present for while it’s still happening)?

Feeling the baby move
Feeling baby hiccups
Having a strong, visceral, automatic bond with this being
Being able to keep the baby fed, clean, and protected with my body
The extra fuzz around my face and hair on my belly and chest
The tenting effect of a shirt stretched out over my belly that hides my chest
- Also my chest feeling smaller in comparison to my much larger belly

What am I looking forward to once I’m not pregnant (not related to the baby because who knows what that will be like, just for myself)?

Wearing my wedding ring
Sleeping in any position
Less pain, allowing me to walk without a cane or walker
- Especially going for walks in nature with my husband and dog
Wearing my favourite clothes, especially underwear
Wearing a binder (eventually)
No more heartburn!

The other way to stay positive that works well for me is having a few key phrases that help me stay engaged and motivated despite constantly feeling uncomfortable. Again, these are very individual. What is helpful to me may not be to someone else but here are a few of the ones I’ve been using.

I am nonbinary, therefore my body is nonbinary, therefore my experience of pregnancy, birthing, and parenting is a nonbinary experience.
Stay cool and hydrated.
Rest when you need to but don’t give up on getting things done. Try again later or find a different way to do it.
Give the pets lots of attention and enjoy their cuddles.
Take it one day, one week at a time.
Every move the baby makes, no matter how uncomfortable, heavy, or nauseating, is a sign that they’re doing well.
Your body is capable of amazing things. Listen to what it’s telling you and believe in the wisdom it holds.

I hope this focus on positivity, excitement, and empowerment helps you find ways to strengthen those emotions for yourself as well. Hang in there. The world is a crazy place whether there are big changes in your near future or not.

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Second Trimester Part 2

GENDER

Not much has changed gender-wise since my last pregnancy update (see Second Trimester Part 1). Being more visibly pregnant leads to more female language and more dysphoria. I have been able to manage by finding clothes that are generally affirming (larger sports bras rather than maternity bras and larger and longer ‘men’s’ t-shirts rather than maternity tops) though I have had to switch to maternity pants with the fake button, tiny pockets, but comfortable belly band.

Most of the conversations I’m having about gender are related to the baby’s gender (though most people mean sex – see Gender vs Sex). I have been trying to correct people’s use of the terms gender and sex and trying to explain to people why it’s important that the baby’s sex doesn’t matter and encouraging them to challenge their own conditioning about automatically asking about it. Most of the time I don’t have the energy for these conversations or the context isn’t conducive to this kind of conversation ie a stranger asking about the baby’s ‘gender’ in passing (yes, this happens frequently). The longer conversations I have had with friends and co-workers, when my response is received well, often segue into a conversation about trans identities, identity vs presentation, and sometimes even my own identity as nonbinary. So, while the question ‘What are you having?’ is very frustrating and mildly triggering, it has helped me come out to more people in a round-about way.

PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS

I am still struggling with pain in my hips, pelvis, back, ribs, and occasional other joints. The worsening of this pain has slowed down with the sedentary duties at work and use of a walker or cane to get around. Other symptoms (heartburn, overheating, vivid dreams) are generally easy to manage.

The coolest thing is the baby movement. Hiccups are the cutest – a rhythmic little thump in one spot that someone else can feel from the outside. The kicks, elbows, knees, and punches range from interesting to surprising to painful. The squirming can be weird and nauseating but is also pretty cool how much it changes the shape of my belly and how visible it is from the outside. All these sensations remind me that I have a little human growing inside me. It is pretty amazing what my body can do.

THE MENTAL GAME

As I enter the third trimester of pregnancy, I have been doing a lot of thinking ahead to, and learning about labour, birth, and the postpartum experience. We have been taking prenatal classes (over Zoom of course) and I have been reading lots of books. The best one that I’ve found by far is called The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin. It’s on it’s fifth edition and is written using predominantly gender neutral language – birthing person/labouring person, partner/support person, breast/chest feeding. While it’s aimed at the support person rather than the birthing person, I have found it very straightforwardly informative and affirming.

Learning about and preparing for the big scary experiences and changes ahead is my way of making them feel more manageable and less scary. I’m not generally an anxious person so I’m unlikely to make myself more scared by learning more. However, thinking about the future definitely takes my focus away from experiencing the moment, experiencing pregnancy to the fullest as it happens. So I’m trying to find a balance between the two by enjoying as many aspects of pregnancy as I can while managing the rest and preparing for the future.

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