Month: September 2019

Misgendering is More Than Name and Pronouns

The most basic way to respect a trans person is by using their preferred name and pronouns whenever and wherever they have requested you do so. But there is much more to respecting someone’s gender than simply using the correct name and pronouns.

Most of the time, when we are talking directly to someone, we don’t use their name and pronouns. It’s only when we refer to them in third person or talk about something that happened in the past, and often this is when the person isn’t present. But there are other gendered terms that we often use directly to a person or a group of people that can either be damaging or affirming. This includes ladies, gentlemen, ma’am, sir, girl, dude, bro, etc.

In general, it is a good idea to avoid gendered language as much as possible. You cannot assume someone’s gender based on how they look, what they were assigned at birth, or what someone else may have told you. So using gender neutral or inclusive language is a good habit to get into.

As someone who works in a female dominated work environment, I hear these terms a lot. It is more likely that I will be hanging out with a woman. This makes it particularly easy for people to say ‘hey ladies’ or ‘thanks ladies’.

For me, having people use my birth name and she/her pronouns when I’m feeling more neutral or male is not nearly as uncomfortable as hearing other types of gendered language. The words that are the most uncomfortable when applied to me are things like girl, ladies, and ma’am.

Despite being genderfluid, there are no days that those specifically female terms feel good to me. Conversely, male-gendered language almost always feels good to me. At the same time, female pronouns generally feel ok where male pronouns would feel weird. So if I use female pronouns and all other gendered terms are male, it would be a way that both aspects of my gender could be recognized without changing my name and pronouns.

Since they/them pronouns feel good 100% of the time, that would be ideal. But I recognize that using they/them is difficult for many people and impossible as an expectation for strangers. So instead, I’ve been asking people to focus on avoiding the rest of the female gendered language that they typically would use.

So far, those conversations have been going well. I provide them with alternatives such as folks, friend, guys, everyone, or even some more masculine terms such as bro, dude, man, etc. When they slip up, I find it much easier to correct this type of gendered language than name and pronouns (at times when I’ve specified other ones). And since it feels consistently worse to hear those terms, I feel like I am having a much stronger impact on my day to day comfort with this strategy.

Does being misgendered by gendered language feel different to you than being misgedered by your name and pronouns? Did people have an easier time with adjusting these other terms or using a different name and pronouns after you came out? Let me know in the comments below!

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Name Options

Picking a new name is a quintessential part of gender transition. But not every trans person feels the need to change their name. Some are perfectly comfortable with their given name. Some have more than one name and use different ones depending on how they feel or who they’re with. This is my experience.

Meaghan

Meaghan is my given name and is not particularly gender neutral. But this doesn’t automatically mean I am uncomfortable with it. Most of the time, it feels like this name fits me. Even if I’m feeling more male, Meaghan still feels like it represents at least half of who I am so it doesn’t particularly feel wrong, just not wholly representative.

Ray

Ray is the name that I have always associated with the male part of my identity. At times when I am feeling more male than female, this name feels better than Meaghan. However, as a gender fluid person, there are many times when Ray would not feel comfortable so at the moment, legally or socially changing my name to Ray does not feel like a good option.

Meaghan Ray

This is my most preferred version of my name. I think of my name as being both Meaghan and Ray, almost as though it was hyphenated. I am considering changing my middle name to Ray so that it would appear this way on my documents. I have tried introducing myself using both names but everyone either thinks Ray is my last name and just uses Meaghan or just shortens it for ease unless I take the time to correct them or specify that I go by both names. But I am getting better at making it clear how I want to be referred to. And just knowing in my head that this name represents the whole of who I am, and especially knowing that this is how my husband thinks of me, is hugely helpful.

Meaghan With Occasional Ray

This is where I’m at right now. I typically go by Meaghan but use Ray in certain circles (ie with queer friends). The times when I get to use Ray are a breath of fresh air. They help me feel balanced. They help me feel seen. At times when I feel more male but I’m being called Meaghan, I can look forward to the next time I’ll be around friends who call me Ray.

