Whether you are in a relationship or have a close friend or family member that you rely on for support, prioritizing time with them is especially important if you are questioning your gender or transitioning.
Any exploration or change in our gender identity and presentation is a big change that very much affects the people around us. Close relationships only remain close if we keep communicating to understand how each person is changing and growing so we can support or adjust as needed.
From my experience during my husband’s transition and my own gender exploration, I discovered there are a few different types of quality time that serve different purposes. We were not always good at using out together time to the best advantage but we definitely got better at it over time out of necessity. Hopefully, by sharing our experience, I can help you skip the muddling through process and keep your relationships strong right from the start.
TALKING TIME
Setting aside time to share how each of you is doing or discuss new thoughts and emotions is the most important. These conversations can take a lot of energy but they are the core of what will maintain your mutual understanding and support.
These conversations can be intense, draining, and difficult. Here are some ideas you can try that might make them easier:
- Schedule a regular check-in time that includes self care strategies before and/or after (journaling, exercise, creative expression, time in nature, etc).
- Have these talks in a safe and isolated environment such as the bedroom (ie pillow talk), the car, or when you’re out for a walk together.
- Write down some notes in advance if you get easily emotionally overwhelmed and have difficulty expressing yourself or staying present in the conversation.
- Request a conversation to give the other person some warning. If this is helpful but also makes them anxious with wondering what it’s about, you can use a shorthand to define the parameters – Is it a you thing, me thing, or us thing? What is the general topic? Is it a big thing, a medium thing, or a small thing?
- Try NOT to think of these conversations as a one-off for any topic. It’s important that you have a chance to come back to anything you have discussed previously to delve deeper, clarify or adjust how you explained yourself or how you understood each other, or to have another opportunity to explore, express, or process the same emotions or situation.
ACTIVITY TIME
Spending time doing something that you mutually enjoy is also really important. This is a way to take a break from the gender based conversations and maintain your bond based on previous activities. You can choose activities that are not inherently gender based or dysphoria inducing or agree to not discuss gender based topics during the course of a particular activity or day.
These activities may need to be adjusted somewhat if they trigger dysphoria. Be self-aware and honest about this. Sacrificing your well-being and hiding your discomfort defeats the purpose of doing something you both enjoy to strengthen the relationship. Finding new ways to enjoy the things you bonded over will initially take a bit of effort, communication, and time, but the pay-off is well worth it.
EXPLORATION TIME
Maybe you are exploring your gender and need a sounding board, someone to go shopping with, or someone to be your safety buddy when trying out a new presentation in public for the first time. Maybe you have started hormones or are having surgery and your body and emotions are changing and your partner or close support person needs time to explore these changes with you so they can get used to them.
These moments of exploration can happen spontaneously or be part of a planned activity. They are particularly important for intimate relationships but are also helpful for other close relationships.
Some examples of this are when I would feel my husband’s facial hair as it grew in or ran my hands down his chest when he was wearing a binder or post top surgery to get used to the change, or when we took a vacation trip where we explored different names and pronouns for him.
The exploration time is mutually beneficial. It can help the transitioning person be more confident in exploring something new or doing something scary. It can also be euphoric for the transitioning person and help them see their partner/support person being curious and making the effort to adjust. And of course, it includes the partner/support person in the transition process, helps them adjust their mental image of the transitioning person, and adjust to new changes.
SHARING SPACE
Sometimes all you need is to be in the same space together. You can be doing completely different things and not talking to each other at all, but just feeling the other person’s presence can be a balm against the irritation, frustration, and exhaustion from interacting with the rest of the world and navigating transition.
Acknowledging each other’s presence in small ways helps strengthen the value of this time. Whether it’s staying within view, checking in with each other with a look, a touch, or a few words, or sharing some aspect of the space while you’re doing different things (ie listening to the same music or watching the same TV show), this helps turn two people doing separate activities into quality time.
I hope these descriptions of different types and purposes of together time help you be more purposeful and effective with maintaining strong relationships during transition or other big life changes.
If you have other suggestions for together time, please leave a comment below! I’d love to hear from you.