Let’s Talk Gender S2E1: Nonbinary Identities and Labels

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INTRO

Welcome to Season 2 of Let’s Talk Gender. I’m Meaghan Ray, a nonbinary person. My husband Jake is a trans man. We have been together since before either of us began exploring our gender identities. I co-hosted Season 1 with Jake where we discussed our experiences through the gender transition process. Season 2 will be radio host monologue style and is all about life as a nonbinary person.

To start off Season 2, I will be talking about nonbinary identities and labels. We talk about this in Season 1: Episode 1: Language and Labels but this time I’ll focus specifically on non-binary identities and labels. 

WHERE MY GENDER STORY BEGAN

I’m going to start off with my personal story so you know where I’m coming from and how I arrived at my current sense of my own identity.

When I was in Grade ten I had a few months of switching back and forth between feeling like I was Meaghan and feeling like a boy named Ray. I didn’t know how to put that into words at the time. All I knew was that some days when I woke up I was comfortable in my more feminine clothes and being called Meaghan and some days when I woke up and went to school I felt very uncomfortable in my feminine clothes and I had to wear my baggier clothes and I would randomly respond to the name Ray of this boy in my year who had a locker down the hall from me.

I couldn’t understand it, I couldn’t explain it, I didn’t talk to anyone about it, I just kind of lived through it. I would switch back and forth every few days, maybe have a week or a little bit more as Meaghan and then switch back to Ray for a few days. It got very uncomfortable.

This was around January to March of Grade 10. So around March break when our family went up to cottage I found a quiet space by myself with a notebook. I wrote out a list of personality traits that I felt like I embodied when I was Meaghan and a list of personality traits that I felt like I embodied when I was Ray. I drew lines between the ones that were the same which showed where they overlapped and decided that was who I was going to be from then on. In essence I found a way to make them work together.

YEARS LATER…

From then on I ignored it and lived my life as a slightly masculine presenting woman. At least until my husband Jake started transitioning. This exposed me to new labels and a community of trans people and nonbinary people, reminded me of that experience I had had back in Grade ten that I had completely forgotten about, and gave me space to think about my gender in a way that was positive and that it would be possible to live as my whole self and not just where the two parts overlapped.

Initially during his transition I was mostly in the support role so I didn’t feel like I had the energy or space to explore my self but a few years into his transition once everything had stabilized, I did have the energy and that space. Around the same time, with my husband presenting more masculine and being identified as a man in public by strangers, they would put me in the ‘female’ box and treat me more femininely than they had when we were identified as a lesbian couple. This got very uncomfortable and was one of the other reasons why I needed to explore my identity in terms of gender.

The first thing I did was track my gender on a scale and discovered I fluctuate from about 50% female to 25% male, around the middle. Six months into the self-discovery process I had more clearly defined what my triggers are for various types of dysphoria and developed strategies to manage it as best I could. I learned that social dysphoria is significantly harder to manage than physical dysphoria and for me, social dysphoria is actually the one I have more of. I had lots of fears most of which did not come true or were balanced out by benefits of knowing myself better and having better management strategies for dysphoria.

GENDER SPECTRUMS

During my self-discovery process I mostly thought of gender along a spectrum from male to female with neutral in the middle which, because of the nature of my own identity, works for me. But single line spectrums such as those shown on the original Genderbread Person graphic are problematic for a number of reasons.

The first one is that there is no zero option or absence of whatever is on the spectrum which alienates or doesn’t allow space for many nonbinary and other queer identities. Another reason that it is problematic is that it is still binary focused, this or that or somewhere in between but not something different. It also frames nonbinary experiences using binary terminology and concepts which limits our understanding of ourselves and our ability to explain our identities to others in ways that feel authentic and don’t just relate back to cis experiences.

So I’ve learned that the better option is breaking the spectrum apart to have zero at one end of the scale to gender (male, female, or third gender) at the other end of the scale and have each on their own scales as shown in the Gender Unicorn graphic. This allows for identities that are an absence of that thing such as agender, demi- identities such as demi-boy or demi-girl, and multi-identities such as bigender. It gives more variety, more nuance, it’s more descriptive, more inclusive, and ends up being more accurate to an individual’s experience.

Another way to conceptualize nonbinary identities is on a 2D x-y axis graph (as seen in this post). The X axis 0-6 female and the Y axis 0-6 male. Nonbinary genders can fall anywhere in this square. They can be stable (represented by a dot) or fluctuating (represented by a shaded or circled area). However, this does not allow for third genders and is still framed by the binary and therefore may not work for everyone. 

Some people think of gender as an amorphous cloud of possible identities which is great if that works for you but, especially when explaining my gender to cis people, I find a little more structure is needed. I also found that when exploring my own gender, a little more structure was helpful, at least until I got a handle on where I fell on the spectrum and then I could expand a little on that.