Gender Neutral Alternative

For a while, I searched for either a way to combine Meaghan and Ray into a new name that was gender neutral or find a completely different name that would feel good more consistently than either one. But the more I searched, the more confident I became that these names are who I am. There are two separate parts of me and having two different names makes sense. Sure, navigating how I want to be identified is harder and more confusing for everyone around me but this is who I am. As I spend more time exploring my identity and building confidence, I get better and better at asking people to use the name that feels best at the time and correcting them when they get it wrong, just like with pronouns.

Just because you are trans does not mean you have to change your name. You can keep the one you were born with, use a different one occasionally, or combine two names if that feels best. If you are someone that feels perfectly content with your name even though you are not comfortable with your gender assigned at birth, this does not invalidate your identity or experience. I hope that sharing my experience with my names has helped give you more confidence with yours.

Please leave a comment below with your experience with names. Did you change yours, add a new part to it, or stick with the same one? I’d love to hear from you.

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The Egocentricity of Dysphoria

Having dysphoria can be an all-consuming experience. Especially when it first starts, when you first identify it as dysphoria, or when it shifts. If the dysphoria is stable over a longer period of time, it is somewhat easier to ignore and manage but even then, there are days when it is all-consuming.

Dysphoria causes obsession about little things that no one else would care about. You might brush off their concern or minimize it but this doesn’t give them the validation they need and can result in more obsessing.

Dysphoria can make it difficult to communicate their identity, needs, and wishes to others in a way that will be understood. It is so all-consuming that it makes it difficult to step out of their current experience and see things from another person’s perspective. So they end up using language that other people don’t understand or skipping over basic concepts that others haven’t grasped yet. This leads to more confusion and frustration and leaves them with even less energy and motivation to try to communicate the next time.

Because of the level of obsession on new areas of their body and new behaviours, it can seem like there has been a big change in their personality with the onset of dysphoria. This isn’t necessarily true, it’s just that the dysphoria is taking up all the person’s attention and focus and they aren’t able to express the parts of themself that you are used to seeing or engage in the activities they used to enjoy with as much ease.

The dysphoria induced self-obsession can come across as lack of caring for others or a lack of awareness of others. This is something that should be communicated in a caring and understanding way that acknowledges the impact of dysphoria but looks for ways to help the person cope by focusing their attention outside their body and strengthening supportive relationships.

The onset of dysphoria can seem sudden to those around them. They have been obsessing about it internally for a long time and have a lot of internal pressure built up. Coming out gives them permission to talk about dysphoria and the obsessions that it causes for the first time. This can seem like a sudden onset of dysphoria and a sudden shift to being egocentric to the people around them.

Sometimes, people have a tendency to refer everything back to dysphoria or use dysphoria as an excuse – ‘if you only knew how it felt you wouldn’t say that’ or ‘oh I can’t do that because the dysphoria is so bad’. Dysphoria can be so all-consuming that it can be hard to tell when something else might actually be at fault – burnout from work, relationship stress, financial stress, fatigue from not enough sleep, changes in meds, having a cold, etc. Sometimes it takes an outside view from a supportive person that is close to them to help them differentiate what is dysphoria and what is something else that should be addressed differently.

You might have difficulty getting along with someone who experiences dysphoria because they may be more emotionally volatile or have unknown or shifting triggers. They may have a lack of interest in things they used to enjoy including things you used to do together because of the new focus on ‘solving’ the dysphoria. Try to be understanding and supportive but take care of your own needs and emotional well being too.

