Month: October 2019

Talking About Your Gender Identity: When, Why, and How

Talking about your gender identity can be hard, draining, scary, and even jeopardize your safety. But it can also be hugely rewarding, allowing you to be open, honest, more comfortable, find the support you need, as well as educate others.

So how do you decide if it’s worth having those conversations? How do you know when the right time is? And how do you actually start the conversation or respond to a probing question?

The first and most important factor is safety. What risk is there to your safety, stability, and well-being, either physical, emotional, or financial, if the other person’s response is poor? Have you taken steps to protect yourself, provide alternatives, or ensure time to heal afterwards if their support is withdrawn or they become a threat? Are there other people around who might overhear that you would prefer not to tell?

You will always have fear with big conversations. We all do, no matter what the difficult topic is. But when you no longer want fear to stop you, that doesn’t mean you should simply ignore it and forge ahead. Fear is there for a reason and listening to it and taking steps to mitigate the risks as much as possible before opening that door is always a good idea. You will never feel 100% safe or be free of fear so at some point you have to decide you have taken as many steps to protect yourself as you can and press on.

The next thing that you might want to think about is your expectations for having the conversation. What do you want the result to be? What toll will it take on you? Is the outcome worth the cost? Do you expect an immediate response or are you planning to provide information for the other person/people to think about before responding? Knowing what you want the outcome to be and combining that with a realistic view of what is likely, given what you know about the people you are talking to, will help you steer the conversation in the direction you want and know when to back out.

The emotional cost of these conversations will be highest when you are talking to someone who is close to you and has high emotional impact or someone who has control over an area of your life where a negative response could have disastrous consequences. Something that might help you weather the hardest conversations is practicing with less intense versions. Tell friends or more distant family members first. This will give you a chance to find the right words, respond to questions and reactions, and learn how much of a toll it takes on you.

You can support yourself emotionally in a few different ways:

  • Make sure you feel as comfortable as possible in your own skin at the time of the conversation.
    • The more confidence you have the better so do whatever it takes to feel your best.
  • Have a friend or support system on standby to spend time with or be in touch with after the conversation.
    • Having the opportunity to debrief with someone you trust can help you process the outcome and implications of the conversation.
  • Build in some self-care time in the 24 hours after the conversation.
    • Journaling, creating, exercising, being in nature, doing something you enjoy can all help you regain a sense of balance and get back in touch with the core of who you are if you feel overwhelmed or thrown off kilter by the conversation.

These conversations are never easy. You can have them face to face right from the start or break the ice with an email or letter before following up face to face. You can figure out exactly who you are and what you want to say before talking to anyone or you can start having difficult conversations while you are still figuring things out (just be sure to be clear that it is an ongoing process and things might change). You can set a specific time with the person to talk about ‘something important’ or you can play it by ear and bring it up if there’s an easy segue. Leaving it to chance means the conversation has a high likelihood of not happening so if you’ve built yourself up to it and feel as prepared as you can be, setting a specific time or coming right out with it might be a better option.

If the topic comes up and presents you with a useful opening, always take a moment to consciously decide if you do want to talk about anything personal. How much do you want to disclose? Who is around? Is it a safe environment? Do you have the emotional reserve for this conversation right now? Will you have the opportunity to recover later? Would you decide to tell this person even if the opportunity didn’t present itself?

Because the conversations are so hard to initiate, we can sometimes feel like if the opportunity presents itself we should take it. But you should never feel pressured to disclose anything about your gender identity, even if the pressure is as mild as a good segue.

I promise these conversations get easier with time and practice. They are never without some risk and some cost to you but don’t let that stop you! I believe in you. I know you can do it.

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Explaining Dysphoria to Cis People

Explaining what dysphoria feels like to cis people is always difficult. In order to try to understand they relate it to their own experiences of discomfort with body image or not fitting the stereotypes for their gender. While these experiences are generally in the right ballpark, they are still not the same as dysphoria.

Here are some of the phrases I have found that help:

  • Wearing an ill-fitting piece of clothing that you can’t take off
  • Constantly having an itch that you can’t scratch or that gets worse when you try
  • Having pins and needles that range from annoying to distracting to uncomfortable to painful
  • Not recognizing yourself when you look in the mirror
  • Feeling queasy when you see/touch/pay attention to a particular area of your body
  • Feeling like a part of your body does not really belong to you
  • Feeling like ants are crawling all over your skin
  • Feeling like you want to peel your skin off

When trying to describe the impact of dysphoria:

  • Constantly having part of your mind focused on something uncomfortable that is out of your control
  • Feeling like you’ve been pinched every time you are misgendered by someone who doesn’t know any better (someone who you are not out to)
  • Feeling like you’ve been punched every time you are misgendered by someone who you’ve told to use other pronouns
  • Feeling invisible or like the only parts of you that people see are the ones that don’t feel right to you
  • Feeling like you have to pull yourself inwards so that you take up even less space than your physical body does
  • Wishing you could escape your body or other people’s view of you for a few minutes, or an hour, or a day
  • Causing you to hyper-focus on the areas of your body that do not fit with your gender identity/are the cause of other’s misgendering you
  • Obsessing over ways to alleviate the dysphoria either temporarily or permanently

It can be very difficult to understand an experience that you yourself have never had and likely will never have. But the important thing to remember is you don’t need to fully understand it to believe that what the person is describing is true to their experience or respect their identity by using their correct name and pronouns.

We often need help to fight the thoughts that arise from dysphoria. This does not mean we need someone to tell us that our body is fine, that they don’t think of us as ‘a girl’ or ‘a boy’, or that we shouldn’t feel the need to make permanent changes. The fact often is that our body or the way we are addressed socially DOES feel wrong and we do want to make changes. What we don’t need to be thinking is that we are somehow lesser or incomplete or unworthy of love because we don’t fit with society’s expectations of our gender.

