GENDER
I have stayed close to the middle of the gender spectrum over the past few months with some fluctuations towards the female side. This has made me feel balanced and stable within my gender, much more so than last time (see Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Gender).
But as I predicted, dysphoria has definitely gotten worse since telling people I’m pregnant and starting to show. The belly is not really an issue though it is the thing that people use to identify me as pregnant and then start treating me more femininely. Referring to my belly or the fact that I’m pregnant with typically feminine terms definitely increases my social dysphoria and feelings of invisibility.
Worse than the belly is the bra shopping and maternity clothes. Nothing makes top dysphoria worse than your breasts out-growing your bras every couple months. Unfortunately, I have some swelling that could get significantly worse with taping and rib pain that makes binding impossible.
I’m sure both physical and social dysphoria will get worse as I get closer to my due date. Unfortunately, with this social distancing we are all living with at the moment (due to COVID-19), I have less access to the various forms of support I’ve be building for myself over the last nine months (various queer discussion and support groups in my area and a bi-monthly queer games group).
PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS
I have considerably more energy than I did at the end of the first trimester. I have just started getting heartburn. So far I don’t have any swelling in my legs though I have been congested in the evenings and overnight for a few weeks.
Mostly, my joint pain has gotten considerably worse. For most pregnant people, this is a symptom that comes on later in pregnancy with the increased weight and change in posture. But for people with underlying inflammatory or connective tissue disorders/conditions, their symptoms can get considerably worse earlier on in pregnancy. This has been the case for me.
As of mid-March, I have been using a walker when out of the house. Most of the time I can walk around the house without a cane but sometimes I need it in the evenings. I have rib and neck pain, my knees ache, and my wrists, elbows, and shoulders are slowly getting worse the more I have to rely on them to support me when I’m walking.
Needless to say, my role at work has changed and my ability to contribute to household chores has decreased significantly in the last few weeks. I am trying to find creative ways to do things or shift roles to ones I can manage easier even if it’s not something I typically enjoy doing.
The lack of mobility is frustrating but feeling useless or like I’m just getting in the way is worse. I don’t mind having to use gait aids (it is part of my job to encourage people who would benefit from them to use them) but it is hard to deal with the reason I need the walker or cane – the constant but fluctuating pain. Looking ahead to another six months of this as it slowly gets worse is extremely difficult.
I am trying to stay positive and say ‘at least it’s for a good cause’ and ‘at least I know it will have an end point’ but I’d like to be able to enjoy the process of being pregnant, at least a little bit. Maybe once I am consistently feeling the baby move and able to share that with my husband I will feel more connected to the positive side of this process.
For now, I will keep taking it one day at a time, do the best I can, and take breaks when I need to.
How did your experience of your gender change as your body changed with pregnancy? What physical symptoms did you have to contend with?