For many gender non-conforming and trans people, names are super important. Just like pronouns, names often have a specific gender attached to them. There are female names, male names, and gender neutral names.
Often one of the first things that a trans person will do, after coming out to themselves and before coming out to their broader community, is to pick a new name. This name is considered their chosen name. Their previous name is called their birth name. And once someone has socially transitioned and no longer uses their birth name, some trans people call their birth name their ‘dead name’.
So how does one go about finding a new name? I was lucky in that the masculine part of my identity came with a name that automatically felt right. However, this did lead to me having two names which I will discuss below. Jake, my husband, had a very different experience. He didn’t specifically dislike his birth name and if it had been an acceptable gender neutral or male name he probably would have kept it. He tried shortening it to a more masculine version but it didn’t feel right and ultimately chose the name Jake. I discuss more about his process below.
HAVING TWO NAMES
I have two parts to my gender identity, a female part and a male part, and I have a name that matches each. It has taken me a long time to figure out how I want to navigate the world and be identified and I am still figuring it out but here’s where I’m at so far:
- In my head and when referring to myself as a whole (to people I am out to or in online spaces like this blog) I use both names as though they are one name ie Meaghan Ray
- In my everyday life where I am not yet out as genderqueer or nonbinary, I use my birth name only
- In queer spaces when I am feeling more neutral or masculine I use Ray only
Having two names means that when I am in spaces where I am out to people I have to specify how I would like to be referred to each time. Some people are better than others at asking and then using the name I specify. I am slowly getting better at remembering to specify and correcting people when they get it wrong. It’s an ongoing process.
So far, I don’t feel the need to change my name legally. At some point I may change my middle name to Ray but for now I am comfortable with where I’m at.
FINDING A NEW NAME
When Jake was looking for a new name we used a few different strategies. I have also heard some others mentioned by other trans people. Here are a few ideas:
- Look up baby names from the years close to when you were born
- Ask your parents what you would have been called if you had been born as your current/true gender
- Make a list of names used in previous generations of your family
- Make a list of names that start with the same letter as your birth name or middle name (if you like it) or other first letters that you like the sound of
- Flip through a baby name book and make a list of names that feel right for you
- Shorten or alter your birth name to version that matches your gender
There is no one way to find a name. Some names are more common in the trans community so connect with the community online if you can and see what other people with your identity have chosen. Maybe you want a common name, maybe you don’t. It’s your name and it is completely your decision.
TESTING YOUR NEW NAME
Choosing a new name can feel daunting and huge. This is the name that will represent you for the rest of your life! So, give yourself a trial period before you start telling everyone. Here are some suggestions of how to test your new name:
- Use it as an alter ego online or as a character name in a video game
- Ask a few close supportive friends or family to test it out for you (we learned that this doesn’t work very well with only you and one other person because you never use first names unless there are three or more in the group)
- Try writing a journal entry about your day in the third person using that name
- Participate in a queer social group that you have never met before and put your new name on the name tag
- Pick one of the names on your shortlist and mentally use it as your name for a week, switching to a different name for the next week
Many of the above strategies will also work for testing out pronouns. Don’t be afraid to try out different names and change your mind. But be aware that it is often difficult for the people closest to you to adapt to a new name. So the more ways you can test it before telling the whole family or coming out at work the more confident you will feel that you are choosing the right name for you.
Remember that you also need time to get used to your new name. It will sound strange when someone refers to you by that name for a while. The longer you can give yourself to get used to it internally or with a small group before coming out publicly the more it will feel like your name when you hear people using it.
If you changed your name, what strategies did you use to pick a new name and test it out? If someone you know changed their name, how did you feel about the change? Leave me a comment below with your experiences!