The most harmful effects of dysphoria are the thoughts that we are wrong or broken or gross or incomplete and that the only way to fix ourselves or find love (either from ourselves or others) is to conform to society’s expectations. What we need is the space to figure out and pursue the treatment and support we need to change or adjust our bodies and the way we are addressed in society to diminish the dysphoria and feel as much congruity as possible.

I hope this helps you find the words you need to explain dysphoria to the cis people in your life or, if you are a cis person, helps you understand the experiences of the trans people in your life.

What phrases have you found that help you describe dysphoria to cis people? Leave me a comment below and I will add them to the list above!

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Passing as Nonbinary

‘Passing’ refers to blending in with societies norms and expectations for your gender. This includes presentation (clothes, facial and body hair, accessories, makeup, etc), voice, roles/interests, and mannerisms. The expectations for a specific gender will be different in different cultures and at different times in history but they are always present.

Not everyone wants to pass. However, it is often easier to get by in life, not to mention safer, if you do pass. Some trans people feel tremendous pressure to pass both from society at large and from within the community and feel that if they don’t pass they are failing as a trans person or that their preferred gender isn’t as valid.

It is an unfortunate reality that people who don’t ‘pass’ as well, whether due to genetics or the stage of transition they are in, often have a harder time getting people to use the correct name and pronouns and take their identity seriously. They experience more stigma, more confusion, and have to stand up for themselves a lot more often.

So what about non-binary people? The concept of passing requires the society we live in to have a specific set of expectations for a particular gender. But what if they don’t even recognize that gender? When it comes to non-binary people, they don’t have expectations. Not because it’s such a big category (which it is) but because people in general don’t walk down the street and identify strangers as non-binary the way they do when they see a stranger and think ‘man’ or ‘woman’.

In my experience, this means that non-binary people get grouped in with the binary gender that they most closely fit the expectations for. Depending on how they present and interact, they could be identified as male or female in different situations or on different days. Or they might be consistently gendered one way or the other. Regardless, there is rarely a time when a stranger will automatically gender someone as ‘unknown’ or ‘neutral’ or ‘non-binary’ until explicitly told. And even then, it is still difficult to get people to recognize and respect non-binary identities.

So does the concept of passing not even apply to non-binary people? Maybe. Or maybe there is a different way to look at it. Maybe ‘passing’ for non-binary people is getting an equal amount of time being gendered as female and male (or whatever proportion feels right for you). Maybe it’s getting confused looks and making people second guess themselves or stumble over their pronouns and honorifics.

This means that, while passing for binary trans people is safer than not passing, passing as non-binary will actually be less safe and potentially cause the person to experience more stigma than if they are a non-binary person who passes as one of the binary genders (and has difficulty getting recognized as non-binary). Being constantly gendered one way might be more uncomfortable and less authentic but it would be safer.

I will likely be gendered as female my whole life which will be a continual struggle. The times when I get gendered as male feel surprising and amazing. The times when I make people confused about my gender and how to refer to me make me feel authentic and uncomfortable. Maybe I will get used to their discomfort with my identity and let go of the need to solve it for them. Regardless, it is a strange mix of experiences. Especially when compared to the consistently positive emotions that my husband experienced as testosterone took effect and he started passing much better as male.

For me, passing just isn’t a concept that relates to my experience as a non-binary or genderqueer person. It is a concept that I witnessed through my husband’s experience and a concept I understand thoroughly, but not one that seems to hold any meaning for my own identity or place in the world.

Until society builds a concept of what a non-binary person is (beyond the narrow AFAB skinny white androgynous aesthetic that the queer community leans towards), there is nothing to compare myself to in order to ‘pass’ as non-binary. Regardless, I prefer to be myself, wear what makes me comfortable, and blend in when I need to for safety or mental health. I refuse to feel guilty or less valid as a non-binary person simply because I pass as female (whether I want to or not).

What is your experience with passing? What does ‘passing’ mean to you? Leave me a comment below with your experiences. I’d love to hear from you.

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Lost and Found in Transition

LOST IN TRANSITION

With any change comes a letting go of what was and a discovery of what could be. This is the process of grieving. It can be overwhelming.

As changes go, gender transition is one of the biggest. Some losses are forever. Some are temporary. Some are hard. Some are easy.

  • Straightforward medical care
  • Access
  • Fertility
  • Familiarity
  • Safety
  • Security
  • Global travel
  • Friends
  • Family
  • Relationships
  • Relatability

Not everything you lose is negative. Some things that you lose are harder to recognize but should be celebrated.

  • Confusion
  • Pain
  • Boxes
  • Tension
  • Anger
  • Anxiety
  • Walls
  • Ignorance

Grief allows you to make room for new and meaningful things. Change is growth. Processing what you have lost allows you to recognize what you have found.

FOUND IN TRANSITION

With any change comes many new things. As changes go, gender transition is one of the biggest.

Some changes you want. Some you just have to deal with.

Some are sudden and turn you upside down. Some you see coming forever. Some you only see in hindsight.

Some happen slowly whether you want them to or not. Some happen fast and force you to adapt.

  • Puberty 2.0
  • Body shape
  • Medications
  • Scars
  • Euphoria
  • Confidence
  • Community
  • Support
  • Deeper understanding
  • Pride
  • New identity
  • Openness

Big changes bring lots of new things. These are the building blocks of who you are and who you will be. Understand, accept, and celebrate the new things big and small.

This is the first zine I have created! Hope you like it. Find me on instagram @meaghan.ray.peters to see a video of what the zine looks like in full!

As always, please leave a comment below to tell me what you think!

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