No, this is not a ‘gender’ reveal post.
First of all, what I would be revealing is the sex of my baby, not the gender. We can find out the sex of our babies before they are born based on seeing their genitalia on an ultrasound or having a genetic test done that tells us their chromosomal makeup. Both of these are markers of sex, not gender.
The whole concept of finding out the sex ignores the existence of intersex conditions and identities. The idea that we automatically know the baby’s gender based on their sex markers ignores the existence of trans and non-binary identities. So every time someone asks me what the gender of my baby is, it feels like an erasure of mine and my husband’s identities, even if the person asking doesn’t realize it or mean it that way.
We can assume that the baby will be cisgender (that their gender will match their sex) which is statistically more likely than the baby being trans, but we will not know their gender for sure until they are old enough to express it to us.
This is what goes through my mind when people ask me “What are you having?” or “Are you finding out?” or “Do you know the gender?” So of course, there is a long pause while I decide whether I want to educate, be snarky, or bite my tongue and play along with the social routine.
Is it worth the energy and vulnerability to educate people on why this question feels inappropriate to me? Am I in a safe environment to out myself or my husband in order to illustrate the point? Can I educate them well enough, with enough impact, without outing either of us? The mental and emotional gymnastics to figure out whether to challenge them on their assumptions behind the question are exhausting on their own.
Most of the time I answer the “What are you having?” question with “A baby” or if I’m feeling snarky, “Well, I’m not having a puppy…” If they ask if we’re finding out the gender, I usually say “Yes, we already have but we’re not telling anyone” even though it hurts me a bit to reaffirm their ignorance instead of contradicting it. Occasionally I’ll reply “You mean the sex?” or “Well, we found out the sex but the kid will have to tell us their gender when they figure it out for themself.” If you’re in a similar situation, hopefully these variations of answers give you some options when you don’t have the energy or safety to educate.
We decided to find out the sex of the baby before birth so that we would have time to process what it would mean to counteract societal influences, stereotypes, and our own preconceptions in order to raise them in as gender-expansive a way as possible. We decided not to tell anyone else the sex of the baby because we don’t trust everyone else to do the same work without our direct influence so the longer we can force those around us to think of the child as gender neutral the better.
As I have talked about in a previous post (Thinking Ahead to Parenting as a Non-Binary Person), we will be using the pronouns associated with their sex assigned at birth (or before birth in most cases nowadays). It would be too challenging for both of us to fight for neutral pronouns when the likelihood is that the child will be cis-gender. We will be giving our child every opportunity to explore and be exposed to all aspects of gender identity, presentation, and expression. We will be having open conversations about all aspects of gender and sex as they become relevant. We’ll see how this goes!
How do you respond to questions about finding out your child’s ‘gender’? Did you find out your child’s sex in advance of birth? Have you taken any specific steps to raise your child(ren) in a gender-expansive way? Please share in the comments! I’d love to hear your experiences.