Yesterday, I tried on a dress for the first time since high school prom. I’d been thinking about doing this for a while. I had a dress in my closet that my sister had given me that I really liked the look of but had never tried on (sorry sis). It is navy blue with a pleated knee length skirt that looks like a kilt, wide shoulder straps, and a high round neck. I was listening to a podcast about drag performers and how liberating it can be to wear clothes that allow you to feel the full spectrum of your gender. So, when I was feeling the most female I have in a couple months, I drummed up the courage and did it.
I had so much fear about what I would look like and how it would make me feel. I worried that it would make me super dysphoric and dissociate from my body. I had this irrational image of myself with long hair and a dress and makeup as if just simply putting on a dress would suddenly transform me into the most feminine version of myself.
I took steps to mitigate any dysphoria that might happen. I wore sweatpants while I was putting it on. I had my black leather bomber jacket to wear over top. I had a chainmaille necklace that is my most masculine piece of jewelry to put on. And I planned to do a workout afterwards to reconnect with my body if necessary.
I’m glad I took all those precautions but as it turned out, I didn’t really need them. I put on the dress in a room with no mirrors. I didn’t burst into flames or tears. I didn’t dissociate from my body. I took off the sweatpants and moved around a bit, feeling the skirt against my legs. That was the weirdest part – the bare legs. I rarely even wear shorts in the summer so that was a strange feeling for more than just gender reasons. I put on my chainmaille necklace, put on my leather jacket, and stepped out into the hall to look in a mirror.
The person I saw in the mirror still looked like me. I still had short hair and hairy legs and broad shoulders. I had a strange mix of relief, intrigue, and discomfort. I took a few pictures, then tried it without the jacket. Still ok. I played around with the look a bit, then took it off and returned it to the closet and put my sweatpants and hoodie back on.
These types of experiments are emotional labour. They take work. This type of thing comes easier to some people than others. At this point in my gender journey I am much more comfortable exploring in the masculine direction than the feminine one so this was a big step for me. To see myself in a dress and still feel authentic, non-binary, genderqueer, was very affirming. It tells me that I am much more secure in my identity than I was eight months ago.
This gives me hope for even more difficult things in the future, like being pregnant. If I still look like myself while wearing a dress, maybe I will still look and feel like myself when I’m pregnant.
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What experiments have you tried when exploring your gender? What types of self-care do you find useful when doing these experiments? What have you been thinking about trying but haven’t found the courage to do yet? Let me know in the comments!