Most of the people I talk to about my husband’s transition are open-minded and accepting but generally ignorant. They want to treat trans people respectfully but don’t know how. They want to learn more about my husband’s transition and my experience as his partner but don’t know how to ask the questions in a respectful way. So I thought I’d give you some suggestions or guidelines depending on your relationship with the trans person.
STRANGERS AND ACQUAINTANCES
Use the correct name and pronouns by which I mean use the name and pronouns that they ask you to use regardless of how they present at the time. If they don’t specify their pronouns you can ask or use the pronouns that is your best guess based on their presentation until they correct you. If they use other gendered terms to identify themselves then you should reflect their language back to them and use the corresponding pronouns unless they have specified otherwise.
You should not be asking anything about their transition including the name they were born with, whether they’ve had surgery (especially don’t ask if they’ve had ‘the’ surgery), whether their family is supportive, how old they were when they realized they were trans, or how long they’ve been on hormones.
Phrases to Avoid:
- Are you a guy or a girl?
- You look so good! I never would have known you were trans.
- I have so many questions!
Phrases to Use:
- My pronouns are ___. What pronouns do you use?
- …blah blah blah… [incorrect pronoun]… sorry…. [correct pronoun]…. blah blah….
FRIENDS, COWORKERS, AND EXTENDED FAMILY
If this is the level of your relationship, the trans person may have shared more about their transition process with you. This may include frustrations and struggles, medical components such as starting hormone therapy or having surgery, and legal components such as completing their official name change on various documents.
The most important thing you can do remains using the correct name and pronouns. Even better, correct the people around you if you hear them get it wrong. Not only will this help you and others adjust more quickly but it will also show the trans person they have your support and establish an expectation for everyone that it is not acceptable to misgender someone. Correcting people’s pronouns is exhausting for the trans person especially when they have to correct the same person repeatedly. To help you adjust, change their name in your phone/contact info and put their pronouns in brackets next to it. Each time you think of that person, repeat their name and pronouns in your head five times. Don’t worry about sounding awkward and hesitating if that’s what it takes to use the correct name and pronouns. If you make a mistake, apologize and move on. Don’t derail the conversation and make it all about the trans person and their pronouns every time someone makes a mistake.
It is a long process with lots of barriers and frustrations. Drawing attention to how long the process is taking makes it harder for the trans person to deal with. Transition is not a step by step process or a recipe that people follow and does not always have a specific end point. Everyone’s transition process is different. Not everyone will be transitioning to male or female (they may identify as non-binary). Not everyone will take hormones. Not everyone will have top surgery or bottom surgery but some people might. The length of time between parts of their transition vary wildly. It is not your place to ask about this unless the trans person offers the information first. If they confide in you, it is not acceptable to share that information with anyone else without their permission.
Do not compare your frustrations with changing your last name after getting married to the trans person’s experience with changing their first name and gender. Forms that have categories for getting married do not have options for first name and gender changes. People that process name change paperwork are familiar with the process of last name change with marriage status but not first name change with gender. Talking about your name change with marriage does not put you at risk for discrimination or having people question your identity the way it does for a trans person. This example applies to almost any aspect of transition including hormone replacement, surgery, or other types of coming out experiences.
Try not to treat the person any differently once they transition or once you learn about their status as a trans person. Do not try to educate the trans person on ‘how to be’ their new gender. Do not second guess the trans person’s identity, even if their presentation or interests are not stereotypical of their stated gender. They have second guessed their identity enough, long before you became aware that they were trans.
Phrases to Avoid:
- Why does your ID still have your old name?
- When are you getting the surgery?
- And your spouse/S.O. is ok with this?
- I can get your name right but I just need a little more time to get your pronouns, you understand right?
- You’re still not done yet? You’ve been working on this for a while!
- I knew you as [birth name] for so long, it’s going to take a while to adjust
- What bathroom are you using?
Phrases to Use:
- I want to learn more about your experience. Do you have any resources I could look at?
- Is there anything I can do to help support you?
- …blah blah blah… [incorrect pronoun]… sorry…. [correct pronoun]…. blah blah….
