Having dysphoria can be an all-consuming experience. Especially when it first starts, when you first identify it as dysphoria, or when it shifts. If the dysphoria is stable over a longer period of time, it is somewhat easier to ignore and manage but even then, there are days when it is all-consuming.
Dysphoria causes obsession about little things that no one else would care about. You might brush off their concern or minimize it but this doesn’t give them the validation they need and can result in more obsessing.
Dysphoria can make it difficult to communicate their identity, needs, and wishes to others in a way that will be understood. It is so all-consuming that it makes it difficult to step out of their current experience and see things from another person’s perspective. So they end up using language that other people don’t understand or skipping over basic concepts that others haven’t grasped yet. This leads to more confusion and frustration and leaves them with even less energy and motivation to try to communicate the next time.
Because of the level of obsession on new areas of their body and new behaviours, it can seem like there has been a big change in their personality with the onset of dysphoria. This isn’t necessarily true, it’s just that the dysphoria is taking up all the person’s attention and focus and they aren’t able to express the parts of themself that you are used to seeing or engage in the activities they used to enjoy with as much ease.
The dysphoria induced self-obsession can come across as lack of caring for others or a lack of awareness of others. This is something that should be communicated in a caring and understanding way that acknowledges the impact of dysphoria but looks for ways to help the person cope by focusing their attention outside their body and strengthening supportive relationships.
The onset of dysphoria can seem sudden to those around them. They have been obsessing about it internally for a long time and have a lot of internal pressure built up. Coming out gives them permission to talk about dysphoria and the obsessions that it causes for the first time. This can seem like a sudden onset of dysphoria and a sudden shift to being egocentric to the people around them.
Sometimes, people have a tendency to refer everything back to dysphoria or use dysphoria as an excuse – ‘if you only knew how it felt you wouldn’t say that’ or ‘oh I can’t do that because the dysphoria is so bad’. Dysphoria can be so all-consuming that it can be hard to tell when something else might actually be at fault – burnout from work, relationship stress, financial stress, fatigue from not enough sleep, changes in meds, having a cold, etc. Sometimes it takes an outside view from a supportive person that is close to them to help them differentiate what is dysphoria and what is something else that should be addressed differently.
You might have difficulty getting along with someone who experiences dysphoria because they may be more emotionally volatile or have unknown or shifting triggers. They may have a lack of interest in things they used to enjoy including things you used to do together because of the new focus on ‘solving’ the dysphoria. Try to be understanding and supportive but take care of your own needs and emotional well being too.
TIPS FOR DYSPHORIC PEOPLE
- Use self talk to combat the skewed perspective that the hyper awareness creates.
- Find activities to do that don’t trigger dysphoria that will help you get out of your head.
- Remember that people who do not experience dysphoria will not remember that you do or understand how much it can effect you. Try to be understanding of their ignorance and explain gently. Getting angry with them when they do not automatically realize when you are feeling dysphoric will not help to keep your relationship with them as a source of support.
- Make sure to express your appreciation and caring for the supportive people around you.
- Find a therapist. Your support people cannot support you and be your therapist. They will get burned out and no longer be able to support you appropriately.
- Find concrete ways to manage your dysphoria that require the least amount of time and effort so that you have more time to spend with those you care about.
- If your dysphoria shifts, try tracking it to give you a better idea of what causes the shifts and help you predict when it will happen.
TIPS FOR SUPPORTING DYSPHORIC PEOPLE
- Build a list of words, activities, and situations that trigger the trans person’s dysphoria so you are more likely to understand when they react negatively at those times.
- Understand that getting the dysphoric person to explain their dysphoria to you, especially at times when they are dysphoric, will be hard and often makes their dysphoria worse. Look for other resources to learn what dysphoria can feel like and how to recognize it.
- Help the trans person focus on something external that is less likely to trigger dysphoria or encourage them to engage in their self-care activities. They won’t always remember to use self-care strategies at times when they need them the most so external reminders can help.
- Find sources of support for yourself other than the dysphoric person – a therapist, friends that might understand, community groups and support such as PFLaG, or online resources.
Living with dysphoria is an ongoing struggle and is different for everyone. Talk to each other, be as open and honest as you can, and find the support you need.
What is your experience of dysphoria or supporting someone with dysphoria? What other tips do you have that I should add to the list?
Let me know in the comments below!