TIPS FOR DYSPHORIC PEOPLE

  • Use self talk to combat the skewed perspective that the hyper awareness creates.
  • Find activities to do that don’t trigger dysphoria that will help you get out of your head.
  • Remember that people who do not experience dysphoria will not remember that you do or understand how much it can effect you. Try to be understanding of their ignorance and explain gently. Getting angry with them when they do not automatically realize when you are feeling dysphoric will not help to keep your relationship with them as a source of support.
  • Make sure to express your appreciation and caring for the supportive people around you.
  • Find a therapist. Your support people cannot support you and be your therapist. They will get burned out and no longer be able to support you appropriately.
  • Find concrete ways to manage your dysphoria that require the least amount of time and effort so that you have more time to spend with those you care about.
  • If your dysphoria shifts, try tracking it to give you a better idea of what causes the shifts and help you predict when it will happen.

TIPS FOR SUPPORTING DYSPHORIC PEOPLE

  • Build a list of words, activities, and situations that trigger the trans person’s dysphoria so you are more likely to understand when they react negatively at those times.
  • Understand that getting the dysphoric person to explain their dysphoria to you, especially at times when they are dysphoric, will be hard and often makes their dysphoria worse. Look for other resources to learn what dysphoria can feel like and how to recognize it.
  • Help the trans person focus on something external that is less likely to trigger dysphoria or encourage them to engage in their self-care activities. They won’t always remember to use self-care strategies at times when they need them the most so external reminders can help.
  • Find sources of support for yourself other than the dysphoric person – a therapist, friends that might understand, community groups and support such as PFLaG, or online resources.

Living with dysphoria is an ongoing struggle and is different for everyone. Talk to each other, be as open and honest as you can, and find the support you need.

What is your experience of dysphoria or supporting someone with dysphoria? What other tips do you have that I should add to the list?

Let me know in the comments below!

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Gender Presentation and Social Attention

Dressing for Yourself

Sometimes, you know exactly what you want to wear and you go ahead and wear it no matter what other people will think because it makes you feel good. Sometimes, you have to try on five different things before you find something that is comfortable. Sometimes, part of that struggle is the voice in your head warning you what other people will think or say or do if you wear what you want. Sometimes, the only place you get to wear what you want is in your own house. So you do. Sometimes, the need to keep ourselves safe is more important. But sometimes, you get to wear exactly what makes you feel your best and that is an amazing feeling.

Dressing Consistently

No matter how conservative or wild your style, keeping it consistent can help people that you see on a regular basis adjust to a new look or help people that are new in your life get a feel for who you are and what to expect. This is great if your gender is consistent and the clothes that make you feel good are similar day to day. Even if your gender fluctuates somewhat, you can keep your general style consistently somewhere in the middle of where your gender sits and play around with the style of more subtle things like jewelry, socks, undergarments, jackets, belts, shoes, and bags.

Dressing Differently Day to Day

What if your gender switches or fluctuates wildly day to day? In order to keep yourself comfortable and decrease dysphoria while increasing euphoria, you may end up dressing differently day to day. Strangers that you meet at the grocery store or on the bus won’t know the difference. People close to you who understand who you are will use your presentation as a signal of how to refer to you and interact with you in an affirming way. It’s the acquaintances that might be thrown off a bit. The coworkers, extended family, more distant friends, and others that you interact with on a repeating, semi-regular basis but who don’t know you well enough to know the whole story.

Dressing Differently After Transition

It can feel like a shock to those around you if your style changes dramatically after transition. Sometimes, this is what you want. You want to make it clear to people that the new name and pronouns are for real and make it obvious which one you expect them to use. Besides, you haven’t been able to wear what you really wanted to until now and suddenly you can! Sometimes, we can take this to the extreme initially after coming out and eventually back off and find our own, less extreme style.

Sometimes, you can sneak up to this change in style before coming out or slowly adjust your look after transition. A slower shift in style will bring less attention to you which can feel less threatening when you already feel like everyone is talking about you.

Dressing to Blend In

Sometimes we want to look like everyone else in a particular environment. Whether at work or at a baby shower, sometimes drawing less attention to ourselves by wearing something we feel slightly uncomfortable in is easier to deal with than the stares, whispers, comments, and self-consciousness. Sometimes, blending in is self-protective, either emotionally or physically.