CLOSE FRIENDS AND IMMEDIATE FAMILY
Everything from the previous section applies to you as well, especially the part about name and pronouns. In addition, you may be one of the first people the trans person is coming out to. Your support is the most important factor in helping the trans person get through their transition. Literally. The suicide rate for trans people is extremely high. The number one factor that prevents suicide among trans people is family support. So learn as much as you can about the transition process and let them know they have your support, even if you are struggling to accept or understand their new identity. Let them know that they should tell you if you do something or say something wrong or upsetting. Make sure you spend time with them doing things that you both enjoy that have nothing to do with their transition. It is a good way to stay in contact and get used to changes as they happen but not make everything about being trans.
If there are aspects of their transition that you are struggling with, let them know and tell them you are working on it. Find other people to talk to about it. Unless they have given you permission to tell other people, this will likely be a therapist. If they know that you are struggling and need to talk to someone and you ask if you can tell a specific friend or one other family member, they may be open to it. Never tell someone that this person is trans without their permission. Once they start telling people, you may become a conduit for information for the rest of the family or group of friends. Talk to the trans person about how they want you to answer typical questions and how much information they are comfortable with you disclosing. This type of conversation will happen repeatedly as the group of people they have come out to grows.
Offer to go with them to medical appointments and other difficult tasks even if they seem trivial to you. It often takes a lot of courage to get those steps done and having backup definitely can help. If they ask you to, try to be willing to attend therapy or support group sessions with them.
Phrases to Avoid:
- You’re not going to get surgery though, are you?
- These changes are permanent! What if you change your mind?
- You really should tell [specific person]. They deserve to know.
- You don’t really need to get the surgery, since you’re married. If you were single it would be a different story.
- You can come over for dinner, as long as you don’t talk about your transition.
Phrases to Use:
- Would you like some company when you’re going to… (eg: HR, passport office, fingerprinting, registry for name change)?
- I support you and your decision to transition but it will take me some time to adjust. Is there anyone you would be comfortable with me talking to about this so I can work through my own feelings faster and not put them on you?
- Let me know when you are ready to start telling other people and I will help you with that in whatever way I can.
- What can I do to affirm your identity? You have told me what not to do, but are things I can do that feel positive for you?
MEDICAL AND HEALTH PROFESSIONALS
If a patient enters your practice seeking treatment from you and you are either aware of their trans status or become aware of their trans status during the interaction, the first thing to do is confirm that you are using the correct name and pronouns and then stick to those. Make sure your patient database on your computer system reflects the correct name and pronouns. If you are unable to change them in your system for legal/billing reasons until the person has completed their legal name and gender marker change, find a way to indicate in your system what name and pronouns the patient uses so that all the staff in your clinic identify the patient correctly.
As a health professional it is your job to know what aspects of the patient’s status as a trans person are relevant to your medical field and which are not. Learn how to ask questions about the relevant areas in a respectful, straightforward way that makes it clear why it is relevant.
You should not be asking any questions related to any aspect of their transition or experience as a trans person that is not relevant to your area of practice. If you want to learn more you can ask the patient for resources they would recommend, but, better than that, you can do your own research just like you are expected to do when a patient has a history of a medical condition you are not familiar with. It cannot always be up to the patient to educate the professionals. It is not only exhausting for the patient but unprofessional.
Keep in mind that trans people will have had many unpleasant, inappropriate, transphobic experiences with other health professionals before you. They are coming into this interaction with their walls up expecting a negative experience. It only takes one misstep to confirm their expectations that this interaction will be like all the rest. If you realize you have made a misstep, apologize for it taking full responsibility and move on. Stay focused on why they are there to see you and only what is relevant to that condition/concern/complaint.
Phrases to Avoid:
- Oh! You’re trans? That’s so interesting! I’d love to talk to you more about that.
- Have you had the surgery?
- When will your transition be complete?
- Anything irrelevant to your profession or the reason they are there.
Phrases to Use:
- I admit I have very little experience with trans patients so if I say something inappropriate please tell me right away or if you think there is something relevant that I haven’t asked about, please feel free to mention it if you feel comfortable doing so.
- I’ve been trying to find information on trans people’s experiences with this condition. Are there any resources you would recommend?
- I understand from your history that you are trans. Have we been using the correct name and pronouns for you? If yes, let us know anytime if that changes. If no, what name and pronouns would you prefer?
I hope this information helps you feel more confident that you will be able to treat trans people in a way that conveys your respect for them. Did you find any of this surprising? If there are areas you want to know more about, take a look at the Resources Page or search for other similar posts under the Partner tab.
If you are trans and reading this, what other suggestions do you have? What is your reaction when someone uses one of the phrases that I recommend people avoid?