LABELS

I view labels in general as communication tools, ways of expressing who you are and what your experiences might be to others. This relies on a mutual understanding of the label being used and can often lead to confusion if you don’t take the knowledge level or experiences of the person you are talking to into account. 

I’ll explain what I mean by talking about the labels I use and why and how I use each one.

Genderqueer

This is the first label I used (before discovering the label nonbinary). It’s a positive term that states what I am rather than what I’m not. It’s vague and can encompass lots of different things. It has a lot of history and lots of people recognize it.

Nonbinary

I now use this more than genderqueer because it has become a lot more common, even in the cis world. I don’t like this term as much because it focuses on the binary and says I’m not that thing but doesn’t say what I am. My gender is both female and male which means I encompass the whole binary so saying I’m not binary feels a little awkward. But still works as a good catch-all.

Gender-neutral

This is more of a description term than a label. Still relates to the binary and is a good descriptor of how I feel, how I might express myself and how people might relate to me. Even if people haven’t heard the term before it’s pretty easy to understand.

Co-gender

This is the most accurate term for my gender identitiy, the most specific one, but also the one that the least number of people are familiar with so it’s the one I use the least. It means having two distinct gender identities that overlap or work together to balance each other out. This is exactly the description of my gender identity.

Other Nonbinary Labels

There are many many more than what I go over here so if none of these resonate with you or aren’t the one your nonbinary friend or loved one uses, definitely check out the Resources page for other lists.

  • Bi-gender: two distinct genders, often don’t overlap, often people switch back and forth spontaneously or depending on the situation they’re in.
  • Tri-gender: as with bi-gender but with three genders
  • Genderfluid: any gender that encompasses more than one spot on the spectrum, their gender shifts around on the spectrum a little bit or a lot and can shift slowly or suddenly.
  • Gender non-conforming: umbrella term that is easy to understand but again, states what you are not rather than what you are. Some people like the feel of rebelling inherent in this label and for them it works really well.
  • Gender expansive: gender identities that encompass a large range of gender at all times. May feel the most comfortable presenting with some aspects being hyper-masculine and some aspects being hyper-feminine at the same time.
  • Gender creative: often applied to kids who are not fitting what society expects of them based on their sex assigned at birth. Sounds very playful and works well for kids but if it works for you as an adult, feel free to use it!
  • Agender: a lack of gender, having no sense of gender, feeling neutral or null. There are lots of other terms that are similar so if this experience fits but the label agender doesn’t, look up some other similar labels.
  • Demi genders: genders that fall somewhere between agender and any of the other genders. For example demi-girl, demi-boy. I don’t personally like the use of girl and boy, it sounds very young, but if it works for you that’s great!
  • Third genders: many cultural groups have traditions that involved a third gender. I don’t have a lot of personal experience with these as I don’t belong to any of these groups but if you do and you have a connection to that culture this may be a good fit for you.
  • Nonbinary woman or nonbinary man: genders that are fairly close to one of the binary genders but still include a small component of something different.
  • Masculine/feminine-of-center: more related to presentation and experience than identity and used as a grouping term for people who would be ‘read’ in a similar way by strangers. Not necessarily a label in itself but can be a good descriptor to add to other labels.

Trans

The last label I want to talk about is Trans. Trans is an umbrella term that means that your gender identity does not match the gender you were assigned at birth. Nonbinary does fall under the trans umbrella and many nonbinary people consider themselves trans.

Personally, I am very careful about how I apply this term to myself. I find there is a general understanding of trans identities as based on a binary transition which can lead to confusion when using this label without medically or legally transitioning. I would appear as a woman to most people until I say no, I’m nonbinary. But if I start out with the label Trans, they might think I’m a trans woman, ie assigned male at birth and have transitioned, which is very different from my personal experience and could be confusing. However, when I am around people who understand the nuances of the trans community and this label, I have no problem including myself under that umbrella

Of course, personal experience with a label matters. Specifically for the label ‘trans’, most of my experience comes from my husband identifying as a trans man and our experiences with the binary transition process that he’s gone through. Since my experiences are quite different from his, I have a hard time feeling a personal connection with the label ‘trans’ other than through a community connection basis.

There’s a common experience throughout the trans community and especially in the nonbinary community of feeling ‘not trans enough’ to claim this label. This really sucks. I feels like you need to prove your transness or need to complete a certain milestone of transition, especially related to medical or legal changes. I mostly want to say that this experience sucks and is a very common experience and if you are having this struggle, I often share your struggle and you are not alone. You should feel free to claim whatever label feels right to you that is within your realm of cultural experience to claim. 

WRAP-UP

That’s it for Episode 1 of Season 2 of Let’s Talk Gender. Next week I will be talking about nonbinary gender exploration. Or in other words, how you figure out what the hell your gender is when all you know is that it’s not female or male.

RELATED POSTS AND LINKS

CREDITS

All music for this podcast is written and performed by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

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