Sometimes, being able to blend in as our true gender is all we’ve ever wanted. And that’s okay too. If the style that makes you comfortable is also one that blends in, that’s the best of both worlds. As long as it doesn’t feel like you have lost a part of your identity and visibility that you didn’t want to give up.

Dressing to Stand Out

Sometimes, we want the attention that dressing flamboyantly or differently will bring. We want people to see us for who we are. We want to showcase the parts of our identity that people tend to ignore to make themselves more comfortable. Sometimes, we don’t want people to feel comfortable. We want to shake things up, make a statement, be seen. This can be as simple as wearing nail polish and dangling earrings with your typical masculine business casual outfit to work or as dramatic as a sequined one-piece suit, brilliant makeup, a tutu, and four inch platform heels to the grocery store.

What types of attention have you gotten for dressing differently? How did your look change after transition? Do you usually dress for yourself or for a specific effect on others? Do you dress to blend in or stand out? Leave a comment or a picture of your favourite look below!

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Pregnancy Fears, Hopes, and Strategies

Being pregnant is a huge undertaking for your body. It makes permanent changes to lots of areas, includes lots of discomfort and unpleasant experiences, and involves a decent amount of risk. It changes how you are viewed by society and how strangers interact with you. And it is (or can be) the first step in one of the biggest changes anyone can make in life – becoming a parent.

So of course I have all the typical fears:

  • How will my body change?
  • Risk of miscarriage (Ha! That already happened once)
  • Huge life change
  • Adverse symptoms for nine months such as nausea, fatigue, and joint pain
  • Birth trauma
  • Postpartum depression and isolation

Pregnancy is also one of the most feminizing experiences a person can have. So, as a nonbinary person, I also have gender related fears:

  • Will my sense of where my gender is on the spectrum shift in unpredictable ways due to hormones?
  • Will my social dysphoria increase to unbearable levels due to the quintessential feminization of my body?
  • Will my physical dysphoria increase due to my chest getting bigger and my pregnant belly?
  • Will I struggle to find clothes that fit me that are not hyper-feminine like typical maternity clothes are?

But on the other side of my fears is what I hope for:

  • My gender identity will shift to the more feminine side of my range like it does during my period and result in minimal dysphoria with pregnancy changes
  • I will have fewer physical discomfort symptoms than I am expecting
  • Many of my current clothes will fit throughout pregnancy since I prefer looser clothes to begin with (though they will end up being more fitted as I get bigger)

Now that I have actually been pregnant once, for a short time, and only in the first trimester phase before the hyperfeminization of my body happened, some of these fears and hopes have shifted. I now know, or am more confident that my gender will shift to the female side for some or all of my pregnancy. Hopefully this will help with the social and physical dysphoria.

But this caused another area of discomfort: feeling like I was missing half of who I was. And after I had a miscarriage, my gender swung back to the male side with a resurgence of dysphoria that I was now unaccustomed to. You can read more about that in Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Gender. So I can now add ‘postpartum dysphoria’ to my list of fears.

Here are some strategies I’ve come up with to help me through this process:

  • Look for alternative maternity clothing stores or just buy larger sized clothing from cheaper places
  • Come out to as many people as I am comfortable with so that I have lots of options of people to hang out with in a gender affirming environment to combat social dysphoria and invisibility/inauthenticity
  • Focus on the personal, wondrous, internal feeling of growing a life inside me
  • Be kind to myself post partum while I’m learning how to deal with dysphoria again and review my personal journals and previous blog posts about how I deal with it

If you have a similar identity to mine, I hope that sharing my thoughts and experiences with pregnancy will help you feel more comfortable in your skin or at least not so alone during this experience. If you have someone in your life who is pregnant, maybe this will help you understand that not everyone who looks pregnant identifies as female and what that might feel like.

Do you have any stories of your own or strategies that got you through pregnancy with dysphoria?

Do you have any questions or specific aspects of this experience that you are looking forward to hearing more about?

Leave a comment below! I’d love to hear from you.