Finding Support

Whether you’re the one trying to figure out your gender or you partner is questioning theirs, you need a support system. This can come in many forms. Below are a few of the types of support I have found useful.

I think of support as a two way street. Ways that you are participating, communicating with others, where they know who you are. I think of resources as something you look at where the person who put it out there doesn’t know who you are. This post is about support. If you’re looking for resources, also useful but less personal, see my resources page.

Friends

Especially early on in the process, finding one good friend who can be a sounding board is extremely helpful. Having someone to tell your fears and thoughts and confusion to eases the internal pressure and helps you feel less alone. They can provide support, be a resource, help you clarify your thoughts, and help you experiment with a different name or presentation. They can be a shopping buddy if you’re looking for a new wardrobe. If they are more familiar with the queer community in your local area than you are they can help you connect to other types of support.

Before my husband came out to the world as trans, he came out to a mutual friend so that I would have someone to talk to. This friend helped me clarify how I was feeling and test out how I would respond to the questions I would likely get from others. Since I’ve been exploring my own gender identity, my husband has been my sounding board. As someone who also experiences dysphoria he is invaluable for commiserating or suggesting management strategies.

queer community

The queer community is where you’ll find people who have a better understanding of the language, experiences, and fear you might have. Queer events give you a safe place to be who you are, express your identity, and use whatever labels, name, or pronouns you want. Just having a safe place to be can be a big relief. Leaving these places can feel like putting your mask back on or going back in the closet so it’s nice to know when the next event/meet up will be so you have something to look forward to.

I have found the queer community very helpful since I came out as gay. I have always needed to be around people who have similar experiences and understand what I’m going through. We were initially part of a queer sports league which was great for exercise as well as queer time. Community became even more important when my husband came out as trans but we found that we had to find different groups that had a more trans focus. I have also been part of a queer choir which again, is great for getting time around queer people as well as keeping music in my life. Often these activity-focused queer groups are the nicest because the support and camaraderie are there but you don’t have to tell your life story to everyone or talk about what’s currently going on. Sometimes, talking is too difficult and all you need is the support.

Online groups

These are great. There are facebook groups for everything imaginable. Some of them are closed and you need to ask to join. Some of them are hidden and you need an invite from someone in the group (which is easiest to get by meeting people in the queer community or participating in similar online groups that have overlapping members). These groups give you a place to post questions, rant about a bad experience, celebrate milestones that other people wouldn’t understand the significance of, or just read what other people have been saying.

I’ve been part of online groups for our local trans/NB community, partners of trans men, genderfluid people, etc. There are groups dedicated to top surgery, bottom surgery, and HRT. Both my husband and I have used these groups to ask questions of others that have already gone through what were going through and provide support to others that are just starting something that we’ve already done. Some groups we are in separately and some we are in together. On days that were harder, I would check the group I liked the best almost hourly to feel a connection with other people who understood. I wish I had found these groups earlier in his transition process but I still find them useful today.

PFLaG

PFLaG stands for Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. There are support groups all over North America. It may not seem politically correct or very inclusive but as it turns out, the support group in our area is mainly trans focused and very well run. This group is designed to take people from not accepting to accepting to celebrating their own or their loved one’s identities. The group includes people of all LGBT identities as well as friends and family. The discussion is different every time and includes whatever topics people want to discuss. We get the perspective of other people going through the process, friends who are trying to be good supporters, parents who are struggling to understand, siblings who are trying to build a new bond, and sometimes health professionals who want to be more inclusive.

This was one of the first sources of support we found. The group near us runs once a month. It was big enough that we could sit and listen without having to participate if we didn’t want to. No matter what was discussed we always got something out of it. It was like a release of pressure, an emotional breath of fresh air. During the harder months we would measure time based on how long it was until the next PFLaG meeting.

A few meetings in someone mentioned another PFLaG meeting near us at the opposite time in the month. For a couple of months we went to both. This second meeting was quite a bit smaller which pretty much required participation. At some point my husband couldn’t make one of the smaller meetings so I went by myself and ended up talking about a bunch of the stuff that I didn’t want to burden him with (mainly my anxiety about how he was really doing, fears about the possibility of him getting beaten up, my observations of the toll that coming out was taking on his mental health, etc). We decided that it was a good idea for me to have my own separate group to go to, especially since I was getting more out of the groups at this point than he was. So we would go to the bigger group together (whenever possible) and I could go to the smaller group by myself when I felt like I needed to. I continued going for about a year but eventually didn’t need as much support. We have continued going to the larger group for nearly 3 years and I have been helping to run a separate group every third month specifically for partners of trans people.

Lately, I have been finding the group helpful in providing support through my own gender discovery journey. Even once life is not specifically about our personal gender experiences we will likely still be attending just to have somewhere to be where the majority of people understand this aspect of our lives and so that we can provide support to others that are just starting the process.

therapists

Finding a trans-friendly therapist is very important. Some therapists present themselves as trans-knowledgeable, trans-positive, or trans-friendly but, as we have learned from friends in our various groups, some are operating from a very old and transphobic play-book. The best way to find a truly trans-positive therapist is to get a recommendation from someone in the community who is further along in the process than you are. When you are just starting out you don’t necessarily know what it means to be trans-positive. Only in discussing the things that your therapist has said to you with others in the community will you get the perspective that you need. Sometimes the therapist has already done serious damage to the person’s sense of self-worth.

A good rule of thumb in my book is that if you are coming away from therapy with more guilt, shame, fear, confusion, self-hatred, and dysphoria, this is not a good therapist for you to be seeing. Look online. Find support groups. Find friends that you can talk to. Ask around for recommendations. If you have a local queer community centre, ask them for recommendations. If the therapist they recommended was the one that made you feel worse, stop going anyway. There are other resources and other therapists out there that can help. Check out my resources page for some other options.

trans-friendly health professionals

These are rare in our experience. As a trans person you will need to receive care from family doctors, endocrinologists, psychiatrists, pharmacists, dentists, specialists (gynecologists, proctologists, fertility docs, speech therapists, physiotherapists), and surgeons. The more times you interact with a health professional that is not trans friendly the less likely you are to access health care the next time you need it. Finding trans-friendly and trans-knowledgeable health professionals is not only going to help you get through your transition but also take away a big source of stress. Finding trans-friendly professionals is easiest by asking your support groups.

Trans-friendly and trans-knowledgeable family doctors are especially rare and so much in demand that our community filled up the caseload of three family doctors in a row as they were suggested to the group. If you are a healthcare professional or you know of one that might be open to learning more about trans care and trans issues, give them/look up as many resources as you can. Spreading this information is one of the best things allies can do.

 

What are your support systems? How did you find trans-friendly therapists and other health professionals? Leave a comment below!